Getting real

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again - thank you all for following my lil blog here and for your wonderful comments. I appreciate all the support so much!

This post is about getting real... for my sake, but also to give you a little background info.

Let's start off with the basic question - how did I get to weigh 250 pounds?

Well, I've struggled with my weight all my life. I gain weight very easily. I like food. I don't like exercise. That oughta do it, right? Not quite. Obviously it's more than that.

I got to 250 lbs because my life was out of control. I was unhappy with my life, my relationship, my career, everything... and at the same time, I was trying to convince myself I wasn't. I was depressed, but I couldn't see it. Instead, I ate it.

I graduated from college and couldn't hold down a job. You know, economy, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have any friends in the area since I moved to be with my now exboyfriend. We had issues, but worked thru them, usually with me just letting it go. He worked nights and weekends, long shifts and overtime, so I was alone most of the time. I should have gone out and gotten a job and made friends, but I just didn't. I kept holding out for the job that didn't come and worked from home. I felt defeated, frustrated, lonely, but kept trying to convince myself I was happy and everything was ok. I tried not to let anything really hit me.

And every day it seemed like I was constantly thinking about what I was going to eat. Eating was the highlight of my day, every day. I would get fast food, I would go get donuts just for myself, candy bars every time I was at the grocery store or gas station, I would raid the pantry eating every random thing in there. I would order a large pizza, eat the whole thing throughout the day and throw away the box before my boyfriend came home. I would constantly eat until I was stuffed. And I watched a lot of TV.

I knew I was gaining weight because even my sweatpants were getting tight. I had to go buy size 20 jeans. My face changed and I basically lost my jawline. Bending down to paint my toe nails was uncomfortable. I got winded going up the stairs. Going out to dinner or anywhere where I had to dress nice was a huge challenge because I could never find something I was comfortable wearing. The sex life suffered because my naked body repulsed me so I figured it would repulse anyone else. To be fair, the now ex never said anything about it and we broke up for other reasons. I was so insecure tho. I stopped wanting to be in any pictures, and didn't post new pictures on Facebook because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself and didn't want all my friends knowing.

And then the breakup happened. We had been together for like, a third of our lives, we lived together, and planned on being together forever. It was horrible. I moved back in with my parents, several hours away. I was so devastated. I didn't want to get out of bed, I always wanted to be alone, I was a sad mess. But something strangely interesting happened. Instead of wanting to eat and eat and eat, I couldn't. I had no desire to eat. I cried all the time. I felt so bad, my feelings were right at the surface and I just couldn't eat. I lost 8 lbs in that first week. And I kept thinking about how I thought I was an emotional eater, but now, when my emotions were sky high, I didn't want to? What gives?

Ironically, even before the breakup, I was in the process of reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth which talks about how compulsive/ emotional eaters use food as a drug to numb down our feelings. After a couple months, I went back to the book and have since read it twice. Now I can see just how much I used food to get rid of uncomfortable feelings. And right after the breakup, when I was feeling my feelings so intensely, I didn't think about eating because at that time, no amount of food could have distracted me from what was going on. It was a real eye opener. I also realized that feelings are meant to be felt, and quite honestly, if I can go thru those feelings and feel worse than I ever have before, every other feeling just pales in comparison. No feeling will kill you. And as Geneen Roth says, "If you don't let a feeling begin, you also don't let it end." Plus, eating can only distract you/ numb you from the feeling for so long. It doesn't solve anything. And obviously gaining a ton of weight just makes everything worse.

It's been about 6 months and I am doing much better. I know the relationship wasn't right and that I want to find someone better for me. I am also working to get myself back after losing myself so much in the last couple years. I have lost 40 lbs and am going to lose the other 60 this year. And even tho I still wish I could eat whatever I wanted and be skinny, and I still have cravings and want to eat a whole bag of chips or whatever, I am thinking about food much differently than before. Obviously I am on the losing weight track, so I have to count points and measure things out and be really mindful, but I also feel like I have a handle on my emotional eating- at least for right now. And I am in the process of getting a handle on everything else, so I won't repeat the past ever again. That's why this blog is called Need to Get ME Back, because I lost myself and am getting the old (yet also new and improved) me back :)

Since I feel like it has seriously gotten thru to me, I am going to do a little book summary of Women, Food and God, with quotes I like, so be on the lookout for that soon!