Bad Blogger Award goes to... Me

I have been so bad about blogging lately. I just haven't made it a priority. But I miss it and do want to!

I am still focused on my weight loss (altho not as hardcore as of late). I weigh 166, which is a loss so I'm not that worried about it.

Also I think about food differently lately. I don't make it a highlight of my day or anything and I don't use it to numb out feelings like I used to. Maybe I go thru phases with that but maybe I've just moved on from doing it altogether. Let's hope it's the latter.

But I am sorry for being so MIA. I do owe you an explanation... I think the main thing (and most exciting!) is that I am dating someone new and it's going really well!! We've been dating maybe a month and hang out all the time. He's so sweet and fun and I think this is the real deal. So maybe that has made me shift my focus to him and just going out and having fun and missing some workouts. But I'll take it!

In other news, I got a new job that I start on Monday! It is a real big girl job that actually utilizes my degree! I'll be working regular office hours, and unfortunately commuting an hour to get there, but I am happy about it. That will also alter my routine and maybe help me eat healthier and at regular times.

WI and yes, I'm still alive....

I am still here. I am still weighing myself every day and staying somewhat on track.

I weight 168.7, which is less than last week, but not by much. Oh well, it's not bad for not working out and not really watching my eating too well. I haven't been too unhealthy, I just haven't been focusing on it as strictly as before.

I don't ever overeat tho, which is something I used to have a problem with. (Maybe still do, but not at the moment.. I used to say I was either actively losing weight or actively gaining it... which is a bad mentality I am not letting myself fall into.) I also make better choices than I previously would have, since it is pretty much habit at this point.

A lot has been going on. We've had family in town, and are going out of town this weekend for a funeral. Things have been better... I have also been working a lot and going out after work with friends for drinks and what not. Hence the absence from blogging...

After this weekend, I will be back and things will slow down and get back to normal, so I will start working out again and go back to strictly watching what I eat.

Hopefully I haven't lost my faithful followers with my being a little MIA recently! I'll get back to regular updating next week!

WI and other updates

This week I lost 0.9 lbs. Weight loss hasn't been the first thing on my mind, but neither has food, which is good. I eat when I feel hungry and eat healthy. I honestly just haven't been thinking about it. Maybe that's progress in itself. I have been drinking alcohol more lately tho, so those are some empty calories that I need to cut out. I also didn't work out once.

I have been busy with work, making new friends and going out with people from work (yay!), other job interviews and dealing with some personal stuff. Major ups and downs lately.


I can't believe I haven't blogged all week! I hope I haven't lost all my awesome readers. I have also noticed a lot of people are blogging less lately too. But I'm still here and still workin on losing weight.

Weigh In

Eh, this week I stayed the same. The scale went up and down throughout the week, but this morning, it was 170.2, which is the exact same as last week.

I didn't work out as much; only 4/7 days, and I just ate ok, some days better than others.

I'm happy I didn't gain, but next week needs some more effort on the weight loss front. I'm so close to being out of the 170's, I need to push past it!

Let's say next week- 2 lb loss.

Will it always be a struggle?

My parents went grocery shopping today and bought my sister and I each a pre-made lunch thing of potstickers. I love potstickers, but they are so high calorie and I can eat a bunch. It was a nice gesture because my sister and I have been working, so quick meals are always nice, but I also didn't want the calories.

So today for lunch, I opened the fridge and literally stood there staring at the potstickers, picking it up to see if it had nutrition info (it didn't), and scanning the fridge to see what else we had. Yes, we had my usual chicken and romaine lettuce, that I usually eat with different flavored mustards. But then we also had those potstickers...

It took forever for me to put those damn potstickers back in the fridge. But I did. And I got my stupid chicken and lettuce out. And it was a fine lunch that I do enjoy. Whatevs.

When does it get easier tho? When there are temptations around, it can be so hard to choose the healthier option. I just really wonder if I'll always have to have the food debate in my head, like the little good vs. evil angels on your shoulder.

Pulling out old winter coats (read: skinny clothes!)

It's getting a little cold these days! So naturally, I pulled out the jacket I wore last winter and found that it was way baggier than before. So I figured, why not go into my duffel bag of lost skinny clothes and see if my older coats fit me now.

And... they do! Even a size medium jacket that I haven't worn in so long fit great!

So now I have a whole new wardrobe of smaller coats and jackets and sweaters. I used to hate sweaters. In the winter when I was overweight, I never wore cute sweaters and jeans for a nice little outfit. I would just wear jeans and a sweatshirt, usually with a short sleeve shirt underneath which I didn't care how it looked because I would never take off the sweatshirt.

I have even gone through some of the clothes in my closet and given a whole new round of clothes that are too big to Goodwill. On a couple of different pieces, I thought twice about getting rid of them just in case I gain weight again.. but then reminded myself that it's not going to happen and I don't need fat clothes waiting for me in the closet.

I'm really seeing a difference these days, especially when trying on old clothes. It's not too shabby. I just gotta keep it up!

Weigh In

This week I lost 1.8! Yay! And I can see a difference in my clothes lately, which is awesome.

I am happy that it is a high number since last week was also high and I was worried I wouldn't lose much this week because of that. I have officially lost 79.8 lbs.

This week was a good one. I worked out 5/7 days and ate well most days. There were some days I ate things like chocolate but made up for it later in the day. It's really about  moderation. I don't officially say "no" to any one food, but I make sure to include it in my daily points and not go overboard. (That's THIS week, at least! Not every day of my life, mind you! I'm working on consistency!)

Like most of you know, my goal is to lose 100 lbs. I never really set a time limit on it. I started losing weight last September, so it's been 80 lbs in 1 year. But I do want to lose the last 20 this year, by December, so if I keep doing what I've been doing the last couple weeks and lose 1-2lbs a week, I can do it.

"Alright, who bought the jumbo bags of chocolate?!"

Oh man, living with my family can be SO hard sometimes! My dad and sister have the same kind of metabolism; meaning they can eat anything and everything and stay the same weight no matter what. Why I didn't get that gift is beyond me....

And then of course, the candy is already out in stores for Halloween so that's not helping anything.

Earlier today, I ate 3 fun size Kit Kats. I counted them (6 points) and moved on. For about 30 minutes. Then I had some more. (Now up to 10 points). Yeah, they were good but then obviously I was pissed at myself for eating 10 points of just chocolate before 2pm. I had had cereal for breakfast, which is a big splurge for me these days, so after lunch (salmon) and a couple other things thrown in there, I was maxed out on my points.

What the hell is wrong with me sometimes? It's that damn moment when I say "Oh, screw it" that just really effs me up. The following moment always involves feeling guilty, so you'd think I would learn...

But what did I do? I was full from lunch and everything, so I went to work and didn't think about it. And then when I came home, I ate spaghetti squash and canned tomatoes and basil and Parmesan cheese for 0 points. Well maybe the parm was a point, but the moral of the story is I stayed within my points for the day even tho they ran out at like 2pm!

A year from now...

"A year from now you will wish you had started today." 
-Karen Lamb

 
With where I'm at right now, I have about 20 lbs to lose to get to my goal. And then I will reevaluate and probably create another goal to lose some more weight or tone up or something. I'll figure that out when I get there.

Ok, so 20 lbs.. I can definitely lose that in 4-5 months, which would be by the end of the year.

By the end of the year, I will wish that I had stayed on track and met my goal.  I do not want to get 80% of the way there and quit.

By the end of the year, I will be so happy and proud of myself for reaching my 100 lb weight loss goal. Mark my words!

Work out on empty stomach?

My routine right now is to wake up, make and drink a smoothie and then work out. But I have been wondering if maybe I should start working out before I have my smoothie so I can exercise on an empty stomach.

I've heard that when you work out on an empty stomach, you burn stored fat that is already there basically, but if I work out after the smoothie, then I will first be burning off the smoothie.

I Googled it, and there's conflicting reports. This blog from the NY Times says that it makes no difference, but Dr. Oz says it does.

What do you guys think? Have you noticed any differences between doing one or the other?

WI: Back in the game!

It was a good week. I ate really healthy and worked out every day. I also started my job this week, so I have had less time to mindlessly snack all day. And since my job is in the evening, I can plan my own dinners and eat on my own schedule rather than having to do the whole family dinner thing every night.

Also since I work around dinner time, I have to plan my meals better, which typically is a smoothie for breakfast, a healthy lunch, like chicken on romaine lettuce with mustard, and then another healthy meal when I get home, like fish or chicken.

And this week it paid off. Today I weighed in at 172.0, which means I lost 3.7 lbs this week. Only 2 more lbs to go and I will have lost 80 lbs!

This next week, my goal is just to keep doing what I've been doing and get to the 160's, even if it is just 169.9.

NSV: Never had tan lines before

Sometimes I forget how far I've really come. I feel like a whole different person than I was a year ago. I've lost weight and that has translated into me changing a lot of other things (inside and out) that I didn't like about myself. In this case, it's actually getting a tan...

 I have fair skin and have always burned. A few years ago, I just gave up on even trying to get a tan. I just accepted that I'm pale and always will be. It didn't help that I was gaining weight and kind of stopped caring about how I looked all together.

And I definitely didn't want to lay out in a bathing suit. I was more the type of person where if I had to be in a bathing suit, I'd have a cover up on (or wear capris while everyone asked, "Aren't you hot?!") or be in the pool the entire time.

But now that I've lost weight, my opinions and beliefs about myself are changing. Why couldn't I try to get a tan?

So I got tanning lotion, which I'd never bought, and started going to the pool a couple times a week and laying out. And guess what? It worked and I got tan! You can see tan lines! I thought it was just impossible for me to get a tan, so I am pretty happy that I can turn my skin to a shade of normal!

It's the little things that make you stop and realize how much has really changed.

Diet motivation is a tricky thing

Some days I am so on board and gung ho about being strict with my eating and working out, and some days I just don't have it.

When I first started losing weight, I had such motivation and was seeing results, so my head was completely in the game. I never cheated and was just so strict. And well, it worked. Crazy, right?

But then after I lost about 70 lbs (out of the 100 I am working towards), I lost steam and had a couple things that derailed me. Life changes, stress and emotional stuff sure throws a wrench in the whole motivation equation. So that's what these last couple months were; hard and motivation-lacking. Last month, I worked out pretty much every day, but didn't eat right, so I hardly lost anything.

Right now I am feeling motivated. I am working out AND eating right (the most important thing). This past weekend was blah and I was eating more than usual and high caloric foods... just because I was feeling out of it.

I don't have all the answers, but I am going to make a huge effort to stay motivated from now on. And if one day, I'm not feeling it, then I think I need to just let that day happen and not feel too bad and get all guilty because that just leads to more bad days.

However, I do not plan on there being any horribly bad days in the near future because I am back on track and want it so bad!

Full time job to help weight loss...?

First of all, I got a job! Yay. It is a hostess position, so I'm not getting too excited, but at least I will be working. I start today. It's a full time position, so I'll have somewhere to be and something to do now, which is the great part. And hopefully I'll be able to meet some people around my age.

I am also thinking that with working full time, I won't be able to munch on food at random times during the day out of boredom or anything. This way, I can plan my meals and when I'm going to eat and therefore eat less calories.

Since the job is a hostess position, I'll be working at night, so I won't be home for dinner with the family, which is definitely going to help me. I won't have to eat what everyone else is eating, and I can eat when I want to. This will also help because I've realized that my family eats so late (like 8pm) and if I eat lunch around 12-1pm, I get hungry before that, and end up snacking around 6pm. And I keep thinking, hey wouldn't it be nice just to have dinner at 6pm and not add more calories just because I'm hungry? Eating dinner as a family is like a big deal with my family so if I were to just eat by myself, I think my mom would be insulted or think something was wrong. So now that I'm working during the dinner hours, I just avoid that whole situation.

Does work help you all keep to a better eating schedule or does it end up making you busier and then more likely to eat quick, junk foods?

Sabotaging myself?

Ugh. What the hell is wrong with me? Yesterday and today have been bad eating days. It was the typical "Whatever, I'll eat this, I don't care" and then the "Omg, I can't believe I ate all that" kind of guilt that came after.

It was my mom's birthday, so we had cake and went out to eat. That's no excuse. I could have eaten better and made better choices, but I just didn't. Yesterday, I just kept thinking, "Tomorrow I'll start over." And then today, guess what I've been saying to myself? "Tomorrow I'll start over." Ugh, so dumb. It's that typical diet mentality that I thought I had overcome.

How was I so strict before and now it's such a struggle?

I don't even know what to say. This post has taken forever to write because I really don't know what my problem is. I am so pissed at myself, so you would think that would push me to be strict. I WANT to keep going and get to my goal, so you would think I would just do it...

Weigh In

Man, things are just not going like they used to. I lost 0.4 lbs this week, which is frustrating because I did watch my eating, using very few Weekly points. I also worked out every day.

I did eat fair food... so maybe that put a kibosh on this week's weight loss. I hate how one day of stupidity can affect a whole week of doing good.

Plus I have been working out A LOT! Like lots of hours on the elliptical, that crazy hard workout DVD like 4 times, and swimming laps in the pool! And this is what it gets me? 0.4? So annoying.

Next time, I should do this...

Fair food... uh oh..

I went to a fair type thing yesterday. I had a good time, but I have to admit that the food got the better of me...

I had a gyro, which was so not worth the calories. I barely ate the pita but I'm sure the dressing stuff was atrociously caloric. (Lol... that'll be my new catch phrase- "that's atrociously caloric")

And french fries... I had been cravings those.

I also had ice cream...

And a deep fried Oreo.

I did my best to look up the calories  in a gyro (around 600) and the Oreo (surprisingly it said only around 100). It was a lot and not my best move, but I suppose it could have been worse.

But the good news is that my sister and I went to the pool afterwards and I did lots of laps and got my heart rate up, so hopefully I burned some it off.

Much more active

A year ago, if you had asked me what I liked to do for fun, I would have said something like, watch TV, watch movies, go out with friends, read, relax, etc.

But now if you were to ask me, I would still say those things, but I would also say I like to hike, take walks,
play tennis, play Wii especially the dance games, lay out by the pool, swim laps and work out. Lately I have been doing all these active things without even realizing just how much more it really is. Don't get me wrong, I still love my TV, but it is nice to be doing fun outdoorsy things now that end up being an added workout throughout the day.

Lately I make sure to do my regular workout, but then many times will add another workout or go play tennis or swim laps in the pool or play Wii with my sister.

Maybe it has something to do with the place I moved to, since there is absolutely nothing to do here but outdoorsy stuff... My parents live in this community that has the pools and tennis courts and all that... and I will make a confession right now... my sister and I did water aerobics yesterday. Yep, it was us with the old ladies just gettin a lil workout in! Funny stuff... might go back tho, why not!

August Recap - 2 lbs lost

Yay, the August recap is actually on time this month! I lost 2 lbs this month. I wish it were a better loss, but a loss is a loss, so I won't complain.

This month was a wishy washy kind of month in terms of losing weight.

I worked out 22/30 days, with a couple even being double workout days. I have been making a real effort to just be more active, whether this means hiking, taking the dogs for more walks, swimming laps in the pool or playing wii.

However, my eating has varied from good to bad. And I've heard that 80% of the weight loss battle is the eating part, hence my little weight loss this month.

In September, my goal is to stay completely on track and lose 7-8 lbs, which would mean getting out of the 170's. 

She believed she could, so she did

When you set your mind to something and believe you can do it, you can. It's as simple as that. I think having motivation, self-confidence and the belief that you can do something is the hardest part of the game.

Personally, it's when I get down about myself, my life, my progress, my last cookie, WHATEVER, that is when I stop believing I can do things. I wallow in self-doubt and start thinking about how I can't do this or that, or how hard it is or how much farther I have to go, etc. Basically any negative thought and emotion comes into my head.

But when I stop and remind myself that I CAN do it if I really want to, and really focus on it, and really put forth the effort it takes to get there, then I just do. It just happens.

This week has been very good so far  because of one thing- my attitude. I know what I need to do to lose weight and I know I can do it, so I am doing it. I have been working out well and eating well. Hopefully that will show up on the scales this week and it'll all be downhill from there- the good kind of downhill!

Annoyingly Typical Weigh In

I'm 177.0, which means I've gained 1.8 lbs since last week.

What happened?

The good: I worked out 6/7 days, with day even doing a double workout.

The bad: While I "tracked" what I ate, I always went over, thinking I was just using my Weekly Pts.

What I think is the main culprit: Emotional eating. I thought I had a better handle on this, but apparently I don't. It's been a little bit of an emotional week, I've felt down about certain things, and I definitely turned to food and knew I was doing it, but didn't even care...

Will I ever get past 175? I have been stuck between 175 and 179 for MONTHS. It is so frustrating. It is also all my fault, so I can't really complain unless I'm going to do something about it.

So there it is. Another week lost. I'm pretty much pissed at myself. I need to get serious about this. I need to stop the overeating. I can't believe how much I am struggling these days.

*Update: After I wrote this, I did a 30 minute DVD (Bob's Biggest Loser bootcamp) and an hour on the elliptical, and put in a lot of effort because I was pissed. For me, pissed = motivation. I burned 915 calories and weighed myself again, and it was 176.1. Is it cheating to count that weight instead since we're still on the same day? No? Ok, great. So I gained 0.9 lbs. Still in the wrong direction, but gunna lose it this week. Cuz I'm pissed...

What is it about seeing yourself in pictures?

I look in the mirror. I know what I look like. But why is it that when I see a picture of myself, I immediately see every flaw and get really down on myself?

People always say that they got the wake up call about their weight when they saw a picture of themselves. Why is that? Has this ever happened to you?

It's kind of like in that movie, Clueless, when Alicia Silverstone says she always takes Polaroids to see how she looks in a certain outfit because she doesn't trust mirrors...

This is a picture of me taken like a week ago when I was hiking. My puppy doesn't look too happy, she wants to get on with her walk. But this picture did help me to get back to being strict. Yes, I've come a long way, but I still have a ways to go.

I could go on and pick apart everything little thing I hate about my body, but for your sake, I won't. I just need to stay on plan and get down to a weight I can be comfortable at.

Damn cookies

My family went grocery shopping today and bought 2 boxes of cookies- like the really good homemade kind. One white chocolate macadamia nut and the other cranberry white chocolate... And those are my all time favorite.

When I walked in the kitchen and saw those, I was like, "Aww what are you doing to me?!" And my mom made some joke about how she didn't want them to buy them either because she is watching her weight too.

Then I jokingly said, "Well guess I'm not losing any weight this week..." And then I realized how horrible that sounded! Like hello... I am not powerless over the damn cookies. I have a choice of whether I want to eat them or not.

So I did have one today but that is it. No more cookies for me. (But hopefully they eat those damn things quick and get them out of here! lol)

*Yes, I know everyone else who is not dieting should be able to buy and eat whatever they want... I am mostly joking here. But it sure does make it harder!

Double workouts

I did two workouts today. I did the usual 60 mins on the elliptical, and then later in the afternoon, I took the dogs on a walk and ended up getting hot and sweaty since it is so hilly around here, so I thought, hey why not do another workout on the elliptical. I would have just watched TV or gone on the computer, so better to get on the elliptical and do that while watching TV. 

Since I don't have a job right now, I figure I should do something good with this time and be productive.

My friend Erin (at Erin's 6 Month Transformation) was talking about doing double workouts too and said that maybe working out twice a day would keep metabolism up even more since after you exercise it takes a while for it to go back down. And if that happens, all the better!

So I looked it up and that is exactly true. Working out twice a day will obviously allow you to burn twice the calories, but give you that increased metabolism rate for the few hours right after the workout - twice!

Basically doing anything to get your heart rate up more times during the day is a good thing. Kind of obvious, but it's good to know and a good motivator to keep up with the double workouts.

Weigh In

This week I worked out 5/7 days and counted points, but definitely dipped into my weekly points which I usually don't do. I probably used all of them. I also went to the beach for the weekend and ate at restaurants and had some drinks.

So, as expected, my weigh in wasn't awesome, but it's ok. I lost 0.5.

Not much else to report. Ever have one of those days where you wake up and go to make a smoothie but don't have any yogurt, so you try to make it without yogurt and no matter what you do, it ends up tasting horrible? Yeah... totally. 

Here's to a better weigh in next week. I hope you all are doing well! Gotta keep on keepin' on!

Munchies all day long

I had one of those days where I just wanted to eat all day long.

I am still counting points, so I wasn't going over; technically I was just using my weekly points. I never used to use those, but hey, they're there for a reason, right? I won't use all of them every week...

I know it's me being stressed or feeling down or being in a funk. Whatever you want to call it. I need to reread the Geneen Roth books on emotional eating.

I feel like I can't get a job to save my life these days. I either don't have enough experience for the jobs I want, I'm overqualified for the jobs I would settle on, and don't have recent enough customer service experience to get the retail/ food service jobs. What the hell?!?

I mostly feel helpless, which is the worst feeling because I don't know what to do to change things. My last post was all about how you choose what your life is like, which I definitely believe, but what about when you are trying and nothing is coming together?

I am doing good with working out and staying on track with the eating. But I'm struggling with everything else. I know I need to be more positive, but lately it's hard.

Who do you choose to be today?

There's a new website I love that is called Nerd Fitness. It has some great articles and is really inspirational!

One of the latest ones talks about how we all need to learn from our mistakes, move on from them and become who we want to be right now. Because it's all up to us. I love that. Here's a great quote from the writer, Steve Kamb: 

"Who cares who you were last year?  Who cares what you did last month?  Hell, who cares how you acted yesterday?  It has absolutely nothing to do with who you CHOOSE to be today.  That choice is 100% yours."

Isn't that great? We all have complete control over the person we want to be from now on. We can't change or do anything about the past. All we can do is focus on right now. Today. What are you going to do today to make yourself better than yesterday?

I can't change the fact that I wasted at least a month and decided to gain weight instead of losing, but I can change what happens this month and next month and so on! So who cares about last month. It has nothing to do with today. Or tomorrow. I choose what happens in my life, so I choose to stay on track and keep working towards my goals!

Sunday Weigh In

I am back to weighing in on Sundays now. I thought weighing in on Fridays would be good for my "mental health" but since I have been lacking motivation, I realized that now is not the time. Maybe once I get back into the swing of things and get back to making good choices consistently, I will change it to Fridays. But right now, it just makes me feel like I can cheat a little on Friday, and then hey, it's the weekend so I can cheat a little more, and then it's Monday and I've basically taken 3 days off. I just don't have the discipline for it right now.

But ANYWAY! On to the WI! Today I weigh 175.7, which means I lost 2.9 lbs this week! We can officially call this the bounce back week.

I am back to counting points, staying within my daily WW points and working out. And I will be keeping it up because it works! Gunna keep chugging along until I get to my goal!

It's funny how much motivation and drive you can get back after just one week of seeing results. To anyone who is struggling, I challenge you to take ONE week and eat right, work out and don't cheat. You will lose weight and your outlook will change because you will have proven to yourself that you CAN do it and that will make you want to keep doing it!

July Recap - 1.1 lbs gained

Wow... what a month July was. Again, this recap is a little late, but I still wanted to write it! (I just wrote the June recap too, directly preceding.) July is the first month that I actually gained weight instead of losing since I started. And it does not feel good!

This month, I moved to a new state and my routine went out the window. I didn't work out much at all- first because of the move and because I didn't have my elliptical set up, and then because I got lazy and just didn't. Only 8 days out of 31; not so good.

My eating was also not very good. I ate out at restaurants a lot and didn't make good food choices. I also drank way more than usual. Newsflash... consistent bad food choices add up to a month where I gain instead of loss! Shocker!

I am disappointed in how this month turned out, mainly because I didn't make a decision to just take a month break or anything. I thought about what I should have been doing and felt guilty when I didn't do it. Most days I have been waking up thinking that I need to get back to my healthy eating and then I just end up eating whatever without thinking about the calories or anything. (Emotional eating again! Ugh!)

Also my blogging for this month did have a bit of what I was going through, the lack of motivation and all that, but also had some fluffy blogs which I think were because I specifically didn't want to talk about how I was doing. This is a good thing to take note of, maybe it'll keep me (and you) aware!

My goal for August (even tho we are well into it) is to get back on track. I used to be so gung ho, giving myself 10 lb goals every month. Where'd that chick go? I need to reevaluate my goals and why I'm doing this and GET. TO. IT. There's no time like the present. Let's say my goal for August is to lose 8 lbs, putting me at about 172. Can I do it?  We'll see!

June Recap - 4 lbs lost

On my Weekly Weigh In page, I have been including a link to my monthly recap posts, so since I don't want to have a missing month, I wanted to write a June recap even if it is now August...

Just the fact that it is August tells you that June was a busy whirlwind kind of month. It also wasn't that great of a month as far as weight loss goes, since I only lost 4 lbs.

I still worked out a lot, 21 days out of 30, which was every day that I possibly could and didn't have anything planned. 

 But it was my eating that made it just an ok weight loss month. I was busy and had a few social things going on, so I wasn't always making the right choices. I was also a little stressed with the move coming up that I probably drank and snacked more than usual. I'm still trying to get a grip on my emotional eating. Sometimes I have it under control, other times, it just sneaks back up on me.

So all in all, it wasn't a bad month, but it wasn't a great one as far as the weight loss goes. 4 lbs is respectable tho, so that's it for June!

Another dating update

So I have been dating someone for over a month and it's going pretty well. We have gone out quite a bit actually, maybe 10 times. We have gone out to dinners, gone hiking, done some sightseeing to pretty scenic areas like local waterfalls and mountains, cooked dinner and grilled outside, played the Guitar Hero video game, fun stuff. We're not soul mates but we get along.

We are also attracted to each other which is obviously a good thing! He is cute so it definitely helps my self-esteem a little. And being smaller does make me feel more confident in certain areas if you know what I mean! I don't feel totally hot and attractive, especially when the clothes come off, but I don't feel fat and ugly like I used to.

This might be too much information, but sex was so horrible before I lost weight. Most of the time, I would just be so self-conscious that I couldn't enjoy anything. So it is this awesome new feeling to feel attractive now. I know it's not all pretty and I'm still overweight, but it's much better now. And it doesn't hold me back now, which I think is the biggest thing.

Anyway, I don't think I see this relationship being long-term. He's a few years older than me and has been married before. He got married really young and I think the divorce kind of turned him off from commitment. He told me that he hasn't mentioned me to his family because he never tells them about girls he is dating because then they start wanting details and talking about marriage to him. Also he seems to not want me to get too attached or have that "what are we?" talk. And for now, I am ok with that. I am still getting settled in here and am not that into having a boyfriend (altho I would be for the right guy). But we go out and do fun things, so it's ok for now.

If I were serious about finding a boyfriend, I wouldn't keep someone I knew didn't have long-term potential. But maybe right now I like having at least one person I know in this town other than my family...

What's your opinion? Any similar experiences? I love me some dating talk!

Hello, size 10!

I tried on a pair of size 10 jeans today and they fit!! I don't know what possessed me to try them on because I'm not really out of a size 12 yet, but they were just an old pair that I had sitting there, so I decided to try them on to see how far away I was. And to my surprise, they totally fit!

(This is definitely not my body...)

I also have another pair of brown cargo capris that are a 12 and are so lose I can take them off without unzippping them.

I can't officially say I'm a size 10 (which is going to be freakin awesome when I am!!!), but I am happy to say I am well on my way!

That was just what I needed to keep me in the motivated zone. Every little bit of progress made makes me want to keep pushing on and doing my best.

Have you guys seen this V8 commercial where the girl is trying on her wedding dress and it zips right up, and she's like, "That's what I'm talkin' about!" That is totally how I am when I try on smaller clothes and they fit....

So far, so good!

It's been about 4 days since I have been tracking WW points and writing down everything I eat and staying within my daily points AND working out on the elliptical and I am down about 3 lbs!

Isn't that insane?

My body always responds like that after I've been eating poorly and not working out for awhile. It's like I'm starting the whole weight loss journey all over again, since that is when you get the highest numbers.

It just goes to show that when you really do it, it really works! When you only kind of do it, it only kind of works. (I think that may be a Weight Watchers quote actually...)

And let me tell you, just seeing how quickly the pounds come off when I am being diligent and focusing on my weight loss goal is so extremely motivating! I actually get excited to step on the scale in the morning because I KNOW I've been "consistent" (see Ann's really inspiring post about being consistent!) and I KNOW it is going to be less than yesterday or at the very least, the same.

Losing motivation sucks and it's hard to get back on track, but like Nike says: Just do it!

Where are you guys at motivation-wise?

Back to basics

It's hard to be "on" all the time. I haven't been on point these last two months. But I am at the point where I HAVE to get back on board. I'm fed up with myself basically.

To get back on track, I am going back to doing it the best way I know how- counting Weight Watchers points, writing down everything I eat and working out on the elliptical 5-7 days a week.

That is what I did at the beginning, and then I moved to just eating well without counting it all out since WW had taught me the basics of that and it had just started to come naturally. And that lasted awhile, but then when my routine got changed up and motivation waned, I didn't do so well without the structure of counting out points. Solution: Get back to the basics.

This includes...

• Having a smoothie in the morning.
• Have a healthy lunch with some kind of protein, like chicken or turkey, and a veggie
• If I have a snack, like pretzels of veggie sticks (which I could eat the whole bag), I will count out the serving, write it down and count it
• Have a healthy dinner with some kind of protein and a vegetable
• Eat pudding or healthier WW fudge bars if I want a treat
• Measure serving sizes if needed, count out things, write it all down!
• Do not go over my daily points allowance
• Drink lots of water
• Work out on the elliptical every day that I can
• Add other random workouts, like playing Wii or tennis or hiking or talking walks

That's the plan! My next WI will be this Sunday (no more Friday WIs because I'm a big cheater) and it will be a good one, I PROMISE!

You are helping my motivation!

This blog has been such a great influence in helping me lose weight so far because of all of you!

I love getting comments with well wishes or helpful advice or hearing about your experiences. And I love reading your blogs and hearing about what you are doing and how it's going and all that.

Lately I have been lacking motivation. I just don't feel like eating well. I am stressed and tend to mindless eat. My routine got shaken up a bit with the move, and I haven't gotten back into the way I was being (read: healthy and diligent).

But reading your blogs these days is helping me! Some of you have been in a rut too and feeling the same lack of motivation, but some of you are going full steam ahead or just pulling yourself out of the slump. And that makes me so happy to hear and motivates me to get my butt in gear!

I think being motivated is a choice, just like being happy is. It's not something that a fairy comes down and waves a wand over your head and gives you. It's something you have to create yourself.

And the biggest thing with reading your blogs is how happy those of you are who are pushing yourself and are in the game. I used to be like that, so I know how great it feels and I want that back!

So thank you all just for being there!

Back to Sunday WIs

Apparently making my weigh ins on Friday messed with my head, and since I am already struggling to get back to a good routine and eating healthy, it only made it worse. I chose to weigh in on Friday and then not worry about anything for the whole weekend and then once I got back to Monday and the weekdays, I didn't improve then either.

I thought it would be nice to change the Sunday weigh ins because then I could enjoy the weekend and eat or drink what I wanted without being overly strict. Maybe if I was more on the ball, I could do that, but not right now.

So it is back to Sunday WIs. And I'm hoping to get back to my routine of eating well and working out. At least the eating well part. That makes the hugest difference. I start writing down everything I am eating today. That helps to keep me accountable.

Anyway, today I weighed in at 178.6, a 0.5 gain. That scale just keeps on moving up. My Weigh In page shows just how bad these last 2 months have been.

Why is this happening? Well, I do know why... the hard part is caring enough to turn it around.

But I did write about it a couple days ago, on my post titled It's never about the food, so check it out if you haven't already. 

It's never about the food

My good blogger friend, Gen, who has an awesome blog called The Geneen Roth Experiment, challenged me to really think about why I am lacking motivation. And I'm glad she did because I believe there's always a reason behind things like that.

A lot of times, you don't see the reason. Sometimes you might even look for the reason and you can't find it. You argue that there really is no other reason than feeling lazy or loving junk food. Those things might be true, but not to the extent to which is starts to really affect you.

So in order to put a halt to the rut I'm in, I need to be fully aware of what has pushed me into it to begin with. So on to my "why."

I'm stressed. I just moved to a new town. That is insanely small. Like, I was not prepared for it kind of small. It has a population of 3,000 and a median age of 58. The nearest Target is 30 minutes away. The nearest mall is an hour away. Great for retired people like my parents, not so much for a 26 year old like myself. My plan is to move to a larger city nearby.

Which leads me to my next point of stress; I'm living with my parents. I have been for the last year since I broke up with my very long term boyfriend. I don't feel like I am living the kind of life a 26 year old should be living. Yeah, that's subjective, but I used to live with my boyfriend in a house, close to being engaged. Now I am living at home with my parents, with no job, no boyfriend, no real plan.

My main priority right now is finding a job. It's hard because I graduated 3 years ago and have little to show for it. I have a couple short term, temporary jobs on my resume, but other than that, I'm not exactly a catch to the hiring committee. I have been applying for jobs and had a few interviews since I've moved here, but so far no job. And having nothing to do and no real purpose is starting to weigh on me since it's been so long.

The fun thing lately has been the guy I'm dating. He is cool to hang out with and we go to different places and have fun, but I think he is very commitment-phobic because of a failed marriage. I can't say I like him enough where I would want to officially be his girlfriend, but with the way he talks about other girls he's dated and not wanting to move fast makes me think it's like something he is trying to avoid. Like the guy desperately trying to keep his freedom. Dating someone who is fun and casual is nice and I like having at least one friend here, but ultimately I want someone I can really be with. So I have been thinking I'll keep dating him but I don't see it being an official relationship. That does make me miss having a loving relationship and wishing I could meet someone who is right for me. So maybe that is also adding to it.

At the root of it all, I feel lost. Starting over from scratch is hard. I feel like other than my family, I have nothing right now. It's overwhelming trying to put it all together.

So maybe that was too much info, but that is pretty much what is going on with me these days. I know I need to be more in touch with what I am feeling when I want to eat a bunch of chips or crackers or have plain white toast with lots of peanut butter on it for breakfast...

Final note: It's never about the food. It's always about something else going on that is pushing you to eat or drink as a way to make yourself feel better. So I think figuring out the reason and focusing on the feelings behind it is an important part in getting past it.

The economics of gaining & losing weight

I've been buying new clothes lately because I have been going on job interviews and dating a new guy where we go out and do things a lot. And I just need new clothes that fit me at the size I am right now. (Granted I did keep my "skinny" clothes so thankfully I do have some as the scale moves down.)

I like buying clothes now because I can actually fit into them easily and not hate the way I look, which is a new thing for me! However, it is also a little draining financially to buy new clothes and then lose weight and have them be too big and have to buy all new ones.

I have 2 pair of black pants and refuse to buy any more "business" type pants because hopefully I will continue to lose weight and outgrow them. Same with jeans. Shirts are a little different because it takes longer for a top to be completely too big.

But it leads me to think... what about those people that always stay one size? Or even vary just a size or two? Do they just have one big wardrobe of clothes that they can continue to wear until they just get sick of something or it "goes out of style"? (Like my sister who has and probably always will be a size 4... lucky bitch)

But aren't those people more normal than me, for example, who has bought and donated so many clothes in the last couple years due to my weight gain and loss? I know I'm not alone in this, but I definitely think those people who don't go up and down 10+ sizes in a few years are the normal ones, and the ones I want to strive to be like.

My hope for the future is to find a happy weight and just stay there! I would love to be able to buy clothes when I feel like it or just want something new or something catches my eye rather than having to buy something out of necessity for that specific occasion and that specific weight I am at.

It's the climb

In the last 2 days, I have heard the song, "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus on the radio three times! And I haven't heard it in months. Maybe just a coincidence, maybe a sign. Whatever it is, it is a great reminder for the kind of mentality that I need to have. 

The song is about how reaching goals is not going to be easy, yet it is the journey that is the important part. And when it's not easy and you push through it, that is when you grow and learn and come out a stronger person. So here is to me pushing through it.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Weigh In

Another bad weigh in... I'm 178.1, which means I gained 1.3 lbs again this week. Super! That would make it 2.6 in 2 weeks. Bad, bad, bad.

There's no fluke with this gain. I haven't been working out and I haven't been caring about what I have been eating. I am severely lacking motivation...

Didn't I say that last week that I was going to get back on track this week? What happened there?

I need to get my ass in gear. What's the hold up? In a month, am I going to be happy if I am still the same weight? Do I like seeing the scale go up? Do I like telling all of you that I'm gaining each week?

The answer to all these questions is noooo. No.

Bathing suit pictures... eck!

I asked you guys for some advice about finding a bathing suit when I wrote a post about what I should get. So thanks for the help.

I decided against that monokini which looked good on the model and probably wouldn't have on me... and ended up getting 2 tankinis.

This is me weighing about 178. I look way better than I did before, but definitely have a ways to go.

 

 

Maybe just looking at these pictures will push me out of my motivation-lacking slump these days. Yep, I think so.

Stupid splotchy sunburn :(

The good news: I got a couple bathing suits and am comfortable enough to go to the community pool and try to get some sun.

The bad news: I missed a few random areas when putting on sunscreen and now have random red splotches on my body, such as on the small of my back, on my upper inner thighs and one spot on my lower stomach (so I have a nice little outline around my bathing suit bottoms) and then on my butt cheeks where the suit ended.

The worse news: Someone other than myself might be seeing these areas and now I look ridiculous.

The teaser news: I will take some pictures of myself in the bathing suits (both tankinis) and post them tomorrow.

A hiking we will go!

Apparently hiking is a big thing around here! There are mountains and trails everywhere, and lots of pretty things to see, like waterfalls, lakes and nice scenic views.


First of all, let me just say the last time I went hiking was when I was 16 and on a family vacation in Arizona and I hated it. I was pouty and not into it at all. I think my words were, "Wait. We're going to climb up this mountain just to turn around and come back down?!" And I was fit as a fiddle back then.

But now that I am in this new place with all this beautiful scenery, I think I will get into hiking! The thing that is great about it is that it does not feel like a work out. It feels like you are just exploring and walking around checking out the area. Usually it's not too strenuous and you aren't huffing and puffing, but you are getting exercise.

So far I've gone twice and it was a good leg workout. Again, it doesn't feel like it, but the day after, different parts of my legs are sore- parts that usually don't get worked, which is nice!

A workout that doesn't feel like one is ok in my book. Next time I will take a camera and maybe show off some of the pretty area! Also maybe next time I will bring my heart rate monitor to really see how many calories I am burning!

Bad weekend food-wise

It hasn't been a good weekend food-wise. Maybe this whole weighing in on Friday thing isn't a good idea. I don't know if that is the reason for why I've been eating too much and too unhealthy, but I have been. I ate bad and snacked a lot this weekend. And the sad part of that is that I pretty much didn't do anything that would influence me to do that, like socializing or going out to dinner- nope, it was all me! Just making bad decisions and overeating. Last night I had vanilla ice cream and melted peanut butter to drizzle on top of it... yeah, I said it.

What am I doing? Why am I not caring about what I'm eating? Am I really just lacking motivation and the desire to do it?

Maybe it's emotional. I am very stressed these days. I am in a new town, and other than my family, I only know one person. I don't have a job and am desperately trying to find one. I need my own place and a new car. I also need a LIFE! And friends. Starting over is hard...

Am I sabotaging myself? I have sabotaged myself in the past, and I haven't really talked about it here, because I haven't found myself doing it, and I really hope that's not what I'm doing now, but it's in my mind. At least the awareness of it might prevent it from happening.

My whole goal here is to lose 100 lbs. I've lost 75 (give or take these days...) and only have 25 to go. 25 lbs is not that much to lose! I could do that in 3 months if I really tried. So why am I slowing down?

I have always had the notion that when you have less to lose, it takes longer to lose it and you have to work harder. Right now, if I put in the work, I still lose at a pretty good rate. But the whole problem lately has been that I have not been putting forth the effort. I take complete responsibility... now I just gotta change it and get my act together.

Friday Weigh Day

Friday is my new WI day... and I wish I had better news to report, but I gained 1.3 lbs. I weigh 176.8.

Hey, the scale doesn't lie! So it is what it is, but next week will be better.

This week, I worked out 4 days on the elliptical and did some weight lifting. However, I have been lacking motivation and discipline with the food part of it all. I haven't been counting or really caring to be honest. I have not been going overboard or eating super bad things at all, but I just haven't been making the best choices that I know I need to make in order to lose weight. Such as drinking wine, snacking on too many Wheat Thins, making grill cheese sandwiches with full carb bread, etc.

Next week I will go back to writing everything down and counting out points because that is what keeps me honest and mindful of exactly what I am consuming and it's what works for me. And I'll keep working out of course. I also haven't been drinking much water at all, so I'll be doing that too.

Where's my gung ho?

When I first got going on this weight loss journey, I was all in. I was so "gung ho", meaning I was strict with myself and had so much motivation. Nothing got in my way. And then I took a little one month break or so over the holidays (but didn't gain), and then again got back on board with being very strict, and that lasted a good long time!

I'd say that lasted 6 months. Then life got a little busy and I moved, so my routine got rocked a little bit. And now I am more settled, and able to eat well and work out again, but the motivation is waning.

Now I am still motivated, but just not as much. I have been working out on the elliptical. And I have been trying to eat well. Key word is "trying." Before I wasn't "trying" to eat well; I just was eating well. And the difference there is the motivation and the determination.

I'm a little more lax now. I have some wine every now and then, eat what I want, maybe snack on a few too many Wheat Thins or something.

I'm not giving up or anything. I am still weighing myself and focusing on losing weight in a real way; it's just the gung ho-ness is missing. Where'd it go and how do I get it back? I miss the gung ho-ness!

Telling new people about your weight loss

Obviously the people in my life know about my weight loss because they can just see it. I have only told a few people the actual number of how much I've lost. And I even surprised myself by telling my parents my actual weight. But they're the only ones! I think it's good to talk about fitness and weight loss and what you're doing that works or to talk about the struggles and everything with friends.

But what about new people you just met? Do you tell them, "Hey, I used to weigh 250, but I've lost 75 lbs so far."

Let's talk it out...

Would it just be bragging? Yeah, I am proud that I have lost this weight, but I am equally not proud that I let myself gain it in the first place. So for me, it wouldn't be to brag or boast about how far I've come, but I wouldn't want someone else to think that it was.

Would it draw unnecessary attention to my weight? I don't like drawing attention to my body. Let's just not bring it up, ya know? When you start talking about your weight (whether you are overweight or not) it just makes the person look at your body and assess it basically. No thanks. I'd rather it almost be a non-issue than making it the center of a conversation.

Would it make people think different of me? Would they think I have bad self-control or think of me as the girl who used to be fat? Maybe that would be how they defined me.

Or would it help people understand me and get to know me better? Would they understand why I hate bathing suits (doesn't everyone tho?)?  Or understand why I'm self-conscious or not comfortable sometimes?

I also think it's different when you are talking to a girl or a guy. Girls would be easier to tell because they can understand weight issues, and women just relate to each other differently. But with guys, I would worry that they would immediately start judging me. Especially a guy I am dating... isn't huge weight gain even if you lose it, a turn off?

Also it's about timing. Obviously it's not something you bring up in the first conversation or anything, and you can just talk about it when the time feels right or with the right person.

Maybe it's not even that big of a deal! Tell people you want to tell, don't tell those you don't. Whatever!

What do you guys think? What has been your experience?

A dating follow up :)

I wrote last week about how I have been dating a guy, and I'm happy to say it's going really well! We have gone out 4 times already, and are going out again tonight. (For sushi, which I love, nice and healthy!)

We have also gone hiking, which is something I haven't done since I was 16 and on a family vacation where I bitched the entire time. However this time was really fun! We saw two different waterfalls and got to see some great scenic views! It's nice to have someone show me around here! Even nicer when it's a nice, fun guy that I like!

He's super sweet. He texts me those great "good morning" texts and throughout the day and always talks about things we can do together. And he really wants to show me around and is interested in what I like to do.

Also, certain things are just so much better in the dating world now that I have lost some weight... Like when he pulled me onto his lap the last time we hung out; we were grilling out on his patio and he just pulled me to sit on his lap. Now before, I would be freaking out thinking about how I was crushing his leg and would have tried to balance and put all my weight on my thighs to make myself seem lighter (ridiculous!), but this time, I just went with it and sat on his lap. It was nice!

And when he hugs me or puts his arm around me, I'm not trying to straighten up or suck in so he can't feel my fat, Not that it's not still there (it is!), but there is less of it and I'm not as self-conscious.

Speaking of self-conscious, on the swimming/ bathing suit front... thankfully he hasn't brought it up again, but I am sure he will. I have some one pieces that fit and look fine, and have ordered some tankinis from Target that will be here this week. Then I can try them on and return them if I don't like them. Thank you to everyone who commented on my bathing suit post, you were all very helpful!

I still fret about what to wear and don't wear shorts, but I feel better knowing he likes me. The beginning of dating always sucks. I hate first dates.. but you have to have a first date to have any other ones so what are you gunna do?

Well that's pretty much it! It's casual dating at this point and I don't know if we will get to the bf/gf point but I'm not really focusing on that so much. I am just having fun and enjoying it!

Also thank you to everyone who commented on that last dating post too! Your comments are always so encouraging and help me gain perspective on things! You all basically said to take a chance, have fun and just go for it because if I let my weight get in the way of me doing things (like it has so many times before), I would just regret it and miss out on good experiences. So thank you :)

A look at my healthy meal plan

The other day someone asked me for a sample of what I've been eating to lose weight at the rate that I have been. And I would love to, so here it is! 

For breakfast, I basically have a smoothie every morning. I do it in a blender, and put in usually a banana and an orange, and blend it, then add a handful of spinach (which you cant taste) and blend, then the yogurt (a sm carton or 1/3 cup, I like vanilla) and a cup of ice and blend it. I blend it in stages so its easier. Also other times I add frozen fruit like strawberries or mixed berries or peaches. It's so good, and if you want more substance, you can add whey protein powder.

Another good breakfast is Egg Beaters (I like the southwestern kind) scrambled up with a Laughing Cow cheese wedge, really good and low cal.

Lunch is usually cooked up zucchini and summer squash with frozen shrimp or chicken (I just buy a rotisserie and pull it apart and use that) with Adobo seasoning. (I LOVE Adobo, its in the ethnic aisle.)

Or I make a sandwich with a bagel thin and deli turkey or rotis chicken with tomato and lettuce and a cheese slice (the lower cal ones) or Laughing Cow cheese and/ or mustard. Then you don't feel like you need mayo, but if I use mayo, its lite. Or sometimes I just take a couple slices of turkey and put cheese on it and roll it up. Or I make a wrap using La Tortilla Factory tortillas, they are the lowest carb.

I have also been eating rotisserie chicken with Grey Poupon, which is really good!

Dinner is usually some sort of protein, like chicken or fish or pork (seasoned or marinated somehow) with veggies. I eat a lot of those steamer veggies. I love broccoli sauteed with garlic and Adobo, or zucchini or asparagus with sea salt. Fill up on veggies because they have hardly any cals and if you season them up, they taste really good!

The best dessert type thing (kinda the only thing really) I have is pudding with whipped cream. I make my own from the instant mixes, the Low Fat, Sugar Free ones, and they have cheesecake (my fave, so good), vanilla, choc, and choc fudge. And then I get Cool Whip FREE which is pretty much amazing bc its so low cal and you can use a lot for very little points/ calories. I have this pretty much every day :)

Also Skinny Cow or Weight Watchers ice cream bars/ sandwiches/ etc are really good.

Other snacks I have are celery, carrots or snap peas with Laughing cow cheese or granola bars (make sure to look at the nutritional info tho) or pretzels, which usually I count out so I don't eat the whole bag.. umm... or wheat thins sometimes. I don't usually eat that stuff because I tend to go overboard and don't realize how many I've had.

I like to make fries too sometimes, just take a potato (or I am into sweet potato fries these days) and cut it into small slices and bake it with salt. That way they're not "fried" and have the same cals as a simple potato.

Thats probably a good start, if not an overkill answer! I don't venture out too much when I'm eating healthy but that's ok because everything I eat I like. You really can't go wrong with things that are NOT processed or manufactured in any way. And of course, everything in moderation.

I swear by Weight Watchers. Once you learn the points values of foods and how much you're supposed to have a day, it becomes so easy to know how to eat to lose weight. I know the system, so I don't go to meetings or pay for a membership, but I love it and it works! Plus, it makes it easy to live a normal life and not feel like you're dieting!

Also drink lots of water, look up nutritional info before you go to restaurants and give yourself a cheat day or meal if you feel like you need it... Well those are my tips! Hope this helps! Do you have any for me?

Weigh In... long over due

Ok so with the move and getting settled and all, I haven't been blogging as much. But that will change because I really miss it :)

I HAVE been weighing myself, but haven't done my official Sunday WIs. I have also been thinking about changing my WI day to Friday. Yes, this would be so I could relax a little bit on the weekends. Let's call it a mental health thing. I have been dating a guy and we hang out on the weekends, so I want to just be able to go out for ice cream or have a glass of wine without worrying about the scale. I think, especially at this stage of the game, it will work for me because I know how to eat smart and I feel like I have a handle on the overeating right now.

So today's weight is 175.5, meaning I am down 1.5 from 6/28 when I last weighed in here, but it has been fluctuating in the last 2 weeks, even going up to 182 at one point.

I will be getting back on track with official WIs every week now. I am 25 lbs away from my 100 lb lost goal!! And it is GOING to happen :)

I hope you all are having a great weekend and doing well! 

Best swim suit for my body?! Ugh.

Ok I have a problem. Bathing suit season. Ugh. I. Hate. Bathing. Suits. Why? Because I hate my body and have stretch marks on my stomach and sides!

I haven't been in a bathing suit since 2008. And it was a one piece. I was self conscious, but was with my boyfriend at the time and didn't feel like I completely wanted to die. I think I was around 190-200 at that time. I weigh less now, so you'd think I might feel more comfortable, but no.

I can't stand my body. A bathing suit is just way too "hello world look at my every fat roll, cellulite dimple and stretch mark!" It makes me so uncomfortable.

So my solution for this is just to avoid having to be in one.

But.. this guy I have gone out with has a pool and has mentioned going swimming. Like it's no big deal. Sure, it's no big deal to him! But I don't even own a swimsuit. And I don't want to prance around in a bathing suit showing my every disgusting flaw!

So to my question... what kinds of swimsuits would look best on me?

Sadly I think a bikini is out because of my stretch marks and obviously because my stomach and everything would be all hanging out there. Gross. I was thinking a monokini would be good because it would cover my stomach but still be kind of like a bikini.... what do you think of this one?

I'd like to do a one piece but I wouldn't want him to be disappointed that he's with the boring chick who wears a grandma suit.

And then there's the tankini, which would probably cover my stomach enough but still be a two piece.

I should post a picture of myself on here since I haven't done that in awhile. Maybe I will soon...

Self-conscious + Dating = Stress

Right before I moved, I got on an online dating site and actually started talking to this one guy who seemed really cool! I was surprised I actually met someone that I would want to meet so soon.

But I met him this past weekend and I like him! He seems really sweet, texts me multiple times a day, and wants to hang out again. He's nice and funny and cute. It's all good.

But here's the thing. Dating when I feel so self-conscious about my body is so nerve wrecking. I'm constantly thinking about what I look like, if I look fat.

It takes me forever to find an outfit to wear. I even sit down in front of a mirror so I can see how my stomach looks in different tops! And of course it never looks good.

And it's summertime now and I don't wear shorts. He has mentioned going hiking, and I feel like I'm not one of those girls who can throw on some cute khaki shorts and a tank top and head out for a nice hike up the mountain.

And God forbid he wants to go swimming or to the lake where I would have to wear a swim suit, which he has mentioned. Horrible...

I wish I could get out of my head and just be one of those super confident girls no matter what they look like. I do feel better about my body now that I've lost weight, but I still feel so insecure. I know I should just realize that he is interested, and therefore finds me attractive, so I should just relax, but it is easier said than done.

Pant sizes are crazy these days

I am happy to report that I just bought some new clothes and bought 3 pair of pants that were all size 12! One was jeans, one was jean capris and another was white capris. I was very excited because they fit perfectly!

So does this mean I'm a size 12? My first thought honestly was that maybe the store's sizing was off. But I did shop at a couple different stores, so that's not the case. However, I still fit into my size 14 jeans and my current pants aren't fitting any looser really. It's weird. Either way, I'll take it!

My weight has leveled out, today it was around 178. I will be getting my elliptical back this week, so workouts will be starting up by Wednesday! And I am back to my eating good plan!

Attitude of Gratitude: Size 12 pants fitting good, yay!!

I'm still here!

I haven't posted in awhile since I've been busy with the move and all.

It has been a little stressful, and we have been eating at restaurants a lot and ordering pizza. But I'm mostly settled in now, so I will be eating way healthier.

I also haven't been working out. Our stuff had to come in 2 shipments (long story) and only half of my elliptical got on this truck! Grr! The other half will be here in a week or so. Also, since I have moved in with my parents (just for now! and making plans to move out!), their house is in a community that is kind of up a mountain with really skinny, one lane roads so I don't feel comfortable running or even walking the dogs outside. :(

I missed my last weigh in (it was about 181, up 4 lbs or so), but I will do it this week. I have also been thinking about changing my WI day, so we'll see. I'm not happy about gaining weight, but what did I expect with all the junk food?

How are all of you? I haven't been reading blogs, but I will definitely be catching up soon! I miss you guys :)

Attitude of Gratitude: The hardest part of the move is over!

Extreme Laziness

Today has been the laziest day ever. And I am not even guilty about it at all!

I am at my sister's place to kind of chill and get out of the way of the movers and what not. And we have just been hanging out watching the Casey Anthony trial that has been on TV all day. Like literally lounging in sweats all day. We even ordered in sandwiches.

But that's ok because come Friday, I will be super busy with the move and getting settled into a whole new place. Sometimes ya just need a lazy day to recharge.

HOPEFULLY... I will get a job (Soon!!), new friends, new routine, new things to do, all new life! Priority #1 tho, is the job!! Bring on the job!

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful for this relaxing, lazy day because hopefully soon I will be nice and active and busy with things!

Moving this week!

It's finally here! Moving week!

I am so excited to finally get down to NC and have a great, fresh start! It will be the perfect time to start over and get my life set up the way I want it. I'll get a job, my own place, get friends, get a man (hopefully!), new hobbies, new places to go, everything!

This week, the movers are here and then we are driving down. So I probably won't be working out much this week, and I might be eating not so healthy things. Like today, it was kind of chaotic and we ordered pizza. I had 2 slices of thin crust pizza. No big deal. I don't feel bad about it at all. I am just living life and eating everything in moderation. It feels like a nice controlled way to live. You know, like how it should be!

I am sure I will be able to incorporate losing weight with this move. It will only be a week of being out of wack and I have a new way of eating that won't throw me totally off plan. And even if I do gain or just maintain, whatever. It's one week, I'll be fine!

Attitude of Gratitude: We're moving and I am HAPPY about it! Fresh starts feel so... fresh and new and awesome!

Weigh In Day

I actually weighed in in the middle of the day (after a not so healthy cheesy omelet) and it said 177.0, which makes me happy! I could do the WI tomorrow just to see if it is lower, but I'll just go with that number. Which means I lost 2 lbs this week!

And I even spent the day and night with friends yesterday, with some not so healthy eating and too much drinking.

Thanks to my blogger friend, Ann, I'm starting to talk about and think about foods as healthy or not so healthy rather than good or bad. Because like she told me once, there is no "bad" foods, just foods with different nutritional info basically. And your mindset about food does affect you on other levels.

Attitude of Gratitude: This weekend was really fun!

Let's talk about stretch marks...

Losing weight does help to reduce the appearance of stretch marks. Go figure! But even so, apparently, they never go away!

As I gained weight, I got stretch marks. And I got them like when I gained 15 lbs back in college. I remember seeing this tiny red line and wondering what it was, and then realizing it was a stretch mark. I also remember my boyfriend at the time asking what it was. Embarrassing!!

And it did get bigger, and then when I really gained weight, I got more and more. At my highest weight, it looked like I had gotten mauled by a bear. My stomach was covered with vertical red lines all over it. It was obscene. I hated looking at my body. It also affected my relationship at the time because I didn't want him to see my body really either. I would even try to get dressed without him seeing me.

I also got some on my upper arms, like kind of underneath by my arms pits. Not that I didn't know it already, but the stretch marks really made me see how much I was gaining, or had gained. They are so bad!

I bought Bio Oil (didn't do anything, over a period of 3 bottles) and then Mederma for stretch marks (didn't do anything, over a period of 4-5 lotions, at $40 a piece).

However, as I have been losing weight, they have gotten less red. They are still there and I can definitely see them, especially in the light or when you look at it from an angle. I still HATE them, but at least they are not as noticeable.

I just hate it. It makes me so self-conscious. I'll never wear a bikini even at my goal weight because of them. I'll always wonder if a guy is looking at them.

Other than my ex, I haven't talked to anyone about them or shown them to anyone. Even writing this post is uncomfortable! So I understand if no one wants to comment, but do you guys have stretch marks? How do you feel about them? Have they ever gone away? Anything you do to hide them or get ride of them?

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that those lil bastards are at least not red anymore!

So sore!

I am sooo sore! My legs and butt are killing me. The day before yesterday, I did Bob's Biggest Loser bootcamp DVD and apparently I really have been slacking because it kicked my butt!

Lately, I have been lazy when I get on the elliptical. I've been working out daily, but these days, I just go slow (altho at a level 6). And my heart rate monitor shows that most of my workout time is spent in fat burn rather than fitness (meaning I put in less work).

How the hell did I ever do 90 minutes on the elliptical every day? What was I thinking? And I wasn't going slow when I did that either! Where'd that girl go?

But why complain about things you're not going to do anything about? Sooo, I was getting annoyed with myself for not putting in enough effort, so I did that DVD and man, it shows how "out of shape" I can get after not doing it for awhile.

And then today, I did my Week 3 C25k run/walk thing. I am actually finding it easier to run for longer periods of time... and by longer, I mean 3 minutes. Haha! My heart rate was in fitness mode the entire time, so that's good.

Attitude of Gratitude: I am getting excited about moving! Hopefully I can find a job soon!

I deserve good things

I'm thinking differently these days. About myself and life in general. It's pretty awesome actually.

I believe that I deserve good things now. I honestly feel that now.

I hate to say that I didn't really feel like I deserved good things when I was at my highest weight, but I didn't.

What is so horrible about that is obviously a person should not be defined or valued (or devalued) based on their weight or any other superficial thing. I would feel so bad for someone else who felt that way. I would tell them that they are crazy and of course they deserve good things, and that their weight has nothing to do with whether or not they deserve good things. But I didn't feel it for myself.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I was unhappy. We fought a lot and I thought about breaking up with him several times. But what it really came down to was that I didn't think I deserved better. I literally thought the words, "Well at least he loves me. I should feel lucky that someone does. What if no one else will ever love me again?" And most of that thinking had to do with my weight and body image.

But now I do I believe that I deserve a great guy, and that I will find someone who loves me and is perfect for me.

When I would interview for a job and not get the job, I would always wonder if it has to do with my weight. I would wonder if they thought that because I wasn't disciplined or willing to take care of myself, how could I take care of my work?

And now I have doubts about my work experience and abilities career-wise, but if I didn't get a job, I wouldn't immediately think it was because of my weight.

Am I just feeling like this because I have lost weight? Or am I feeling like this because I have also changed in the process of losing weight? I don't exactly know the answer to that, but I hope it is the second one. I am stronger now. I am more positive. I am proud of myself for accomplishing something. I am confident. And why should I not deserve good things? I am a good person, I treat people well, I put effort into things.

It's just such a shift in the way I feel about myself. Just to feel like I'm worthy of good things. It feels really nice.

Attitude of Gratitude: You know how my blog is titled, "Need to get me back,"? Well I feel like I really am getting myself back.

Weigh In

This week I lost 4.9 lbs! I currently weigh 179.0.

Ok, I am happy, buuuut this isn't really the drastic loss that it seems because most of it was just water weight from gaining 5 lbs in like, 3 days last week from eating horrible foods.

However, I am back to the 170's, which is great and I am going to keep moving down!

My goals for this week are to eat well, and to kick it up a notch with my workouts. I did a bootcamp DVD today, and will do more DVDs this week, plus C25k (which I'm not really doing according to how you're supposed to, but any running will be good). Oh and drink more water because I have been lacking in that department.

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful on this Father's Day to have the most awesome dad!

Why do you want to lose weight?

Dropping the weight isn't as easy (and fast) as it was when I first started. I know it's just because I have less to lose, which is obviously good, but it is more of a struggle now.

Things in terms of losing weight are not bad right now, but they're not great. I feel like I'm kind of on an edge where I could go one way or another. I could continue losing weight until I get to my goal, or I could slowly start giving up and start gaining again. (Which I'm not going to do!!)

This is usually the time where the going gets hard and I would just start giving up. Or I would sabotage myself. Maybe that's what I did last week. Self-sabotage is such a huge thing that it would take a post all for itself, so I'll just leave it alone for now.

Right now I want to highlight all the reasons WHY I want to lose weight. If I know why I am doing this and why it's important to me, then that will make it easier mentally... since I always say the mental aspect is a huge part of the battle. So here goes...

• To be healthy, get sick less, prevent bad health diseases
• To be able to go for a walk, go up stairs, etc without getting out of breath
• To be able to shop for clothes I actually like
• To be able to wear sleeveless shirts again, dresses, shorts, swim suits, etc
• To be able to wear a skirt and not have my thighs rub together
• To be able to wear white clothes and not feel big
• To be feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel insecure
• To not feel like I am being held back from doing things bc of my weight
• To be attractive, especially being single and dating
• To get checked out by guys again and not feel like no one would ever find me attractive
• To feel worthy of dating a cute guy rather than thinking someone attractive wouldn't want me
• To look better naked and to feel sexy rather than insecure during.. you know
• To feel confident in other aspects of my life, getting a job, making friends, etc
• To not feel like the fat girl in a group of people
• To not feel like people are looking at me or talking about me bc I'm overweight
• To be able to just relax when I'm with friends and not constantly worry about how I look 
• No muffin top or back fat
• To look awesome at my wedding some day
• To be pretty not just in a "you have a pretty face" kind of way
• To feel like if I can lose 100 lbs, I can do anything
• To feel normal, just like a normal, young, attractive girl

What are your reasons?

I'm overweight!

Usually that's not a happy statement to make, but I just realized that according to my BMI, I am now overweight instead of obese.

I think I am recovering from my stupid 3 day binge from last week. Today after I worked out, I weighed 179.6.

According to the BMI calculator, 30 and over is obese, and I am 29.8. So just barely under, but still under. Thumbs up.

On another note, do you guys ever feel lazy when you are working out? Today I did the elliptical, but was just not feeling it. I have my heart rate monitor and today's workout was pretty much all in fat burn zone rather than in the (harder) fitness zone. I don't know why, but I was just going so slow and not into it at all. Maybe I should run/ walk outside tomorrow. I keep thinking I should do a workout DVD but I'm just feeling so lazy lately.

Attitude of Gratitude: Not obese!

Shopping is so much better minus 70 lbs

I used to HATE shopping for clothes. Everything I bought was just out of necessity. And more than likely it would be in some attempt to cover up my fat. Nothing too fitted, nothing too colorful. Most of it was black. None of it was stylish.

Trying on clothes in a store used to be such an emotional thing because I would always leave feeling horrible about my body and myself.

And have you ever noticed that clothes that allow you to cover up tend to be fancier sometimes? Like when I would go out with friends, my skinny friends could wear jeans and a cheap tank top and look awesome. I, on the other hand, would have to find some kind of shirt to hid my stomach, hid my arms, and then I ended up looking like I was "trying." Does that make sense? So I spent more money and still looked worse than everyone else.

But I love that I can pick and choose things I actually want to wear now.When I try things on, they fit! And THEN I decide whether I like it. Before, if it fit, I liked it. Plain and simple.


Today I went shopping for some tops to wear out to a bar or some night out with the girls, which will probably happen next weekend. And it was easy to find some cute tops to wear! I didn't like everything I tried on, but nothing looked horrendous and I didn't leave all sad and depressed. Instead, I got to get some cute tops with nice bright colors, that actually fit and even accentuated my body rather than try to hide it.

It just feels so nice and normal. I never want to have to shop in the plus size section again. Right now, I'm between a 12-14 jeans and am a size large shirt. I'm not at my goal (still have 30 lbs to go), but I feel good with where I am.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that I don't dread shopping anymore. I was actually excited to get some new pretty tops.