It has officially caught up to me

I stepped on the scale today. I now weigh 181. Yep, I am back into the 180s. After getting to the 160s. I am sickened. What did I expect to happen? I went from eating totally clean with very little "cheating" to eating whatever I felt like. Which, especially living with a guy who can eat anything and not gain weight, is mostly unhealthy stuff.

Ice cream, chips, pizza, wine, tacos, cupcakes, frosting, wine, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta, wine. And I thought I wouldn't get up to 180? Or was I trying to get up here?

That's what is really eating me right now. Am I sabotaging myself? Why am I doing this to myself and not stopping? Like it wasn't going to catch up to me. Well it is officially caught up. I've gained over 10 lbs and my pants are fitting a little tighter. Shirts I used to feel comfortable in are now in the back of the closet. I'm so mad and disappointed in myself. @#$%^*&^%$#!!!

Always an addict?

When I was right in the thick of losing weight and being strict and really making things happen, I was so focused. If you had asked me, I would have said that I would never ever gain weight again. I was going to reach my goal weight and stay within 5 lbs of it. Forever. No doubts about it.

But now that I haven't made my goal weight and have instead gained back 10 of the 80 lbs I had lost, I don't have the same conviction. I'm not that sure anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight and be sure that I will never gain it back again because I know how miserable I was at that weight. I know how my life was back them and how much my weight affected my happiness and every single thing in my life. It wasn't fun and I don't want to go back.

But at what point would it just be easy? Is maintenance easy? Or will I always be this person who is basically susceptible to obesity. Like is it a disease or addiction that will follow me around all my life?

Right now, I've gained some weight and fallen out of the strict "go get it" mentality, and am majorly struggling to get it back. Do I have some gene in me that makes this an issue at least every so often? I want to wholeheartedly believe that I'll never go back to being 250 lbs. But why is there this little voice in my head that is scared I will?

If I changed my lifestyle for a good year or so, why can I not get it back as easily now? Will it ever get easy?

Making an effort

This week has been ok. Not great, but not bad. I have worked out most days and been making an effort to eat well. "Making an effort" doesn't really sound that awesome, right?

 Well, I have been making healthier meals, but the snacking and mindless eating is a problem. For some reason, it's really easy to just forget that I am trying to eat well now. Like all of a sudden, I find myself grabbing a couple Oreos when my boyfriend is eating them. And then I remember Oreos aren't exactly on the good foods list.

And then today after I worked out (which makes it worse), I ate chips and some avocado dip we had. Duuuumb.

What I eat in private is still the main issue. What am I, a closet eater now? I just tend to eat way more and more unhealthy when I am alone. My boyfriend can eat whatever he wants and not gain weight, but he doesn't really snack too much, especially during the day. If he were around, he'd probably suggest breakfast or lunch rather than just eating chips.

I need to get some healthier snacks or just keep it at the forefront of my mind more. I have to make this a priority. Do you guys have any tips for not making that quick, impulsive decision to eat something you know you shouldn't?

Side note.. I need to fix what is at the root of this. Re-reading Women, Food and God  might need to be in my near future.

I think my mind's in it again

Everyone knows how to lose weight. Yeah, there's a lot of gimmicky things to try, like miracle pills, random Dr. Oz recommendations, etc. But we all know that is we exercise and eating healthy foods.

Personally, I learned the basics of what foods are good for weight loss and what isn't from Weight Watchers. I found some things that I thought were healthy to be totally calorie-laden, like almonds. I would eat almonds like popcorn until I actually counted out the calories (or points) and now learned I can't trust myself to only eat 8, or whatever the serving size is.

I digress... my point is that losing weight is simple. It's math. If you burn more than you consume, you will lose weight.

The problem with this is that I think it's hugely a mental thing. I can tell myself all day that I need to lose weight and need to do this and that, but it all comes down to whether I will do it or not. If I am bored or in a bad mood, will I grab a bag of chips and go to town or get a candy bar at the store? Or will I keep in mind what I am doing and make the conscious decision to not do that? Will I do what I need to do or just say eh whatever and order pizza instead or cooking healthy?

My mind has so not been into it in the last few months, for whatever reason. But I think it is now. It has been for the last couple days anyway. I even worked out today and had a smoothie for breakfast. So here's hoping it sticks! I think I will have to prove myself for a couple weeks before I can be confident.

PS- Why did Blogger change? I don't like it.

Need to get me back... Again.

I started this blog when I was needing to get myself back to who I really was. After gaining so much weight, and going through other life stuff, I didn't know who I was. I had let myself go in more ways than just physically, and I made the decision that I needed to get ME back.

So I made this blog so I could use it as a little journal therapy and get support from other bloggers going through the same thing. And it worked. It kept me accountable. It made me sit down and think about what I was doing every day and write about it. And I made some cool blogger friends that were supportive and helpful and gave me new perspectives.

Somehow in the last 6 months, I kinda lost my footing again. I got caught up in working a lot, going out a lot and making yummy food with my boyfriend (who can eat anything and never gain weight), finding better things to do than working out, etc etc. Outcome? I have gained 10 lbs.

And I hadn't even reached my goal, so I am just backtracking and undoing my progress. So... I need to get me back again. Not only do I feel like I've lost myself in terms of gaining some weight back and falling into bad eating habits, but I am at square one with my job situation and wanting to do something different. I'm unemployed and feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. But instead of whining, I need to be proactive and do something about it. Not sure exactly what that means right now, but I will figure it out.

So here's to me getting myself back...

Goals-
I will lose 10 lbs this month... this means eating healthy and working out.
I will get up by 8:30 and work out.
I will volunteer somewhere this month.
I will focus more on freelance writing, which is what I've been doing to make money these days.
I will try to make friends here.
I will blog more and hopefully get my awesome support team back.

I'm repeating my mistakes

How is it that I SEE myself repeating my mistakes. I SEE what I am doing wrong when I am doing it - and even before I do it. And yet I still do it? Why?

The scale read 179 today. I'm going up. I'm not working out and I am eating poorly. Let me expand on that one... I am eating destructively. Not only am I eating bad once in a while and not eating my veggies, I am actively eating the worst things. Why is that??

I know it's emotional, but I almost can't help it. ... That sounds so weak. Lame.

Once I started losing weight and changed my whole lifestyle before, I realized that when I was unhappy, I ate to try to ignore it or push it aside. And when I was really low, I thought about food a lot. I would literally think about what I was going to eat next, or where I could go to get something to eat. And then I changed. I ate to live instead of the other way around. And I was proud of myself! But now here I am doing the same thing I did back then. I am noticing that I think about food more and want to eat the unhealthiest things. Especially when I'm alone, that's when I pick up the candy bar at the store or go thru the drive thru and don't tell anyone. It's gross. Bad. Destructive.

Am I sabotaging myself? And why now?

I've asked the question, why, a couple times now. But if I am being honest, I know what's up. I am unemployed and bored. I don't know what to do with myself most days. I live with my boyfriend, and for the most part, things are good with us. He works on cars out of the garage, but has lots of friends in town, so he leaves in the morning and randomly throughout the day to go see what's going on at their auto shops and stuff. And I have no where to go. I have very few friends here. I feel like I have no purpose. Every day, he asks me what I am going to do today, and I always say I don't know. I have nothing to do. I am getting unemployment and doing some freelance writing, but that doesn't take up much time. I'm not getting as much work as I wish I was. I have a background in marketing, but don't want to go back to a full-time office job. Maybe that just makes me lazy but it puts me in a horrible mood just thinking about it, so I'm trying to figure out something else. I'm lost.

BUT.... none of that gives me the right to undo the work I've done. I need to FINISH and get to my goal.

I hate myself

For some reason, the minute I tell myself I need to start eating healthy, I can think of nothing else but eating everything in sight. And it's always when I'm by myself too, which tells you just how sick it is. This morning, I ate handfuls of some chocolate cereal and then 2 pop tarts, and then had a healthy lunch with my boyfriend, and then when he left to get some work done, I sat around and ate chips, and then made cupcakes (for my boyfriend and roommate.. yeah, who's buying that one?). I must have ate at least 2 cupcakes in batter alone and then made frosting and ate enough of that too. And then randomly, I ate some deli meat.

What. The. Hell. What is wrong with me??

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. Today almost felt like binging which is scaring me. I will gain all my weight back so easily if I don't get my shit together. This is what happened last time. I just ate whatever random thing all day long to avoid whatever feeling I didn't want to feel. I LEARNED that. So why am I going right back to that bad habit?

Also my jeans are tight. I am in the RED ZONE.

I even worked out for an hour today! Why would I sabotage myself like this? It's like I am actively working against my goal right now. Which is horrible because before, when I didn't think about losing or gaining or anything, I just stayed the same weight. So why all of a sudden, when I make up my mind to lose weight, am I fighting against myself? Ugh, I feel so horrible.

I was my old healthy self yesterday

Yesterday was day 1. Well, more like day 1 again. And I was back to the old good me, ate well and worked out for an hour. And today when I stepped on the scale, I was down 2 lbs down. Maybe it was water, but I'll take it.

This morning I worked out on the elliptical again for an hour and had a healthy breakfast. Maybe not the healthiest - 2 eggs, a piece of toast, home fries. Maybe I should get back to my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't been buying a ton of fruit and veggies tho since they are so expensive.

I was reading thru old posts that I had written and it was good to see how strict I was before and how motivated I was. It lets me know I did it once, and can do it again. I've lost 75lbs, that's a lot. And now all I need to lose is 25 more. I just need to push thru and do it.

Week 1, Not so good

I somehow gained 3.3 lbs. Ok, let's be honest. I know exactly how it happened. Losing weight is not rocket science. Day one was good, day two was ok I think. But then I didn't work out for the rest of the week and I just ate whatever. Ice cream, Taco Bell, chips, more chips, mac n cheese, I could go on. Bad.

So today was day one again and so far so good. I had some yogurt for breakfast, chicken and zucchini and squash for lunch and a chicken salad just now when I was hungry.

I just have to stay focused and think about how I need to lose this weight. I am finding that I just stop thinking about it sometimes. Like I see a cookie, and I completely forget that I am supposed to be watching my weight and not having cookies. Selective amnesia. And then I have the cookie and think, oh well I'll be healthy tomorrow. That's the kind of "tomorrow" thinking that ends up with me gaining 3 lbs in a week.

I've gained about 10 lbs since October. I blamed my attitude of not really caring about it anymore on just being busy and having a new boyfriend, but I can't use that as an excuse. Especially since more than 5 lbs was gained just in the last couple months. And with me, weight gain is typically always about something else. I think I am just unsure of my life, I'm not working anymore, I don't know what to do with myself half the time, sometimes I wonder if I am where I'm supposed to be. But whatever, there are other ways to deal with all that.

I need to lose this weight. I cannot just keep letting it creep up. I don't want to ever go back to how I was before. I gotta do it. Thanks everyone for your support, by the way. I appreciate them all!

Ok, back to it.

Today is day one of being back on my eating healthy plan and this time I am for sure going to do it. I don't know what made me stray away from eating healthy and working out - well, I am going to blame it on a new (fun!) relationship, and a busy schedule. But no excuses. I am either going to lose the weight I set out to lose and still need to, or I am not. And I have decided that I am. I need to. I don't like the way I look or feel. And I do need to lose 20-30lbs now to stop being self-conscious.

So today was a good day. I had yogurt, fruit, deli turkey, pork chops, zucchini - good, healthy foods. And right now, I would love some wine or chips or something but I am chewing gum.

It's not easy, especially now that I live with my boyfriend and another guy, and we all like to eat snacks and have some drinks. Maybe the hardest thing is going to be cutting out the wine at night and then the late night snacking that comes along with it. Or when we go out for drinks and half-price appetizers... it's not going to be easy. But it doesn't have to be, right? I just have to do it.

There's that quote that says it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I have to remember that. And just do it.