It has officially caught up to me

I stepped on the scale today. I now weigh 181. Yep, I am back into the 180s. After getting to the 160s. I am sickened. What did I expect to happen? I went from eating totally clean with very little "cheating" to eating whatever I felt like. Which, especially living with a guy who can eat anything and not gain weight, is mostly unhealthy stuff.

Ice cream, chips, pizza, wine, tacos, cupcakes, frosting, wine, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta, wine. And I thought I wouldn't get up to 180? Or was I trying to get up here?

That's what is really eating me right now. Am I sabotaging myself? Why am I doing this to myself and not stopping? Like it wasn't going to catch up to me. Well it is officially caught up. I've gained over 10 lbs and my pants are fitting a little tighter. Shirts I used to feel comfortable in are now in the back of the closet. I'm so mad and disappointed in myself. @#$%^*&^%$#!!!

Always an addict?

When I was right in the thick of losing weight and being strict and really making things happen, I was so focused. If you had asked me, I would have said that I would never ever gain weight again. I was going to reach my goal weight and stay within 5 lbs of it. Forever. No doubts about it.

But now that I haven't made my goal weight and have instead gained back 10 of the 80 lbs I had lost, I don't have the same conviction. I'm not that sure anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight and be sure that I will never gain it back again because I know how miserable I was at that weight. I know how my life was back them and how much my weight affected my happiness and every single thing in my life. It wasn't fun and I don't want to go back.

But at what point would it just be easy? Is maintenance easy? Or will I always be this person who is basically susceptible to obesity. Like is it a disease or addiction that will follow me around all my life?

Right now, I've gained some weight and fallen out of the strict "go get it" mentality, and am majorly struggling to get it back. Do I have some gene in me that makes this an issue at least every so often? I want to wholeheartedly believe that I'll never go back to being 250 lbs. But why is there this little voice in my head that is scared I will?

If I changed my lifestyle for a good year or so, why can I not get it back as easily now? Will it ever get easy?

Making an effort

This week has been ok. Not great, but not bad. I have worked out most days and been making an effort to eat well. "Making an effort" doesn't really sound that awesome, right?

 Well, I have been making healthier meals, but the snacking and mindless eating is a problem. For some reason, it's really easy to just forget that I am trying to eat well now. Like all of a sudden, I find myself grabbing a couple Oreos when my boyfriend is eating them. And then I remember Oreos aren't exactly on the good foods list.

And then today after I worked out (which makes it worse), I ate chips and some avocado dip we had. Duuuumb.

What I eat in private is still the main issue. What am I, a closet eater now? I just tend to eat way more and more unhealthy when I am alone. My boyfriend can eat whatever he wants and not gain weight, but he doesn't really snack too much, especially during the day. If he were around, he'd probably suggest breakfast or lunch rather than just eating chips.

I need to get some healthier snacks or just keep it at the forefront of my mind more. I have to make this a priority. Do you guys have any tips for not making that quick, impulsive decision to eat something you know you shouldn't?

Side note.. I need to fix what is at the root of this. Re-reading Women, Food and God  might need to be in my near future.

I think my mind's in it again

Everyone knows how to lose weight. Yeah, there's a lot of gimmicky things to try, like miracle pills, random Dr. Oz recommendations, etc. But we all know that is we exercise and eating healthy foods.

Personally, I learned the basics of what foods are good for weight loss and what isn't from Weight Watchers. I found some things that I thought were healthy to be totally calorie-laden, like almonds. I would eat almonds like popcorn until I actually counted out the calories (or points) and now learned I can't trust myself to only eat 8, or whatever the serving size is.

I digress... my point is that losing weight is simple. It's math. If you burn more than you consume, you will lose weight.

The problem with this is that I think it's hugely a mental thing. I can tell myself all day that I need to lose weight and need to do this and that, but it all comes down to whether I will do it or not. If I am bored or in a bad mood, will I grab a bag of chips and go to town or get a candy bar at the store? Or will I keep in mind what I am doing and make the conscious decision to not do that? Will I do what I need to do or just say eh whatever and order pizza instead or cooking healthy?

My mind has so not been into it in the last few months, for whatever reason. But I think it is now. It has been for the last couple days anyway. I even worked out today and had a smoothie for breakfast. So here's hoping it sticks! I think I will have to prove myself for a couple weeks before I can be confident.

PS- Why did Blogger change? I don't like it.

Need to get me back... Again.

I started this blog when I was needing to get myself back to who I really was. After gaining so much weight, and going through other life stuff, I didn't know who I was. I had let myself go in more ways than just physically, and I made the decision that I needed to get ME back.

So I made this blog so I could use it as a little journal therapy and get support from other bloggers going through the same thing. And it worked. It kept me accountable. It made me sit down and think about what I was doing every day and write about it. And I made some cool blogger friends that were supportive and helpful and gave me new perspectives.

Somehow in the last 6 months, I kinda lost my footing again. I got caught up in working a lot, going out a lot and making yummy food with my boyfriend (who can eat anything and never gain weight), finding better things to do than working out, etc etc. Outcome? I have gained 10 lbs.

And I hadn't even reached my goal, so I am just backtracking and undoing my progress. So... I need to get me back again. Not only do I feel like I've lost myself in terms of gaining some weight back and falling into bad eating habits, but I am at square one with my job situation and wanting to do something different. I'm unemployed and feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. But instead of whining, I need to be proactive and do something about it. Not sure exactly what that means right now, but I will figure it out.

So here's to me getting myself back...

Goals-
I will lose 10 lbs this month... this means eating healthy and working out.
I will get up by 8:30 and work out.
I will volunteer somewhere this month.
I will focus more on freelance writing, which is what I've been doing to make money these days.
I will try to make friends here.
I will blog more and hopefully get my awesome support team back.