I hate myself

For some reason, the minute I tell myself I need to start eating healthy, I can think of nothing else but eating everything in sight. And it's always when I'm by myself too, which tells you just how sick it is. This morning, I ate handfuls of some chocolate cereal and then 2 pop tarts, and then had a healthy lunch with my boyfriend, and then when he left to get some work done, I sat around and ate chips, and then made cupcakes (for my boyfriend and roommate.. yeah, who's buying that one?). I must have ate at least 2 cupcakes in batter alone and then made frosting and ate enough of that too. And then randomly, I ate some deli meat.

What. The. Hell. What is wrong with me??

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. Today almost felt like binging which is scaring me. I will gain all my weight back so easily if I don't get my shit together. This is what happened last time. I just ate whatever random thing all day long to avoid whatever feeling I didn't want to feel. I LEARNED that. So why am I going right back to that bad habit?

Also my jeans are tight. I am in the RED ZONE.

I even worked out for an hour today! Why would I sabotage myself like this? It's like I am actively working against my goal right now. Which is horrible because before, when I didn't think about losing or gaining or anything, I just stayed the same weight. So why all of a sudden, when I make up my mind to lose weight, am I fighting against myself? Ugh, I feel so horrible.

I was my old healthy self yesterday

Yesterday was day 1. Well, more like day 1 again. And I was back to the old good me, ate well and worked out for an hour. And today when I stepped on the scale, I was down 2 lbs down. Maybe it was water, but I'll take it.

This morning I worked out on the elliptical again for an hour and had a healthy breakfast. Maybe not the healthiest - 2 eggs, a piece of toast, home fries. Maybe I should get back to my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't been buying a ton of fruit and veggies tho since they are so expensive.

I was reading thru old posts that I had written and it was good to see how strict I was before and how motivated I was. It lets me know I did it once, and can do it again. I've lost 75lbs, that's a lot. And now all I need to lose is 25 more. I just need to push thru and do it.

Week 1, Not so good

I somehow gained 3.3 lbs. Ok, let's be honest. I know exactly how it happened. Losing weight is not rocket science. Day one was good, day two was ok I think. But then I didn't work out for the rest of the week and I just ate whatever. Ice cream, Taco Bell, chips, more chips, mac n cheese, I could go on. Bad.

So today was day one again and so far so good. I had some yogurt for breakfast, chicken and zucchini and squash for lunch and a chicken salad just now when I was hungry.

I just have to stay focused and think about how I need to lose this weight. I am finding that I just stop thinking about it sometimes. Like I see a cookie, and I completely forget that I am supposed to be watching my weight and not having cookies. Selective amnesia. And then I have the cookie and think, oh well I'll be healthy tomorrow. That's the kind of "tomorrow" thinking that ends up with me gaining 3 lbs in a week.

I've gained about 10 lbs since October. I blamed my attitude of not really caring about it anymore on just being busy and having a new boyfriend, but I can't use that as an excuse. Especially since more than 5 lbs was gained just in the last couple months. And with me, weight gain is typically always about something else. I think I am just unsure of my life, I'm not working anymore, I don't know what to do with myself half the time, sometimes I wonder if I am where I'm supposed to be. But whatever, there are other ways to deal with all that.

I need to lose this weight. I cannot just keep letting it creep up. I don't want to ever go back to how I was before. I gotta do it. Thanks everyone for your support, by the way. I appreciate them all!

Ok, back to it.

Today is day one of being back on my eating healthy plan and this time I am for sure going to do it. I don't know what made me stray away from eating healthy and working out - well, I am going to blame it on a new (fun!) relationship, and a busy schedule. But no excuses. I am either going to lose the weight I set out to lose and still need to, or I am not. And I have decided that I am. I need to. I don't like the way I look or feel. And I do need to lose 20-30lbs now to stop being self-conscious.

So today was a good day. I had yogurt, fruit, deli turkey, pork chops, zucchini - good, healthy foods. And right now, I would love some wine or chips or something but I am chewing gum.

It's not easy, especially now that I live with my boyfriend and another guy, and we all like to eat snacks and have some drinks. Maybe the hardest thing is going to be cutting out the wine at night and then the late night snacking that comes along with it. Or when we go out for drinks and half-price appetizers... it's not going to be easy. But it doesn't have to be, right? I just have to do it.

There's that quote that says it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I have to remember that. And just do it.

What happened?

I used to be so with it! I used to eat totally healthy and work out every day. And when I say every day, I mean every. day.

What happened?

I guess life happened. When I got busy, with work, with friends, a boyfriend.

But enough about that. I'm tired of hearing about it already.

Here's where I'm at. About 175. The other day the scale said 178. UGH. (If I see the number 180, I'm going to go apeshit.) Eating unhealthy, not thinking about it. Altho, not overeating or anything crazy. Drinking regularly. Not working out. Uncomfortable with my body.

I think for awhile, I felt really good about my body because it drastically looked better than when I started out, which was very big. But that was probably just relative to how I used to feel. Now I've been at the same weight for awhile and I am starting to feel how it should feel at 175lbs and 5'5.. not horrible, but still overweight and need to lose weight.

So it's gotta happen. I need to get back in gear. Starting up again after being out of it for awhile is so hard tho!

Sup Strangers!

Hi everyone! First of all, I just want to say HI and I miss you all! I haven't blogged in so long. Life has been really busy. There have been a few of you (very few) that emailed me to see what's up, and I appreciate that SOOO much.

A little update -

I am working a full time job with an hour-long commute, so my free time has been cut way down. The job is something that will look good on my resume, but that is sucking the life and spirit out of me. I hate it and am looking for something closer to home. However, I live in a small town, so there are not many marketing jobs around here. Maybe I can get into a different line of work, but who knows what that would be. Any ideas?

In brighter news, I am dating someone pretty great and am now living with him. We've been together a little over 4 months, so we've moved a little fast, but it's going good. Most of my free time is spent with him.

As far as weight loss goes, I made a New Years resolution to lose weight and then just forgot about it. I just need to get my mind in the game like it was before. Right now, I am wrapped up in this job and trying to find another one, having fun when I'm not at work and just not making it a priority. I haven't gained any weight tho. I am sitting around 170 and have been for months.

But. Let's get to confession time. I don't work out. I don't eat that often (like overeating), but I do eat foods that are pretty bad nutritiously. I go out to eat a lot on my lunch break because I have friends at work and that's like the highlight of the workday, and most of the time it is very bad (yet really good, ha) foods. Mexican is my fave.

I have become aware in the last couple weeks that I am looking to food and alcohol for comfort lately. I find myself thinking about food more (like how it used to be when I was fat), and wanting bad foods just to make myself feel better. And I drink almost every night. Actually now that I'm talking about it, it's a wonder I haven't gained weight. I guess it's the busy thing that saves me.

I need to get with the program tho. I need to get back on track with my goal. I am comfortable at the weight I am, but I want to be more than just comfortable. I want to feel like I look great. Plus it would be good to focus on something healthy and productive and to be working towards something again.

Ahh life. Ok so there is my long-winded update! I will try to post more, and can't wait to read and catch up with all of you! I look forward to connecting with all of you again!

Bad Blogger Award goes to... Me

I have been so bad about blogging lately. I just haven't made it a priority. But I miss it and do want to!

I am still focused on my weight loss (altho not as hardcore as of late). I weigh 166, which is a loss so I'm not that worried about it.

Also I think about food differently lately. I don't make it a highlight of my day or anything and I don't use it to numb out feelings like I used to. Maybe I go thru phases with that but maybe I've just moved on from doing it altogether. Let's hope it's the latter.

But I am sorry for being so MIA. I do owe you an explanation... I think the main thing (and most exciting!) is that I am dating someone new and it's going really well!! We've been dating maybe a month and hang out all the time. He's so sweet and fun and I think this is the real deal. So maybe that has made me shift my focus to him and just going out and having fun and missing some workouts. But I'll take it!

In other news, I got a new job that I start on Monday! It is a real big girl job that actually utilizes my degree! I'll be working regular office hours, and unfortunately commuting an hour to get there, but I am happy about it. That will also alter my routine and maybe help me eat healthier and at regular times.

WI and yes, I'm still alive....

I am still here. I am still weighing myself every day and staying somewhat on track.

I weight 168.7, which is less than last week, but not by much. Oh well, it's not bad for not working out and not really watching my eating too well. I haven't been too unhealthy, I just haven't been focusing on it as strictly as before.

I don't ever overeat tho, which is something I used to have a problem with. (Maybe still do, but not at the moment.. I used to say I was either actively losing weight or actively gaining it... which is a bad mentality I am not letting myself fall into.) I also make better choices than I previously would have, since it is pretty much habit at this point.

A lot has been going on. We've had family in town, and are going out of town this weekend for a funeral. Things have been better... I have also been working a lot and going out after work with friends for drinks and what not. Hence the absence from blogging...

After this weekend, I will be back and things will slow down and get back to normal, so I will start working out again and go back to strictly watching what I eat.

Hopefully I haven't lost my faithful followers with my being a little MIA recently! I'll get back to regular updating next week!

WI and other updates

This week I lost 0.9 lbs. Weight loss hasn't been the first thing on my mind, but neither has food, which is good. I eat when I feel hungry and eat healthy. I honestly just haven't been thinking about it. Maybe that's progress in itself. I have been drinking alcohol more lately tho, so those are some empty calories that I need to cut out. I also didn't work out once.

I have been busy with work, making new friends and going out with people from work (yay!), other job interviews and dealing with some personal stuff. Major ups and downs lately.


I can't believe I haven't blogged all week! I hope I haven't lost all my awesome readers. I have also noticed a lot of people are blogging less lately too. But I'm still here and still workin on losing weight.

Weigh In

Eh, this week I stayed the same. The scale went up and down throughout the week, but this morning, it was 170.2, which is the exact same as last week.

I didn't work out as much; only 4/7 days, and I just ate ok, some days better than others.

I'm happy I didn't gain, but next week needs some more effort on the weight loss front. I'm so close to being out of the 170's, I need to push past it!

Let's say next week- 2 lb loss.