February - 10.6 lbs lost

I was definitely on my game this month. Last month, I made a goal to lose 10 lbs in February, and as of this morning, I have lost 10.6 lbs in the last month. Yay, I did it!

As far as goals, I feel like it's kind of hard to set weight loss goals because personally, I don't really know what my body is capable of losing. I know I can eat right and exercise, but don't know exactly what influences what the scale will say at the end of the week.

But I can control what I do, so here's what I've done this month...

• I blogged about how much I hated drinking water, and ended up getting a ton of very helpful responses that persuaded me to drink more water. Now I know how important it is, so I drink about 100 oz. a day.

• I worked out 26 out of the 28 days. I typically did 60 minutes on the elliptical and/or a workout DVD. Working out is a habit now. I feel like I have to do it, especially if I don't have a reason not to. I do believe in taking days off, so I will probably drop it to 6 days a week soon.

• I tracked the points of everything I ate, writing it all down, and staying within my daily points. I didn't use many weekly points at all. I have been eating healthy foods and hardly anything processed.

• I blogged pretty much every day and have gained support, encouragement and advice from so many amazing people! Thank you, thank you!

Attitude of Gratitude: I met a goal I set for myself and it feels awesome!

Surprising Sunday Weigh Day

All week I was worried that I wasn't losing, especially the other day when I thought I gained. But then today, I get on the scale and it says 203.3 lbs. So I lost 2.4 this week. I'm very happy with that. It means I lost 10.1 lbs so far this month and have made my goal of losing 10 in February! Check!

Last night, I went out to dinner with the family and ordered salmon, steamed vegetables, and a baked potato (that I only picked at). I also had a salad with Italian dressing and one piece of bread. I didn't feel deprived at all and felt good keeping it healthy. I kind of wanted to order the fillet mignon that my mom got (which I had a bite of, and was so good), but the salmon was good too. Also, I didn't drink at all even tho everyone else did.

Today, my sister wanted to go to the Mexican restaurant, but I said I didn't want to. I said I just didn't want to not be able to have chips and feel guilty for whatever I ate, but that they should go anyway. My dad ended up having some leftovers from the fridge and said he wasn't hungry and didn't want to go, so they didn't. I have a feeling if I hadn't said I didn't want to go, we would have, so I kind of felt bad, but hey, I only control myself.

For this next week, my goal is to lose 3.4 lbs to put my weight at 199.9. I'm almost down 50 lbs! I plan on eating extremely healthy and working out every day.

Attitude of Gratitude: I have self-control! I can make good food decisions even when tempted. Why? Because my goal is more important than any piece of food.

Day 1 of Wkend Challenge- Check.

Day 1 of my weekend challenge was completed successfully. I resisted temptation to eat or drink anything bad. I counted all my points and stayed under my daily 33. Before dinner, we had grilled shrimp appetizers, which are very low cal. I also didn't drink anything even when my family did (maybe too much). A serving of alcohol on Weight Watchers is 4 pts, so I just don't even like to get started. Plus, after I have two drinks, I'm more likely to say screw it and keep drinking, and then I will also eat more. So for me, it's just a bad idea. And then for dinner, everyone had steak, but I opted for chicken, which was really good. We also had asparagus. I am proud of myself for staying mindful.

Today, I worked out in the morning and made a smoothie, instead of what my family had, which was a ham/ egg/ cheese/ bread casserole and bacon that smelled so good. I also made my own lunch of turkey and cheese on a tortilla. My sister made loaded baked potatoes, with like half a bag of shredded cheese and bacon bits. I so would have rather had that. Maybe I'll make a healthy version later this week.

Tomorrow, my sister really wants to go to a Mexican restaurant, so I don't know. Maybe I won't go, or just go and be tortured because I can't have the chips and guacamole or any good meal. We'll see.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day, and I doubt I'll lose even 2 lbs (since as of today, I've only lost 1.2), which would suck since I've been working so hard... but I'm prepared. Stupid ass scale.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that I have come a long way and am dedicated now. Also grateful that my family knows I'm being healthy so they try to have healthier dinners/ appetizers.

A challenging weekend ahead

I think mentally preparing for what you know is coming up will help you make a gameplan for the situation. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

This weekend is going to be a bit of a challenge. My parents are home and my sister will be here and I tend to eat more when she's around. She's super skinny and can eat whatever she wants... why I didn't get those genes is beyond me! When she comes home, there's this "home from college" vibe, even tho she isn't that far away, so we tend to eat more "special" foods, like higher calories dinners, like steak and potatoes, appetizers during happy hour (which I will not partake in) and fatty snacks.

Even tonight, it was just my parents and I, and we ended up eating at 9 and got to talking and started clearing up the table around 11. That's largely due to happy hour. Once the drinking starts, dinner gets pushed back. We started cooking/ drinking around 6ish and that's just the way it goes. I think I'll have to compensate for that by having a veggie snack during happy hour so I'm not starving by the time we eat. I have to admit I do miss having drinks with everyone. Water just doesn't have the same effect. So, it's challenging. Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out and talking and visiting with my family, but it does put a strain on my diet because I get hungry and am tempted to eat/ drink the wrong things.

But whatever. I'm in charge of me and no one else, so I will stay focused on myself and my 199 goal.  I WILL NOT go off my plan. All I'm saying is that it's going to be a challenge. Like I've written before, it's easy when it's easy. When it's not easy, that's when you have to prove yourself.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful to have such a great family.

Going to relax a bit (a little bit)

Thanks for all your feedback on my last post with my little scale freakout. Damn thing still didn't budge today. But here's the thing...

Obviously, I want to lose the 5.8 lbs in the next two weeks. I want to be below 200 on my birthday. It'll just make me happy and feel very accomplished to hit a great milestone by the time I'm another year older. I want it really bad!

Ok... but...if I don't meet my goal, I will be ok. I will still feel accomplished and happy with how far I've come. Will I really look any different at 202 than I will at 199? No.

I'm still happy with this goal and am going work towards it. Dawn from A New Dawn for Me wrote about the importance of goals yesterday, and quoted a great article, which I love. It said, "if you measure your progress against clear, attainable goals, each defined by a period of time, you will find that your determination to succeed increases tenfold."

No matter what the scale says, I'm still going to stay on plan - eating within my points, no drinking and working out every day. Today I did the Biggest Loser DVD again and 45 minutes on the elliptical, and am so sore! But I guess that's a good thing. Just gunna keep pluggin' away!

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm very grateful that I have lost noticeable weight. I hadn't seen my mom in two months, and when she first saw me, she was like, "Oh my gosh! Wow, you look amazing!" That felt good!

Dear Scale... Move. Down. Now.

Oh those kids with their instant gratification... yeah, yeah. Well, that's me baby. [This is more of a venting thing than a 100% serious thing because I know how this is going to sound.]

Anyway, I weigh myself every day and am only down 0.5 since Sunday. I know that is something, but I want to see it moving down lower, faster because I have a 3 lb goal for this week (and the same goal next week). Sunday, Monday and today, I have done the Biggest Loser bootcamp for 25 minutes (I am sooo sore!) and 60 minutes on the elliptical at a level 4, keeping a good pace. And I've been eating very well, at about 30 of my daily 33 pts. All this should add up to more than .5 lbs, right? I'm being so stupid, aren't I? I know... just writing this, I feel kind of greedy, but I'm just venting. I want to see results pronto! I know I shouldn't weigh myself everyday, but whatever :)

Do you think doing the BL bootcamp with weights and lots of strength training might be making me gain muscle which could make me not lose that much? This crossed my mind, but then how do the contestants of the real Biggest Loser lose all that weight? Well, we will see on Sunday I guess.

My parents are coming home today and I am marinating chicken to grill (a healthy curry marinade) and have asparagus to roast in the oven. My dad will probably want rice or potatoes, but I doubt I'll have any. Gunna stay on plan!

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful (even tho it may not seem like it) to have at least lost 0.5 and am working hard to lose the rest so I meet my goal. This goal is huge motivation... why didn't I think of it sooner?

Team Bob!

I am going to work as hard as I can to lose 5.8 lbs in the next two weeks (my goal is 199.9- lol I could round up to losing 6 lbs, but let's not get carried away here). I want to be out of the 200's by my birthday, which I don't know if I can do. I know it's just a number and doesn't define me (yada yada), but I am going to try to do it. It'd be nice to see if I can do it and work towards a big goal.

So to do this, I will eat right and do a workout DVD plus an hour on the elliptical every day, maybe taking 1-2 days off if I need to. The elliptical can be boring, but I always make new playlists to listen to. Plus I like to daydream while I'm on there... because in all my daydreams, I'm skinny :)

Yesterday and today I did The Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD with Bob. It was HARD, but I liked it. It felt very Biggest Loser-like, like what they actually do on the show. I was sweating so much! I like Bob better than Jillian. He's encouraging in a nice, motivational way and I feel like I am working hard, but not dying, which is nice.

I think this new goal is going to be good. It'll push me to work really hard the next two weeks and say no to any temptations and to make sure I workout hard. My parents were held up because of the weather but are probably coming back tomorrow. I haven't told them I've started a blog. Do the people in your life know about your weight loss blog? I haven't told anyone how much I weigh since I was oh... say, 12 yrs old.

Breakfast was Southwestern Egg Beaters (1pt) with a Laughing Cow swiss cheese wedge (1pt) and 1/2 a sandwich thin (2pts) with butter (2pts).

Lunch was my favorite new thing- a shrimp veggie medley, this one with zucchini and carrots. (1pt)

I also had a jello cup with whipped cream (0pts)

And then in the middle of the day, I had some chocolate Cheerios... too many. I just ate them out of the box by the handful. Ugh! What the hell is wrong with me? It was right after I had a stressful phone call, so I'm sure that's why, but haven't I learned anything about emotional eating? Sometimes it just sneaks up on ya. Well, I'd say I ate about 8 pts, so I counted it and moved on. [Note to self: Not going to meet your goal this way!]

Dinner was a mesquite chicken breast (4pts) on a whole wheat bun (2pts) with some cheese (1pt) and mayo (1pt). This was really good and I ended up using another bun with mayo for the rest of the chicken that didn't fit on the first. Also green beans.

And the usual pudding for dessert. (1pt). Cool Whip Free is my new love :)

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that our house is on the market and people are showing interest, so hopefully it will sell quick and we can move to NC!

Sunday Weigh Day

I lost 2.2 lbs this week, bringing me to 205.7.

I've been doing "good" this week. I've had a lot of fruits and veggies and lean protein. The only indulgence type thing I've had has been pudding with whipped cream for 1 pt (almost every day actually). I don't let myself get hungry, but I have been eating below my daily pts (typically 21-30 out of the 33 I'm "supposed" to eat). And I drink tons of water now, like 100 ounces a day.

I worked out every day this week, doing the elliptical for an hour (sometimes even more), and then also some workout DVDs as well. Some days I also lifted 5 lbs weights while watching TV.

So far I've lost 7.7 lbs in February. My goal was 10 lbs. That means next week, I need to lose 2.3. I think that's doable.

But I have another goal, which is to be 199 by my birthday in 2 weeks. That's 6 lbs in the next two weeks. Do you think this doable? If you check out my weigh in page, you'll see that I've done it before, but what more am I supposed to do to pull a high weight loss number?

Starting today, I am going to take fish oil supplements, which a cool new blogger, The Total Player, recommended. I'll let you know how that works in the coming weeks. I will continue eating about the same, just focusing on healthy foods. And maybe I will up my workouts to a workout DVD and an hour on the elliptical every day. Or maybe even 90 mins on the elliptical. Ugh. Anything else you guys can think of?

I did Pilates today!

I've been wanting to try some new workouts lately, so I raided our DVD shelf here at home and found some cool ones. My mom likes yoga and pilates, so I tried those this week. We also have some Biggest Loser ones and of course Tae Bo. How did I forget about Tae Bo? I used to do Tae Bo awhile ago and really liked it. I'm so going to do those. We also have P90X somewhere but I couldn't find them.

The yoga one was booooring. I guess I'm not zen enough. However... the next day, my ass was so sore! So I guess it worked. I might try it again next time I'm feeling blah about working out.

I did the pilates one today tho, and really liked it! It is kind of low-key like the yoga, but kind of fun. I like the poses you have to hold and the way you use your body as resistance rather than using weights. Altho I have to admit the plank position killed me! The DVD I did was called Pilates Mix and it was an MTV workout. I'll be throwing this one into the rotation. I kinda hope I feel it tomorrow so I know it works.

And after 20 minutes of that, I did an hour on the elliptical. Elliptical... old faithful workout. I'm going to go make some dinner now, which will be veggies, rice and grouper. Tomorrow is my Sunday Weigh Day so I hope I have lost some good poundage!

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful that we have these workout DVDs lying around so I can dust them off and have a good variety of workouts. And my desire to even do so...

It's easy when it's easy...

It's easy to be successful with eating right and working out when your environment is designed to make it easy. It's when there are situations, events, people, and temptations that come up that we are tested and have to fight to stay on track. Having to fight to stay on track makes it a struggle... and that's when the whole thing starts to take its toll. 

Lately I've had it easy. While I live at home, my parents have been away taking care of a sick relative, so I have the house to myself, do my own grocery shopping and cooking and have time every day to work out. It's been nice because my environment is currently built for success and I haven't cheated once. However, my parents are coming back this weekend, so my little security bubble is going to get rocked a little bit.

I'm kind of worried that I will be tempted to eat bad foods or drinks. Happy hour is a daily thing around here sometimes, which is fine, but I know I can't drink much if I want to lose weight so I typically don't even have one. But as the drinking continues, so do the before-dinner snacks, and then dinner gets pushed back later. This is where it gets really hard if my sister comes to visit because its a big social thing where we end up eating after like 9pm. In those situations, I feel left out being the only stone cold sober one, especially while everyone else, mainly my sister, is eating tons of snacks and drinking and having fun, and I'm sipping on water and eating celery.

People can eat/ drink/ do whatever they want, and shouldn't have to change for my sake, but it just changes the environment into not such a cushy, easy one. Also in the coming months we will be moving, which I am super excited about, but also worried about my weight loss during that time as well.

However... I am really dedicated to losing weight and my parents know that so I know they'll help me. Our dinners are always pretty healthy. And I am fully aware that I make my own decisions and if I cheat or fall off the wagon, I have no one to blame but myself. I just need to be hyper-aware of what I eat/ drink and hold on to that damn wagon for dear life so I don't fall off!

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that my parents are coming home because I haven't seen them in awhile and missed them :)

Need to mix up my workouts

I am looking for a new workout to do at home. Right now I do an hour on the elliptical, which is starting to get too routine. I was thinking of trying a good workout DVD. Any suggestions? And before you say it, I have the 30 Day Shred and did it last week and just really don't freakin wanna do it again. (How much did I sound like a defiant kid right there? Lol.. seriously tho, I hate it)

Today's breakfast was a smoothie (1 pt) and half a sandwich thin toasted with peanut butter (5 pts). Lunch was the leftover hamburger skillet thingy from last night (8pts).

Later I made these awesome cinnamon sugar apples. I peeled an apple and cut it into slices, and then mixed together some cinnamon and one packet of Splenda, sprinkled it over the apples and heated it in the microwave. This was a great snack/ dessert, and I'll definitely be making this again. (0pts)

Another snack was these are kale chips. (I was in an experimenting phase today) You just chop up some kale, spray them with Pam (Pam is all I use now, no olive oil) and salt (I used garlic salt) and bake at 350 for 10 minutes. I'm on the fence about these; I like them but am not in love with them. A lot of people like them because they are crunchy and taste kind of like real chips. I'd have them again. (0 pts)

For dinner, I made a cheeseburger with the cheese in middle rather than on top, and veggies. (7 pts)

Dessert was a chocolate VitaTop (3 pts) with whipped cream.

Attitude of Gratitude: I went to the dentist today and this might sound weird, but it was the best dentist appointment I've ever had... and I hate the dentist! The hygienist was really gentle and my teeth are all good!

Puppy love

I have to admit that I'm a little surprised with how good I've been eating. I haven't even been wanting to cheat or eat anything bad. (Please let it last...) Right now I'm mostly just eating healthy, writing everything I eat down and counting points in things, but not worrying about the "WW rules". Today I ate 23 out of my 33 pts. I honestly am not hungry throughout the day. This will be the test week of eating less than my daily pts, so we'll see what the scale says on Sunday.

Same old green smoothie (a cup of spinach, a banana, an orange, and 1/3 cup of vanilla yogurt). This is becoming an everyday thing. I love it. And later some Cheerios...

Lean cuisine for lunch. This one was pretty good.

And later some yummy, fresh pineapple...

And dinner was this recipe, which I cut in half, and only had half of so there's one leftover serving. I wanted to use up some ground beef and figured this would be healthy. It has finely chopped carrots and green bell pepper. I realized that I bought regular sour cream the other day instead of light (so upsetting, I know!) so that upped the cals a little. A little over a cup was 8-9 pts. Then out of curiosity I looked up the pts in a box of hamburger helper, which I always thought was unhealthy, but it had the same number of points... and is less work to cook.... interesting.

And then I tried this banana ice cream I've been meaning to try... ingredients? A banana. That's it. You just peel a banana, break it in half, and freeze it. Then you take it out, soften it a little and blend it in a food processor and out comes banana ice cream. This is awesome!! Try it, trust me.

Well I am off to enjoy the night with my puppy.. and since a few of you asked, here's a lil pic! She's a 7 month old maltipoo.

Attitude of Gratitude: It's warming up, the snow is melting and spring is almost here!

Eating too little?

Lately, I have been eating really well and am wondering if I am doing good or bad... I'm doing WW and I get 33 pts a day. Usually I don't use weekly pts unless I'm going out or its a social thing.  But like today, for example, I ate 22 pts. I know they say its bad to eat too little, but I was never hungry.

Here's what I ate today. What do you think?

I am loving my smoothies lately. This one was a green smoothie (with a cup of spinach, a banana, frozen berries and vanilla yogurt) but it's technically not green. I guess the berries overpowered the spinach. Still 1 pt and still good! I also had a cup of Cinnamon Cheerios (3 pts).

For lunch, I had a turkey rollup with just a tortilla, turkey and cheese for 4 points and some grapes.

Later in the afternoon, I had the same chopped shrimp/ zucchini/ summer squash medley, this time with Adobo seasoning. 1 point and really filling, I love it!

Dinner was a burger and fries... the burger was with 95/5 ground beef (3 pts), a wheat bun (2 pts) and string cheese (2 pts). The fries were from a sweet potato (4 pts). Sweet potatoes are hard to cut! And kinda hard to cook in the oven... I used to deep fry them, but sadly no more.

And then I had low fat, sugar free cheesecake pudding (1 pt) with fat free whipped cream (0 pts). Last time I used full fat cheesecake pudding, so I was happy to see the LF, SF version in the store. This is by far my fave. Great, low cal dessert!

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful to have the time and motivation to really work on my weight loss goals right now, because when life gets busier, these new habits I'm making will be ingrained and hopefully easy to stick to.

I Used to be Fat

(I can't wait to be able to say that...)

But what I'm talking about is the new MTV show. On each episode they take someone who has just  graduated from high school, hook them up with a trainer and dedicate their summer to losing weight. The first episode showed a girl who lose 90  lbs in 90 days (she started at 250).

I DVR them and just watched the one with Jordan... OMG! After he lost the weight, got contacts and cut his hair.. he is hot! I can't believe how different he looked in just 110 days. It's so heart warming!

It really motivates me to keep going and push harder. This show makes me want to work out longer to speed up the process. (Altho they work out 4-6 hours a day, I think)

Lately I have had good intentions of taking pictures of my food, but honestly, I just start digging in way too fast and it isn't until I'm halfway thru that I realize I could have taken a pic but didn't. Oh well. I did remember today :)

For breakfast, I had a green smoothie.

And also a cup of Chocolate Cheerios (4 pts). These are good, but not as good as the Cinnamon.

Lunch was a curry veggie burger that we had in the freezer with string cheese melted on it, on a Healthy Life wheat bun. (6 pts) Honestly it was not good... I won't be having another one of these and now I'm craving a real burger. Thumbs down.

And a little afternoon snack of vanilla pudding with whipped cream and a dash of red sprinkles for V-Day(1 pt). Aw, pretty.

And since the veggie burger was a bust, I made a second lunch... Not really sure what I was doing here... it's chopped up shrimp, zucchini, summer squash cooked with Old Bay seasoning. Yum! And only 1 pt!

Dinner was salmon, rice & asparagus which I baked on high with Pam and sea salt. (15 pts)

And I hardly want to talk about this little disaster dessert, but I will. It's a crumbled Vita Top with vanilla pudding. (4 pts) Doesn't look pretty, but it was good. The first one I thawed in the microwave, I for some reason, put it at 3 minutes (rather than 18 seconds) and walked away. Not so good. Stinky kitchen and burning chocolate.

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful to not be in a relationship with the wrong guy. Therefore, I have no disappointments on Valentine's Day, instead, I have hope for finding the guy who is perfect for me.

Attitude of Gratitude

"The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful you are, the more you get." ~ Oprah

I was inspired by Ayla's blog, Life as a Fat Girl, and have decided to steal her idea and write one thing I am grateful for every day. From now on, when I post something, I am also going to put something I'm grateful for at the bottom.

I also looked into it a little and found some great articles that talk about the power of gratitude and how important it is to be grateful for the things in your life and to consciously think of things you're grateful for every day. And since one of my goals for this year is to be happy and see the positive in things, that's what I'm going to do.

First dose of Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful for my little puppy and the fact that she is finally 100% potty trained. She's so cute and brings lots of joy to my life!

Sunday Weigh Day

This week I lost 2.2 lbs, putting me at 207.9. I'm  happy with that; it's been a long while since I've been a 2-0-something. I can't wait til I'm in the 100's!!

I have to admit tho that I'm wondering why I lost 3.3 last week and then 2.2 this week. I did the same amount of workouts and ate within my points. And I've been drinking water like a fish! I guess sometimes it's just random.

I'm noticing a difference in my body which is so nice. Certain clothes fit way looser. I'm easily wearing a size 16 now and have officially retired my size 18 jeans, altho some size 18 pants still fit. (I basically have jeans in all sizes from 10 to 20... crazy, I know...) And I'm losing back fat! Lol so yay for that!

Just gunna keep pluggin away!

Food Porn?

Ok... so I read about a website called Food Porn Daily on someone else's blog and checked it out.. and I am perplexed. All this site is is a large photo of some type of food, with the name of the food on it. You click the photo and then the next one comes up, and so on. What is the point of this? To torture yourself?

I don't like it. It's like watching Paula Deen and trying not to get pissed because you can't have the amazingly awesome looking fatty foods she is making.

She looks so happy... sigh...

I've never wanted certain foods as much as I do when I'm watching my weight. Everything screams out to me! At the grocery store, those cakes, cookies, pizzas, fried chicken, etc, etc look so good! Every commercial makes me want whatever food they're eating... well, the fast food/ pizza/ candy ones...  not so much the Fiber One/ healthy commercials.

I find I say the words, "Oh, that looks so good..." like a million times more than I would if I weren't on a diet. Is it just because I am very conscious of what I can't have, so it jumps out at me? I'm not alone, am I?

Light & Fluffy

This post is going to be light and fluffy. [Have you guys ever seen Gabriel Iglesias' standup comedy routine? He's pretty funny.. He is also pretty hefty, and says he's not fat, he's fluffy. Lol] Anyways...

I get Hungry Girl email newsletters (she sends really good recipes, food "swaps", etc) and today was a good one - an Official Hungry Girl Supermarket List! I buy a lot of these and there are some really good product ideas.

Well, I haven't been taking pics of my food recently (altho I always write everything down and track all my points), but today I did a little photo taking...

For breakfast, I made a green smoothie that Alissa from A Journey to Thin always makes and it was awesome! It has a banana, an orange, a cup of spinach and 1/2 cup of yogurt for 1 pt. That's all I had and maybe it wasn't enough of a breakfast tho because later as I was working out after, I got really hungry.

So after my workout I had a string cheese. This one is Sargento and really good (2 pts). I have tried the Weight Watchers kind but don't really like those as much (even tho they are only 1 pt).

For lunch, I had a taco from leftover taco meat (and cheese, light sour cream & salsa) which I hardened to make crunchy, just using Pam for no added calories. I almost made a 2nd one, but talked myself out of it. (6 pts) Yum!

For a snack later, I had this amazing cheesecake pudding (3 pts, so good) with fat free whipped cream (0 pts). Cheesecake pudding! Genius!

Another snack was a cup of Cinnamon Cheerios, which are very good for 3 pts.

Dinner was a one person casserole type thing I made with a chicken breast, a cup of rice, frozen beans, a little cream of chicken, some spices and cheese on top (10 pts).

Do you guys use food scales? My parents have an ancient wobbly one, but I've been thinking of buying a good one. Lately I measure everything out. A little anal, but I gotta do it until I get used to what good portions are.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

The problem? Emotional Eating

I think we've all heard this before. Oprah kinda led the way in talking about it. People eat when they're not hungry because they are trying not to deal with whatever feelings they are having at that moment. I always knew I was an emotional eater. But I kept doing it. I knew I should be asking myself if I was hungry before I ate a whole bag of chips, but I just didn't care enough or I wasn't aware of what I was doing enough. But for some reason, this book really got thru to me. (Not to insinuate that I am magically "cured" or anything, but there has been a definitive change and I really don't turn to food when I'm feeling bad anymore.)

The book is Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth, which talks about emotional eating in a way that has made me really realize why I overeat. It explains just how much compulsive eating is a way to self-medicate and numb bad feelings. Food can be just as much of a drug as alcohol or cocaine.

I first heard about this book on Oprah, and she was going on about how it changed her life. I kinda thought, yeah, yeah, how life changing could it be? But it got to me too!

Since I have really gotten something out of it, I am going to share my favorite quotes from the book with you in hopes that you might get something out of it too.

• Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can't name.
• Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence (of love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, feeling, situation.
• Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. It's giving up without saying so.
• Staying where you are with what you are feeling or seeing or sensing is the first step in ending the obsession with food.
• If you don't allow a feeling to begin, you also don't allow it to end.
• The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility.
• Change happens when you understand what you want so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest.
• When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart.

The book does more than a few quotes can, so I highly recommend it to anyone who feels like they are an emotional eater.

Getting real

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again - thank you all for following my lil blog here and for your wonderful comments. I appreciate all the support so much!

This post is about getting real... for my sake, but also to give you a little background info.

Let's start off with the basic question - how did I get to weigh 250 pounds?

Well, I've struggled with my weight all my life. I gain weight very easily. I like food. I don't like exercise. That oughta do it, right? Not quite. Obviously it's more than that.

I got to 250 lbs because my life was out of control. I was unhappy with my life, my relationship, my career, everything... and at the same time, I was trying to convince myself I wasn't. I was depressed, but I couldn't see it. Instead, I ate it.

I graduated from college and couldn't hold down a job. You know, economy, blah, blah, blah. I didn't have any friends in the area since I moved to be with my now exboyfriend. We had issues, but worked thru them, usually with me just letting it go. He worked nights and weekends, long shifts and overtime, so I was alone most of the time. I should have gone out and gotten a job and made friends, but I just didn't. I kept holding out for the job that didn't come and worked from home. I felt defeated, frustrated, lonely, but kept trying to convince myself I was happy and everything was ok. I tried not to let anything really hit me.

And every day it seemed like I was constantly thinking about what I was going to eat. Eating was the highlight of my day, every day. I would get fast food, I would go get donuts just for myself, candy bars every time I was at the grocery store or gas station, I would raid the pantry eating every random thing in there. I would order a large pizza, eat the whole thing throughout the day and throw away the box before my boyfriend came home. I would constantly eat until I was stuffed. And I watched a lot of TV.

I knew I was gaining weight because even my sweatpants were getting tight. I had to go buy size 20 jeans. My face changed and I basically lost my jawline. Bending down to paint my toe nails was uncomfortable. I got winded going up the stairs. Going out to dinner or anywhere where I had to dress nice was a huge challenge because I could never find something I was comfortable wearing. The sex life suffered because my naked body repulsed me so I figured it would repulse anyone else. To be fair, the now ex never said anything about it and we broke up for other reasons. I was so insecure tho. I stopped wanting to be in any pictures, and didn't post new pictures on Facebook because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself and didn't want all my friends knowing.

And then the breakup happened. We had been together for like, a third of our lives, we lived together, and planned on being together forever. It was horrible. I moved back in with my parents, several hours away. I was so devastated. I didn't want to get out of bed, I always wanted to be alone, I was a sad mess. But something strangely interesting happened. Instead of wanting to eat and eat and eat, I couldn't. I had no desire to eat. I cried all the time. I felt so bad, my feelings were right at the surface and I just couldn't eat. I lost 8 lbs in that first week. And I kept thinking about how I thought I was an emotional eater, but now, when my emotions were sky high, I didn't want to? What gives?

Ironically, even before the breakup, I was in the process of reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth which talks about how compulsive/ emotional eaters use food as a drug to numb down our feelings. After a couple months, I went back to the book and have since read it twice. Now I can see just how much I used food to get rid of uncomfortable feelings. And right after the breakup, when I was feeling my feelings so intensely, I didn't think about eating because at that time, no amount of food could have distracted me from what was going on. It was a real eye opener. I also realized that feelings are meant to be felt, and quite honestly, if I can go thru those feelings and feel worse than I ever have before, every other feeling just pales in comparison. No feeling will kill you. And as Geneen Roth says, "If you don't let a feeling begin, you also don't let it end." Plus, eating can only distract you/ numb you from the feeling for so long. It doesn't solve anything. And obviously gaining a ton of weight just makes everything worse.

It's been about 6 months and I am doing much better. I know the relationship wasn't right and that I want to find someone better for me. I am also working to get myself back after losing myself so much in the last couple years. I have lost 40 lbs and am going to lose the other 60 this year. And even tho I still wish I could eat whatever I wanted and be skinny, and I still have cravings and want to eat a whole bag of chips or whatever, I am thinking about food much differently than before. Obviously I am on the losing weight track, so I have to count points and measure things out and be really mindful, but I also feel like I have a handle on my emotional eating- at least for right now. And I am in the process of getting a handle on everything else, so I won't repeat the past ever again. That's why this blog is called Need to Get ME Back, because I lost myself and am getting the old (yet also new and improved) me back :)

Since I feel like it has seriously gotten thru to me, I am going to do a little book summary of Women, Food and God, with quotes I like, so be on the lookout for that soon!

I'm in pain.

That stupid 30 day shred piece of crap workout kicked my ass so hard. I can't walk. I can't sit down. I can't  stand up. I can't do stairs. It's so sad, I'm walking around like an old lady today.

I wasn't going to do the elliptical (and hell no was I going to do the shred again), but then I had something that triggered my need to get aggression out... while at the same time making me want to eat an entire pizza. (How's that for emotional eating?)

My ex emailed me. He has a new girlfriend, but apparently still wants to be friends (read: keep me on the back burner). We were together for a long time and I know he still thinks fate (or some other bullshit) will bring us back together again. But once you break up for like, the 4th time, that's probably not wise to go thru again. It's just very frustrating to hear from him when he has a girlfriend yet still wants to make sure I don't move on. I'm going to respond something nice, but something to the effect that we can't talk anymore. I think a huge part of why I lost myself had to do with this relationship. Maybe I always knew it wasn't right, but I felt like we were together for so long that I shouldn't just throw it away. I was unhappy and lonely, I made my entire life about him, and I definitely used food as a drug to try to ignore those feelings and the fact that I was so unhappy with my life. It's so hard to love someone and miss them, but know that it's just not in your best interest to have them in your life. So for once in a long, long time, I am putting myself first and focusing on what is good for me.

I didn't order that pizza, but I did workout - listening to angry girl music. :) I'm not letting anything derail me right now, especially him.

Are you effing kidding me, Jillian Michaels?

I did the Shred today. I think the last time I did it was 2 years ago so I knew what I was getting into but maybe I also forgot a little bit. It's 25 minutes of hell. I was dying. And that is only level one.

So I came to the realization that on the Biggest Loser... they have to be doing A LOT of editing to make sure the entire episode isn't filled with bleeps! I get it, it's a family show, but it was while I was on my 20th swear word that I realized that you never hear them swearing on the show. And there is no way they don't.

I did do 45 minutes on the elliptical after that. If I can lose weight chugging away on the elliptical, why would I torture myself with that stupid video? Ok, ok, I may do it again later in the week, but 2x a week will probably be my max. Has anyone done this for 30 days? My hat's off to you.

On to a little food logging...

For breakfast, I made my first smoothie in a long time! I put in a yogurt cup, an orange, a banana, some ice and Splenda. (2 pts)

For lunch, I made a tuna melt. I mixed a can of tuna (2 pts) with mustard, chopped up tomatoes and pickles. I had it on a sandwich thin (3 pts) and some reduced fat cheese (2 pts). It was really good!

Later for a snack, I had pretzels (3 pts) and 2 tbsp of cheese dip (1 pt).

Dinner was a marinated salmon fillet (9 pts... why is salmon so much?), a cup of rice pilaf (6 pts).. and raw carrots because I realized I hadn't had many veggies.

And I wrapped up the rice leftovers individually so later I can make sure to eat one serving rather than all of it.

I'll probably have an ice cream sandwich later for 4 pts. I've also been drinking A LOT of water recently and have cut way back on Diet Coke.

I've been reading a lot of other blogs recently and am getting a lot of inspiration from all of you! I'm really glad I started blogging. It's only been a week, but it's been helpful. Here's to a great, successful week everyone!