Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I'm repeating my mistakes

How is it that I SEE myself repeating my mistakes. I SEE what I am doing wrong when I am doing it - and even before I do it. And yet I still do it? Why?

The scale read 179 today. I'm going up. I'm not working out and I am eating poorly. Let me expand on that one... I am eating destructively. Not only am I eating bad once in a while and not eating my veggies, I am actively eating the worst things. Why is that??

I know it's emotional, but I almost can't help it. ... That sounds so weak. Lame.

Once I started losing weight and changed my whole lifestyle before, I realized that when I was unhappy, I ate to try to ignore it or push it aside. And when I was really low, I thought about food a lot. I would literally think about what I was going to eat next, or where I could go to get something to eat. And then I changed. I ate to live instead of the other way around. And I was proud of myself! But now here I am doing the same thing I did back then. I am noticing that I think about food more and want to eat the unhealthiest things. Especially when I'm alone, that's when I pick up the candy bar at the store or go thru the drive thru and don't tell anyone. It's gross. Bad. Destructive.

Am I sabotaging myself? And why now?

I've asked the question, why, a couple times now. But if I am being honest, I know what's up. I am unemployed and bored. I don't know what to do with myself most days. I live with my boyfriend, and for the most part, things are good with us. He works on cars out of the garage, but has lots of friends in town, so he leaves in the morning and randomly throughout the day to go see what's going on at their auto shops and stuff. And I have no where to go. I have very few friends here. I feel like I have no purpose. Every day, he asks me what I am going to do today, and I always say I don't know. I have nothing to do. I am getting unemployment and doing some freelance writing, but that doesn't take up much time. I'm not getting as much work as I wish I was. I have a background in marketing, but don't want to go back to a full-time office job. Maybe that just makes me lazy but it puts me in a horrible mood just thinking about it, so I'm trying to figure out something else. I'm lost.

BUT.... none of that gives me the right to undo the work I've done. I need to FINISH and get to my goal.