I hate myself

For some reason, the minute I tell myself I need to start eating healthy, I can think of nothing else but eating everything in sight. And it's always when I'm by myself too, which tells you just how sick it is. This morning, I ate handfuls of some chocolate cereal and then 2 pop tarts, and then had a healthy lunch with my boyfriend, and then when he left to get some work done, I sat around and ate chips, and then made cupcakes (for my boyfriend and roommate.. yeah, who's buying that one?). I must have ate at least 2 cupcakes in batter alone and then made frosting and ate enough of that too. And then randomly, I ate some deli meat.

What. The. Hell. What is wrong with me??

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. Today almost felt like binging which is scaring me. I will gain all my weight back so easily if I don't get my shit together. This is what happened last time. I just ate whatever random thing all day long to avoid whatever feeling I didn't want to feel. I LEARNED that. So why am I going right back to that bad habit?

Also my jeans are tight. I am in the RED ZONE.

I even worked out for an hour today! Why would I sabotage myself like this? It's like I am actively working against my goal right now. Which is horrible because before, when I didn't think about losing or gaining or anything, I just stayed the same weight. So why all of a sudden, when I make up my mind to lose weight, am I fighting against myself? Ugh, I feel so horrible.

I was my old healthy self yesterday

Yesterday was day 1. Well, more like day 1 again. And I was back to the old good me, ate well and worked out for an hour. And today when I stepped on the scale, I was down 2 lbs down. Maybe it was water, but I'll take it.

This morning I worked out on the elliptical again for an hour and had a healthy breakfast. Maybe not the healthiest - 2 eggs, a piece of toast, home fries. Maybe I should get back to my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't been buying a ton of fruit and veggies tho since they are so expensive.

I was reading thru old posts that I had written and it was good to see how strict I was before and how motivated I was. It lets me know I did it once, and can do it again. I've lost 75lbs, that's a lot. And now all I need to lose is 25 more. I just need to push thru and do it.

Week 1, Not so good

I somehow gained 3.3 lbs. Ok, let's be honest. I know exactly how it happened. Losing weight is not rocket science. Day one was good, day two was ok I think. But then I didn't work out for the rest of the week and I just ate whatever. Ice cream, Taco Bell, chips, more chips, mac n cheese, I could go on. Bad.

So today was day one again and so far so good. I had some yogurt for breakfast, chicken and zucchini and squash for lunch and a chicken salad just now when I was hungry.

I just have to stay focused and think about how I need to lose this weight. I am finding that I just stop thinking about it sometimes. Like I see a cookie, and I completely forget that I am supposed to be watching my weight and not having cookies. Selective amnesia. And then I have the cookie and think, oh well I'll be healthy tomorrow. That's the kind of "tomorrow" thinking that ends up with me gaining 3 lbs in a week.

I've gained about 10 lbs since October. I blamed my attitude of not really caring about it anymore on just being busy and having a new boyfriend, but I can't use that as an excuse. Especially since more than 5 lbs was gained just in the last couple months. And with me, weight gain is typically always about something else. I think I am just unsure of my life, I'm not working anymore, I don't know what to do with myself half the time, sometimes I wonder if I am where I'm supposed to be. But whatever, there are other ways to deal with all that.

I need to lose this weight. I cannot just keep letting it creep up. I don't want to ever go back to how I was before. I gotta do it. Thanks everyone for your support, by the way. I appreciate them all!

Ok, back to it.

Today is day one of being back on my eating healthy plan and this time I am for sure going to do it. I don't know what made me stray away from eating healthy and working out - well, I am going to blame it on a new (fun!) relationship, and a busy schedule. But no excuses. I am either going to lose the weight I set out to lose and still need to, or I am not. And I have decided that I am. I need to. I don't like the way I look or feel. And I do need to lose 20-30lbs now to stop being self-conscious.

So today was a good day. I had yogurt, fruit, deli turkey, pork chops, zucchini - good, healthy foods. And right now, I would love some wine or chips or something but I am chewing gum.

It's not easy, especially now that I live with my boyfriend and another guy, and we all like to eat snacks and have some drinks. Maybe the hardest thing is going to be cutting out the wine at night and then the late night snacking that comes along with it. Or when we go out for drinks and half-price appetizers... it's not going to be easy. But it doesn't have to be, right? I just have to do it.

There's that quote that says it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I have to remember that. And just do it.

What happened?

I used to be so with it! I used to eat totally healthy and work out every day. And when I say every day, I mean every. day.

What happened?

I guess life happened. When I got busy, with work, with friends, a boyfriend.

But enough about that. I'm tired of hearing about it already.

Here's where I'm at. About 175. The other day the scale said 178. UGH. (If I see the number 180, I'm going to go apeshit.) Eating unhealthy, not thinking about it. Altho, not overeating or anything crazy. Drinking regularly. Not working out. Uncomfortable with my body.

I think for awhile, I felt really good about my body because it drastically looked better than when I started out, which was very big. But that was probably just relative to how I used to feel. Now I've been at the same weight for awhile and I am starting to feel how it should feel at 175lbs and 5'5.. not horrible, but still overweight and need to lose weight.

So it's gotta happen. I need to get back in gear. Starting up again after being out of it for awhile is so hard tho!