Thursday, August 4, 2011

It's never about the food

My good blogger friend, Gen, who has an awesome blog called The Geneen Roth Experiment, challenged me to really think about why I am lacking motivation. And I'm glad she did because I believe there's always a reason behind things like that.

A lot of times, you don't see the reason. Sometimes you might even look for the reason and you can't find it. You argue that there really is no other reason than feeling lazy or loving junk food. Those things might be true, but not to the extent to which is starts to really affect you.

So in order to put a halt to the rut I'm in, I need to be fully aware of what has pushed me into it to begin with. So on to my "why."

I'm stressed. I just moved to a new town. That is insanely small. Like, I was not prepared for it kind of small. It has a population of 3,000 and a median age of 58. The nearest Target is 30 minutes away. The nearest mall is an hour away. Great for retired people like my parents, not so much for a 26 year old like myself. My plan is to move to a larger city nearby.

Which leads me to my next point of stress; I'm living with my parents. I have been for the last year since I broke up with my very long term boyfriend. I don't feel like I am living the kind of life a 26 year old should be living. Yeah, that's subjective, but I used to live with my boyfriend in a house, close to being engaged. Now I am living at home with my parents, with no job, no boyfriend, no real plan.

My main priority right now is finding a job. It's hard because I graduated 3 years ago and have little to show for it. I have a couple short term, temporary jobs on my resume, but other than that, I'm not exactly a catch to the hiring committee. I have been applying for jobs and had a few interviews since I've moved here, but so far no job. And having nothing to do and no real purpose is starting to weigh on me since it's been so long.

The fun thing lately has been the guy I'm dating. He is cool to hang out with and we go to different places and have fun, but I think he is very commitment-phobic because of a failed marriage. I can't say I like him enough where I would want to officially be his girlfriend, but with the way he talks about other girls he's dated and not wanting to move fast makes me think it's like something he is trying to avoid. Like the guy desperately trying to keep his freedom. Dating someone who is fun and casual is nice and I like having at least one friend here, but ultimately I want someone I can really be with. So I have been thinking I'll keep dating him but I don't see it being an official relationship. That does make me miss having a loving relationship and wishing I could meet someone who is right for me. So maybe that is also adding to it.

At the root of it all, I feel lost. Starting over from scratch is hard. I feel like other than my family, I have nothing right now. It's overwhelming trying to put it all together.

So maybe that was too much info, but that is pretty much what is going on with me these days. I know I need to be more in touch with what I am feeling when I want to eat a bunch of chips or crackers or have plain white toast with lots of peanut butter on it for breakfast...

Final note: It's never about the food. It's always about something else going on that is pushing you to eat or drink as a way to make yourself feel better. So I think figuring out the reason and focusing on the feelings behind it is an important part in getting past it.

4 comments:

ylanthe said...

Good for you for figuring out your "why". It's a hard thing, and very brave of you to put it out there, so good on you!

Janie said...

You know, you actually have a great deal to be thankful for - I was in the same boat as you 6 years ago, but a fair bit older! If I hadn't had my parents to fall back on and move in with I would certainly be bankrupt. Instead I used that time to heal the hurt, clear enough of the debt to be able to breathe again and get my head sorted. Can you turn this situation on its head and use this time as a rest period where you plan your amazing future? Start a class in something that will help your employment future, or volunteer if it's experience you're lacking? I hope I don't sound patronizing, just want you to know that someone else has been there x

Diandra said...

You did the thinking, now all you have to do is the "acting on it" part. Which is even harder. ^^ Sorry, that was probably not very helpful... but why not use this as an opportunity to find yourself in the middle of all this, find out what you really want, who you are when no one is watching?

Gen said...

Wow, I can see why you would be struggling with the weight loss right now, there's obviously quite a bit going on! I definitely know what it's like to move somewhere new and feel lost (not unlike my current situation). I don't have any amazing advice because I don't know how to get myself out of my own rut! All I know is these things are usually temporary, and if you focus on having a goal and moving towards it, you will absolutely get there. This isn't your ideal situation, but you can still make it enjoyable. Like someone mentioned, start doing stuff you might enjoy and might help with your future plans, like take a class or volunteer. Plus it's a great way to meet people! P.S. I'm glad my comment was helpful!