Extreme Laziness

Today has been the laziest day ever. And I am not even guilty about it at all!

I am at my sister's place to kind of chill and get out of the way of the movers and what not. And we have just been hanging out watching the Casey Anthony trial that has been on TV all day. Like literally lounging in sweats all day. We even ordered in sandwiches.

But that's ok because come Friday, I will be super busy with the move and getting settled into a whole new place. Sometimes ya just need a lazy day to recharge.

HOPEFULLY... I will get a job (Soon!!), new friends, new routine, new things to do, all new life! Priority #1 tho, is the job!! Bring on the job!

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful for this relaxing, lazy day because hopefully soon I will be nice and active and busy with things!

Moving this week!

It's finally here! Moving week!

I am so excited to finally get down to NC and have a great, fresh start! It will be the perfect time to start over and get my life set up the way I want it. I'll get a job, my own place, get friends, get a man (hopefully!), new hobbies, new places to go, everything!

This week, the movers are here and then we are driving down. So I probably won't be working out much this week, and I might be eating not so healthy things. Like today, it was kind of chaotic and we ordered pizza. I had 2 slices of thin crust pizza. No big deal. I don't feel bad about it at all. I am just living life and eating everything in moderation. It feels like a nice controlled way to live. You know, like how it should be!

I am sure I will be able to incorporate losing weight with this move. It will only be a week of being out of wack and I have a new way of eating that won't throw me totally off plan. And even if I do gain or just maintain, whatever. It's one week, I'll be fine!

Attitude of Gratitude: We're moving and I am HAPPY about it! Fresh starts feel so... fresh and new and awesome!

Weigh In Day

I actually weighed in in the middle of the day (after a not so healthy cheesy omelet) and it said 177.0, which makes me happy! I could do the WI tomorrow just to see if it is lower, but I'll just go with that number. Which means I lost 2 lbs this week!

And I even spent the day and night with friends yesterday, with some not so healthy eating and too much drinking.

Thanks to my blogger friend, Ann, I'm starting to talk about and think about foods as healthy or not so healthy rather than good or bad. Because like she told me once, there is no "bad" foods, just foods with different nutritional info basically. And your mindset about food does affect you on other levels.

Attitude of Gratitude: This weekend was really fun!

Let's talk about stretch marks...

Losing weight does help to reduce the appearance of stretch marks. Go figure! But even so, apparently, they never go away!

As I gained weight, I got stretch marks. And I got them like when I gained 15 lbs back in college. I remember seeing this tiny red line and wondering what it was, and then realizing it was a stretch mark. I also remember my boyfriend at the time asking what it was. Embarrassing!!

And it did get bigger, and then when I really gained weight, I got more and more. At my highest weight, it looked like I had gotten mauled by a bear. My stomach was covered with vertical red lines all over it. It was obscene. I hated looking at my body. It also affected my relationship at the time because I didn't want him to see my body really either. I would even try to get dressed without him seeing me.

I also got some on my upper arms, like kind of underneath by my arms pits. Not that I didn't know it already, but the stretch marks really made me see how much I was gaining, or had gained. They are so bad!

I bought Bio Oil (didn't do anything, over a period of 3 bottles) and then Mederma for stretch marks (didn't do anything, over a period of 4-5 lotions, at $40 a piece).

However, as I have been losing weight, they have gotten less red. They are still there and I can definitely see them, especially in the light or when you look at it from an angle. I still HATE them, but at least they are not as noticeable.

I just hate it. It makes me so self-conscious. I'll never wear a bikini even at my goal weight because of them. I'll always wonder if a guy is looking at them.

Other than my ex, I haven't talked to anyone about them or shown them to anyone. Even writing this post is uncomfortable! So I understand if no one wants to comment, but do you guys have stretch marks? How do you feel about them? Have they ever gone away? Anything you do to hide them or get ride of them?

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that those lil bastards are at least not red anymore!

So sore!

I am sooo sore! My legs and butt are killing me. The day before yesterday, I did Bob's Biggest Loser bootcamp DVD and apparently I really have been slacking because it kicked my butt!

Lately, I have been lazy when I get on the elliptical. I've been working out daily, but these days, I just go slow (altho at a level 6). And my heart rate monitor shows that most of my workout time is spent in fat burn rather than fitness (meaning I put in less work).

How the hell did I ever do 90 minutes on the elliptical every day? What was I thinking? And I wasn't going slow when I did that either! Where'd that girl go?

But why complain about things you're not going to do anything about? Sooo, I was getting annoyed with myself for not putting in enough effort, so I did that DVD and man, it shows how "out of shape" I can get after not doing it for awhile.

And then today, I did my Week 3 C25k run/walk thing. I am actually finding it easier to run for longer periods of time... and by longer, I mean 3 minutes. Haha! My heart rate was in fitness mode the entire time, so that's good.

Attitude of Gratitude: I am getting excited about moving! Hopefully I can find a job soon!

I deserve good things

I'm thinking differently these days. About myself and life in general. It's pretty awesome actually.

I believe that I deserve good things now. I honestly feel that now.

I hate to say that I didn't really feel like I deserved good things when I was at my highest weight, but I didn't.

What is so horrible about that is obviously a person should not be defined or valued (or devalued) based on their weight or any other superficial thing. I would feel so bad for someone else who felt that way. I would tell them that they are crazy and of course they deserve good things, and that their weight has nothing to do with whether or not they deserve good things. But I didn't feel it for myself.

When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I was unhappy. We fought a lot and I thought about breaking up with him several times. But what it really came down to was that I didn't think I deserved better. I literally thought the words, "Well at least he loves me. I should feel lucky that someone does. What if no one else will ever love me again?" And most of that thinking had to do with my weight and body image.

But now I do I believe that I deserve a great guy, and that I will find someone who loves me and is perfect for me.

When I would interview for a job and not get the job, I would always wonder if it has to do with my weight. I would wonder if they thought that because I wasn't disciplined or willing to take care of myself, how could I take care of my work?

And now I have doubts about my work experience and abilities career-wise, but if I didn't get a job, I wouldn't immediately think it was because of my weight.

Am I just feeling like this because I have lost weight? Or am I feeling like this because I have also changed in the process of losing weight? I don't exactly know the answer to that, but I hope it is the second one. I am stronger now. I am more positive. I am proud of myself for accomplishing something. I am confident. And why should I not deserve good things? I am a good person, I treat people well, I put effort into things.

It's just such a shift in the way I feel about myself. Just to feel like I'm worthy of good things. It feels really nice.

Attitude of Gratitude: You know how my blog is titled, "Need to get me back,"? Well I feel like I really am getting myself back.

Weigh In

This week I lost 4.9 lbs! I currently weigh 179.0.

Ok, I am happy, buuuut this isn't really the drastic loss that it seems because most of it was just water weight from gaining 5 lbs in like, 3 days last week from eating horrible foods.

However, I am back to the 170's, which is great and I am going to keep moving down!

My goals for this week are to eat well, and to kick it up a notch with my workouts. I did a bootcamp DVD today, and will do more DVDs this week, plus C25k (which I'm not really doing according to how you're supposed to, but any running will be good). Oh and drink more water because I have been lacking in that department.

Attitude of Gratitude: I am grateful on this Father's Day to have the most awesome dad!

Why do you want to lose weight?

Dropping the weight isn't as easy (and fast) as it was when I first started. I know it's just because I have less to lose, which is obviously good, but it is more of a struggle now.

Things in terms of losing weight are not bad right now, but they're not great. I feel like I'm kind of on an edge where I could go one way or another. I could continue losing weight until I get to my goal, or I could slowly start giving up and start gaining again. (Which I'm not going to do!!)

This is usually the time where the going gets hard and I would just start giving up. Or I would sabotage myself. Maybe that's what I did last week. Self-sabotage is such a huge thing that it would take a post all for itself, so I'll just leave it alone for now.

Right now I want to highlight all the reasons WHY I want to lose weight. If I know why I am doing this and why it's important to me, then that will make it easier mentally... since I always say the mental aspect is a huge part of the battle. So here goes...

• To be healthy, get sick less, prevent bad health diseases
• To be able to go for a walk, go up stairs, etc without getting out of breath
• To be able to shop for clothes I actually like
• To be able to wear sleeveless shirts again, dresses, shorts, swim suits, etc
• To be able to wear a skirt and not have my thighs rub together
• To be able to wear white clothes and not feel big
• To be feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel insecure
• To not feel like I am being held back from doing things bc of my weight
• To be attractive, especially being single and dating
• To get checked out by guys again and not feel like no one would ever find me attractive
• To feel worthy of dating a cute guy rather than thinking someone attractive wouldn't want me
• To look better naked and to feel sexy rather than insecure during.. you know
• To feel confident in other aspects of my life, getting a job, making friends, etc
• To not feel like the fat girl in a group of people
• To not feel like people are looking at me or talking about me bc I'm overweight
• To be able to just relax when I'm with friends and not constantly worry about how I look 
• No muffin top or back fat
• To look awesome at my wedding some day
• To be pretty not just in a "you have a pretty face" kind of way
• To feel like if I can lose 100 lbs, I can do anything
• To feel normal, just like a normal, young, attractive girl

What are your reasons?

I'm overweight!

Usually that's not a happy statement to make, but I just realized that according to my BMI, I am now overweight instead of obese.

I think I am recovering from my stupid 3 day binge from last week. Today after I worked out, I weighed 179.6.

According to the BMI calculator, 30 and over is obese, and I am 29.8. So just barely under, but still under. Thumbs up.

On another note, do you guys ever feel lazy when you are working out? Today I did the elliptical, but was just not feeling it. I have my heart rate monitor and today's workout was pretty much all in fat burn zone rather than in the (harder) fitness zone. I don't know why, but I was just going so slow and not into it at all. Maybe I should run/ walk outside tomorrow. I keep thinking I should do a workout DVD but I'm just feeling so lazy lately.

Attitude of Gratitude: Not obese!

Shopping is so much better minus 70 lbs

I used to HATE shopping for clothes. Everything I bought was just out of necessity. And more than likely it would be in some attempt to cover up my fat. Nothing too fitted, nothing too colorful. Most of it was black. None of it was stylish.

Trying on clothes in a store used to be such an emotional thing because I would always leave feeling horrible about my body and myself.

And have you ever noticed that clothes that allow you to cover up tend to be fancier sometimes? Like when I would go out with friends, my skinny friends could wear jeans and a cheap tank top and look awesome. I, on the other hand, would have to find some kind of shirt to hid my stomach, hid my arms, and then I ended up looking like I was "trying." Does that make sense? So I spent more money and still looked worse than everyone else.

But I love that I can pick and choose things I actually want to wear now.When I try things on, they fit! And THEN I decide whether I like it. Before, if it fit, I liked it. Plain and simple.


Today I went shopping for some tops to wear out to a bar or some night out with the girls, which will probably happen next weekend. And it was easy to find some cute tops to wear! I didn't like everything I tried on, but nothing looked horrendous and I didn't leave all sad and depressed. Instead, I got to get some cute tops with nice bright colors, that actually fit and even accentuated my body rather than try to hide it.

It just feels so nice and normal. I never want to have to shop in the plus size section again. Right now, I'm between a 12-14 jeans and am a size large shirt. I'm not at my goal (still have 30 lbs to go), but I feel good with where I am.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm grateful that I don't dread shopping anymore. I was actually excited to get some new pretty tops.

If you never fall down...

... you never learn how to get back up. 

You never learn how much you WANT to get back up. You never learn how strong getting back up makes you. You never gain experience from whatever it was that made you fall down in the first place.

Falling down, making mistakes, getting hurt is really what shapes you, educates you and makes you stronger.

I know the last thing a person wants to hear when they are down is, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." But it has really hit me lately that all those things that make you fall down; once you get back up, they really do make you stronger!

When you pick yourself back up, it really does give you such a sense of accomplishment and strength and awareness for next time. This is true for me in several ways.

Like me taking 3 days to wallow, and gaining 6 lbs. I let myself get totally off track, which makes it harder to get back on track both in terms of eating well and exercising. Maybe it's annoyingly difficult, but I am doing it. And that makes it feel like even more of an accomplishment. When it's not easy, like when you're out of the routine, have emotional triggers, it requires more focus. Then when you actually do it, you are proud of yourself and aware that you CAN do it.
Or like how I once again allowed myself to get sucked back into a bad game of emotional roulette with my ex-boyfriend. I got hurt (shocker), but now I am picking myself up again. Now I know to always stay away from him and never let him back in again. I also know that I am strong, I care about myself and can look out for my own best interests and stop playing the game. I can move on, I can demand better, I can choose to not tolerate disrespect. I can choose who I allow in my life.

These are all valuable lessons I would not have learned otherwise. See, sometimes it takes the bad stuff to make us smarter. And once we are smarter, we are forever stronger because of it.

That's why I really love the saying, "Never a failure, always a lesson." (Altho I don't think I am going to get that tattoo...)

Attitude of Gratitude: I am stronger today than I was before.

Back on the horse, wagon, track, whatever

Yesterday was my beyond horrible weigh in. Luckily, I am very motivated to lose this weight, so that one extremely horrible weigh in gave me a huge slap in the face and snapped me out of my funk.

I HATED seeing such a dramatic increase on the scale. I hated seeing it go up, especially back into the 180's since I was mentally all happy to be in the 170's, even if only by a teensy bit.

So yesterday, I ate extremely well. Mostly protein and vegetables. Altho in a weak moment, I did have a couple handfuls of Cheetos. I know... so bad!

But I am happy to report that when I woke up, the scale said 181.7 (2.2 down) and then I worked out for an hour on the elliptical and got on the scale again and it said 180.3. I am glad that I was probably holding on to a lot of water weight (which a lot of you told me), but I am being strict now, so I can have a good WI next week and get back on the LOSING TRACK!
Attitude of Gratitude: I am feeling better emotionally. Things are looking up and I'm getting excited about moving.

Worst Weigh In Ever

Since I started losing weight, this is the very worst week I have had. No other weigh in comes close to being as bad as this week.

I'm ashamed to say that today, I weigh 183.9, which is a 4 lb gain since Sunday. However, I weighed 177.5 on Thursday, so really in my mind, it is a 6.4 lb gain. All because of 3 days of  no working out and eating HORRIBLE.

If you didn't read yesterday's blog and would like more of an explanation as to why the heck I gained so much this week, check out yesterday's post. :/

Why couldn't I just have focused on my weight rather than throwing all caution to the wind?

I am so pissed at myself for doing this. This week is going to make up for those bad days. I think I'm going to have a no carb week. Usually banning foods makes me want them more, but I'm so upset at this gain that I don't even care. And working out of course. I wonder if I can lose 4 lbs this week. Wouldn't that be nice?

Attitude of Gratitude: I will get back on track. I have all the tools and know what to do, and I will do it.

Fell off the wagon

This isn't a fun post. My blog is all honest, 100% truth, so I won't just skip over what I need to say.

This week has sucked. Emotionally draining. I feel defeated, disrespected, betrayed, unloved, unwanted, tired. All because of one guy. And then since I'm moving in 3 weeks, I also feel nervous, anxious, stressed and uncertain about my future. I have no plans. I have so much to figure out.

Ok, that being said (not that that should be an excuse), let's get on with it. I basically ate my weight in horrible junk food the last 2-3 days. It's just been my sister and I at home, so all we've been doing is watching TV and movies, and eating. So much so that my stomach hurt. We're talking stuffed crust pizza, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Dairy Queen, multiple slices of cheesecake, Cheetos, Tostitos with cheese dip, Oreos.

I also hate how hypocritical this makes me. I was just talking about how emotional eating didn't really work in numbing me from my feelings, so it was good that I was aware of what I was going. It still didn't work really, maybe I should have gotten drunk instead, but it gave me something else to think about I guess. I can't explain it. I think the word would be apathy.

Moral of the story is that it's easy to make good choices and be smart when everything is going fine. When things are going wrong, when it's stressful, when you are tested, that's when it's harder and you have to make a bigger effort to be mindful of your choices. And I don't have everything figured out.

What's really sad is that on Thursday, I weighed in at 177.5, which was down 2.4 since Sunday and I was really happy about that. Then today I weighed in at 183.2.

Yeah... so 2 days of binging = a 5 lb gain.

I should have followed my own advice that I give to others and thought about that 177 and how happy seeing lower numbers makes me, how the best revenge is just being happy, how overeating would only make me feel worse. But nope. Didn't think of any of that. I knew what I was doing, I just didn't care.

My promise to myself is that come tomorrow, I will be back on track completely. Eating right and working out every day. And I will be working out hard this week.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm not too deep that I can't pull myself out of this.

Please read, I need advice!!

I have been thinking about getting a tattoo since about February or March, with the saying, "Never a Failure, Always a Lesson" on my side, like on my ribcage. It would be hidden because it is basically for me. Altho of course, future guys I'm with will see it and only on the rare possibility I ever wear a bikini (unlikely).

It would be like this- (same font, just black ink with no background)

To answer some background questions...

• For me, this saying represents that you can truly learn from every experience, person, situation, mistake, so nothing is a failure, rather a learning experience.
• It doesn't represent one thing specifically, but for my life, it'd be gaining 100 lbs and how I'm losing it now, how my ex and I had so many issues and I'm moving on from him finally after all this time, how I let my life go downhill the last few years and am getting it back on track.
• I do have another tattoo, of a small cherub/ angel on my lower pelvis area.
• I know the ribcage hurts like hell.

Do you think I should get it?

Suggestions? Opinions? Any and all HONEST advice is welcome!

Ex-bf drama: Resolved.

Feelings still kinda suck if anyone was wondering, but my head is doing a good job of setting those feelings straight. I am a million% sure that my ex-boyfriend is my EX for a reason. For the first time in over 8 years, I am honestly in a place where I know that. I don't want him. (That sentence, I don't want him, is seriously an epiphany for me.) I thought I did for a few weeks there when he was sucking me back in, but that was just a delusional fantasy I was entertaining.

Some relationships just have an addictive quality to them that makes it hard to walk away and easy to get sucked back in over and over again. They aren't healthy. It's like I am addicted to this person, whether he makes me feel good or bad, and I just need to go cold turkey and get that toxin out of my life. And like any other addict, you can't really just have "one drink" or you'll backslide. Thankfully, he showed his true colors before anything happened, before I even went to go see him in person, so I am done.

I am moving with my family to NC and am going to start over (which was the plan for the last 9+ months). We're not even talking at this point, haven't had the goodbye talk (altho we've had so many over the years, who really needs another one?), maybe we'll never talk again. Knowing him, I'll hear something else, maybe he'll want to be friends (no thanks), but I am so much in a place of being over it, that I wouldn't even have a conversation. I'd love to just ignore him or be like, "Dude leave me alone" or tell him how he has no idea how little I want him, friend or otherwise. He adds nothing positive to my life. Done!

**Also, I haven't been commenting on other blogs very much, so I'm sorry! I have been kind of distracted, but then a couple times when I was reading blogs and wanted to comment, something was wrong with Blogger I think, because I couldn't comment. And it looks like it still isn't working today. Sad :(
Attitude of Gratitude: I am sooo grateful that I honestly, 100% KNOW I do not want this guy. Not now, not ever. I deserve better. It's hard to explain, but this time is different. I'd be fine if we never spoke again. That's progress, baby!

Feelings suck

Yesterday was a low point emotionally. And it was reflected through a whole bunch of bad eating. Even though I know it's bad, it's emotional eating, not going to fix anything, only makes things worse. Sometimes you just say, "whatever."

Some of you know I've been talking to my ex. I was so close to being over him, yet when he came back and said all the nice "I want you back" kind of things, I couldn't help but get sucked back in again. We have been on and off for a good majority of my adult life, and even so, I eventually got to the point where I thought we could give it another shot and live happily ever after. Of course, when I got to this point, he started having lots of doubts. I felt like he just wanted what he couldn't have and that it was all just some big game to him. I told him that and got upset, which pushed him farther away and made him think we are already fighting so getting back together is a bad idea. Since then, he has expressed interest in seeing each other (which we were supposed to this week, we are 3 hours away), but has pretty much been ignoring me. We have barely talked at all in the last 2 weeks, and he has only initiated contact once.

Yesterday I got to the point where I logically know this isn't good. He doesn't treat me well, doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't know how to communicate. He isn't trying, so I can't try. I shouldn't want to try. We haven't had the "it's over for good" talk, but I think it is. Over. Maybe he still thinks I am going to go visit him, but I won't say anything and I'd put money on him not either. If he does, it'd just be stupid at this point. I don't know.

But now to the food. Let's review my little meal plan yesterday.

• Smoothie (off to my usual healthy start)
• (Hey, we have easy to make cookie dough) 3 cookies with whipped cream.
• Tostitos with melted cheese
• Out of Diet Coke, so I opted for cran-raspberry juice. (which I never drink bc of the cals but whatever)
• Another cookie with whipped cream.
• (Why don't we have any junk food in this house?) Frozen french fries.
• With melted cheese and bacon bits on top.
• Sausage that was leftover in the fridge (why don't we have buns?)
• Another cookie.
• Another cookie.

 Healthy, right? Do bacon bits count as sufficient protein for the day? At least there was spinach in my smoothie. And at least my parents aren't home to witness this and wonder where all the cookies went.

So anyway, like I said, it didn't really "work." It didn't change anything. I don't know why I just kind of threw caution to the wind and ate so horribly. Maybe I really thought it would make me feel better. Altho mentally, I knew it wouldn't.

Awareness and compulsion cannot coexist.

I knew what I was doing. I was eating to try to avoid the painful, uncomfortable feelings. But it didn't really work. I still felt like crap, still thought about him and the situation. Did it ever really work before when I used to "eat my feelings" all the time? Did it ever make me happy? Maybe it just made me comfortably numb, but not even that much. I was still unhappy.

Getting full from junk food doesn't change anything or make anything better. I'm glad I have gotten to this point where at least I am aware. And today's a new day and I won't be eating like that again. I had my little pity party and now I will deal with my feelings another way. Ugh, feelings suck.

Attitude of Gratitude: Ugh, being grateful is hard sometimes. But I am grateful that even tho it sucks, I think I might be getting some clarity and getting to the point where I know I deserve better. Oh, and today the scale still said 179.9 so maybe no damage was done.

Weigh In

I now weigh 179.9, so this week I lost 1.1 lbs.

Which means... I am out of the 180's! And I have officially lost 70 lbs. Victory! It is so good to see a 1-7-something on the scale, even if it is only by 0.1. Onward and downward.

Today hasn't been a great eating day. Do you guys ever eat poorly on your WI day since it's the beginning of the week? Yeah, kind of stupid rationalization, I know. I'm emotional eating today. But you know what's weird; it's that I know what I'm doing so it isn't really working. Like I still feel emotional and shitty and sad and unhappy right now. And now there's just the added feeling of feeling full and guilty. And I didn't work out. Boo.

Attitude of Gratitude: My mom treated me and my sister to a pedicure yesterday, so at least my toes are pretty.

Finally got a heart rate monitor!

Yay! I got the heart rate monitor I have been wanting! I've had it for about a week and use it for all my workouts. There is a chest strap that I wear just under my sports bra and a watch that tells you your heart rate, how many calories burned and whether you are in the fat burn or fitness zone.

It is the Polar FT7, which looks like this --->

For awhile I was thinking that it was best to have your heart rate in the Fat Burn zone rather than the Fitness zone, but I realized I had this backwards when I went running and all my time was spent in the Fitness zone (obviously because I was working a lot harder). Typically on the elliptical, it balances out about 50/50 in each zone.

It was very interesting to see that when I went running, I was in the Fitness zone 52 minutes out of 60. HOWEVER, I burned pretty much the same amount of calories as I would on the elliptical... why is this? If I am working harder shouldn't I be burning more calories?

All in all, I'm happy I got this and am able to track how hard I am working. It pushes me to work harder. Like when I am on the elliptical, sometimes I'll use my arms and do punches or overhead lift things just to get my heart rate up higher. And if I am getting lazy and see my heart rate going down, it pushes me to kick it up a notch and get it back up.

*Also, thanks for all the great encouragement on the running! You all are giving me hope that if I stick with it, it will get easier! That's good motivation, so thank you. I will keep at it.

Attitude of Gratitude: I kinda love that I care about this stuff now. A year ago, I never exercised and now I have a heart rate monitor and work out every day. Craziness...

An update on running

Some of you may remember that I had decided to do the C25k program. Haven't heard about that in awhile, huh? Yeah, I haven't been working at it as much as I should have been.

I stopped because the weather was crappy. First it was too cold, then rainy, then too hot. But I guess there were some nice, sunny days in there too... Seriously tho, I will find any excuse not to go run because... um.. I dunno... because it's hard and I hate it.

Today I did Week 3, Day 1, which at one point has you running for 3 minutes. Longest 3 minutes of my life! It is so sad that I can't run for the 3 minutes without huffing and puffing like crazy. It really makes me feel like the elliptical is a vacation.

I got a heart rate monitor finally (I'll tell you about it tomorrow), and I have come to find that the running/ walking outside burns about the same amount of calories as the elliptical. However, it gets my heart rate WAY higher than the elliptical. Anyone have any insight into this? Does having an elevated heart rate make it so you burn more calories during the rest of the day?

It's hard to get the motivation up to do a workout that burns about the same amount of calories as something easier (elliptical) yet is significantly harder.

Attitude of Gratitude: My puppy learned to high five today.

May - 5.5 lbs Lost

This month, I lost 5.5 lbs. (Today's weight was 180.8) I didn't meet my goal, but that's ok. The scale is still moving in the right direction, I am still putting in the effort and my clothes are fitting better.

There were a couple obstacles this month, such as 2 occasions where there was cake, 3 weekends where I ate out mostly. It could have been better, but it could have been worse. I did what I could and feel like I have made this weight loss journey into a lifestyle change rather than a diet. That's a good accomplishment- the mental aspect is such a tough hurdle to get over.

I worked out 28 out of 31 days. Most of the time I did the elliptical, but other times I did DVDs or ran/ walked outside. I didn't do much running because the weather was bad a lot. The weather sucks here; either too cold or hot or rainy.

June is going to be tricky. I will be moving at the end of the month, so I might not be able to work out as much as I used to. (July will probably be even worse). I might have to eat out more often, maybe do fast food. There are a couple things still up in the air as far as plans, so we'll see how it goes. I have the right mindset, and losing weight and not wasting time is important to me, so I am confident I will be ok.

June goal: AMAP (as much as possible, probably around 5-6lbs)

Attitude of Gratitude: I have been feeling uncertain about some things in my life, but in less than 2 weeks, I will have many of these questions answered and can sort things out and start really planning.