I don't know what is going on with me, but I am feeling sooo emotional lately. It's almost like I am PMSing when I'm not. My mood will go up and down, and lately it is more down than up. I cry almost every day. I get so mad about the stupidest things. I feel so shitty.
Part of it is just feeling so down on myself lately. I hate the way I look. Which is kind of weird because I've been at this weight for awhile, about 4-6 months, and the hating myself thing just came on suddenly.
If I'm being honest, I guess I do know where it stems from.. other than the fact that I just obviously need to lose weight. My boyfriend's sister and I were talking about weight - she lost a whole bunch after having a baby, and I gained a bunch after having a plate of french fries - and I told her that I needed to buy some clothes for a trip we were talking. This was nonchalant girl talk, from what I understood. Well that vacation came and went. I did buy some new tops and summer clothes, but I still fit into all my pants, thankyouverymuch.Anyway, once we got back from vacation, she brings me her old fat clothes. And they were UGLY. 1st, I still fit into my clothes. 2nd, I can afford new clothes if I want. 3rd, As a 27 yr old, I do not need to be wearing lime green jeans with little swordfish all over them. 4th, WHO brings someone else their FAT CLOTHES! And she didn't even GIVE them to me, she LOANED them to me, until she gains weight or I lose weight, whichever comes first apparently. I looked thru them and politely gave them back, saying I still fit into my clothes and didn't really think I'd wear them. Also, I'm not a storage unit (didn't say that one tho..)
Maybe that sounds petty, but for some reason, it just did a number on me. Like she could tell that I gained weight. And I did gain about 12lbs, so that's fine. But to bring me clothes makes me feel like I am disgusting and pouring out of my clothes and can't afford to go buy the new fat pants I apparently need.
My bf was great about it, he said his sister was crazy and didn't realize what she was doing, and I do know she meant well. But around that time, *TMI* I tried to initiate sex and he was "tired." And it seems like I want to more than he does, and he'd be happy with just once a week. Which sends me down another spiral of thinking that he's not attracted to me, and why would he be when I look like this? I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.
So I'm trying to eat healthy and he knows this. I am constantly saying I can't have this or that when he offers me stuff. But we still go get a movie and he wants to get dessert stuff. Or he'll make cookies and go on about the cookie dough, which I love too. Or I mention we could get frozen yogurt, because at least that's a splurge I can maybe not feel so guilty about, but he just wants to have ice cream at home, which I can't have. It's not his fault.
But I get angry about little shit like that anyway, and I don't know why. Or how to stop it. It's not just the diet tho, I'm just really irritable. I'll get so mad and then sad and just cry.
I sound like a joy, don't I?! :)