Monday, August 6, 2012

Emotional and angry

I don't know what is going on with me, but I am feeling sooo emotional lately. It's almost like I am PMSing when I'm not. My mood will go up and down, and lately it is more down than up. I cry almost every day. I get so mad about the stupidest things. I feel so shitty.

Part of it is just feeling so down on myself lately. I hate the way I look. Which is kind of weird because I've been at this weight for awhile, about 4-6 months, and the hating myself thing just came on suddenly.

If I'm being honest, I guess I do know where it stems from.. other than the fact that I just obviously need to lose weight. My boyfriend's sister and I were talking about weight - she lost a whole bunch after having a baby, and I gained a bunch after having a plate of french fries - and I told her that I needed to buy some clothes for a trip we were talking. This was nonchalant girl talk, from what I understood. Well that vacation came and went. I did buy some new tops and summer clothes, but I still fit into all my pants, thankyouverymuch.Anyway, once we got back from vacation, she brings me her old fat clothes. And they were UGLY. 1st, I still fit into my clothes. 2nd, I can afford new clothes if I want. 3rd, As a 27 yr old, I do not need to be wearing lime green jeans with little swordfish all over them. 4th, WHO brings someone else their FAT CLOTHES! And she didn't even GIVE them to me, she LOANED them to me, until she gains weight or I lose weight, whichever comes first apparently. I looked thru them and politely gave them back, saying I still fit into my clothes and didn't really think I'd wear them. Also, I'm not a storage unit (didn't say that one tho..)

Maybe that sounds petty, but for some reason, it just did a number on me. Like she could tell that I gained weight. And I did gain about 12lbs, so that's fine. But to bring me clothes makes me feel like I am disgusting and pouring out of my clothes and can't afford to go buy the new fat pants I apparently need.

My bf was great about it, he said his sister was crazy and didn't realize what she was doing, and I do know she meant well. But around that time, *TMI* I tried to initiate sex and he was "tired." And it seems like I want to more than he does, and he'd be happy with just once a week. Which sends me down another spiral of thinking that he's not attracted to me, and why would he be when I look like this? I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.

So I'm trying to eat healthy and he knows this. I am constantly saying I can't have this or that when he offers me stuff. But we still go get a movie and he wants to get dessert stuff. Or he'll make cookies and go on about the cookie dough, which I love too. Or I mention we could get frozen yogurt, because at least that's a splurge I can maybe not feel so guilty about, but he just wants to have ice cream at home, which I can't have. It's not his fault.

But I get angry about little shit like that anyway, and I don't know why. Or how to stop it. It's not just the diet tho, I'm just really irritable. I'll get so mad and then sad and just cry.

I sound like a joy, don't I?! :)

4 comments:

Michelle said...

I totally understand on every count. It's hard trying to lose weight in a relationship sometimes. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was mostly supportive. Cheered me on, when we went shopping he would say "can we have that?" and then other times, he would just bring home a giant pizza and not even ask me. He didn't seem to get that I could have some things if I PLANNED for them. Maybe had a big salad to go with it.

And the sister with the clothes?? Seriously -- don't give me your fat clothes unless I beg you for them!!

Hopefully the emotions pass quickly. I have those times too.

Diandra said...

Well, sometimes we are just less than stellar pink poniues with butterfly wings. I think everybody can relate.

1. I have done that, too. Sorted through clothes I shrank out of and asked friends whether they wanted some or not. But that was with FRIENDS, and I totally inderstood if they did not want my weird hippie fashion. IT never meant I thought they were too poor to buy their stuff or that I thought they were fat - only that I did not want to let my stuff go to waste after wearing it for not too long, and that I thought they might want to use their money on something else.

2. Changing your diet changes your hormones as well. Are you drinking enough? Getting enough minerals etc.? How about the smoothies you used to drink? (When I switched to mostly vegan three weeks back, my skin broke out in a bloom I hadn't seen since earliest teenage years. Luckily, most of it is gone by now. Not switching back anytime soon, I looked hilarious.)

3. Don't concentrate on what you cannot have. Take charge - create the food you can have and love. Healthified cookie dough (or chocolate-covered Katie's cookie dough dip, which I am basically living on at the moment) is possible and delicious, as are other healthified treats. And do talk to your guy about his food choices. He possibly wants to do you good (don't most of us show our love through food?), but ask him to get you flowers instead of chocolates. Or hunt for reasonable snacks and treats together.

4. Weird enough, I don't know a single relationship where the guy wants more sex than the woman. Isn't it supposed to be the other way round? Or is this only because these days women expect to have fun as well? (Maybe it feels more like work to them? *g*) You could go and explain to your guy that, among other things, you want to lose weight to be more attractive for him, and see how he reacts.

Kimmi said...

I completely sympathize with you. I have been feeling the same way lately!

The whole fat clothes thing would have sent me over the edge...sounds like you handled it like a champ though...I would probably would not have been very nice.

The boyfriend thing is just the way some guys are. My husband does the same thing. He means well but guys just don't focus on these things the same way that we do. They never dwell on these food choices with the same intensity that we do, they just think "Oh hey that sounds really good, and I know she loves it!" They rarely go beyond that initial thought.

Keep going though, I hope that the rest of the week goes better for you!

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