Saturday, June 11, 2011

Fell off the wagon

This isn't a fun post. My blog is all honest, 100% truth, so I won't just skip over what I need to say.

This week has sucked. Emotionally draining. I feel defeated, disrespected, betrayed, unloved, unwanted, tired. All because of one guy. And then since I'm moving in 3 weeks, I also feel nervous, anxious, stressed and uncertain about my future. I have no plans. I have so much to figure out.

Ok, that being said (not that that should be an excuse), let's get on with it. I basically ate my weight in horrible junk food the last 2-3 days. It's just been my sister and I at home, so all we've been doing is watching TV and movies, and eating. So much so that my stomach hurt. We're talking stuffed crust pizza, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Dairy Queen, multiple slices of cheesecake, Cheetos, Tostitos with cheese dip, Oreos.

I also hate how hypocritical this makes me. I was just talking about how emotional eating didn't really work in numbing me from my feelings, so it was good that I was aware of what I was going. It still didn't work really, maybe I should have gotten drunk instead, but it gave me something else to think about I guess. I can't explain it. I think the word would be apathy.

Moral of the story is that it's easy to make good choices and be smart when everything is going fine. When things are going wrong, when it's stressful, when you are tested, that's when it's harder and you have to make a bigger effort to be mindful of your choices. And I don't have everything figured out.

What's really sad is that on Thursday, I weighed in at 177.5, which was down 2.4 since Sunday and I was really happy about that. Then today I weighed in at 183.2.

Yeah... so 2 days of binging = a 5 lb gain.

I should have followed my own advice that I give to others and thought about that 177 and how happy seeing lower numbers makes me, how the best revenge is just being happy, how overeating would only make me feel worse. But nope. Didn't think of any of that. I knew what I was doing, I just didn't care.

My promise to myself is that come tomorrow, I will be back on track completely. Eating right and working out every day. And I will be working out hard this week.

Attitude of Gratitude: I'm not too deep that I can't pull myself out of this.


Jodie said...

Probably a lot of that 5 lbs is water retention. You did NOT gain 5 lbs of fat in 2 days for certain! You can pull it back together!! I'm rooting for you.

Bonnie said...

Totally agree with Jodi. Drink a crap load of water to get your body to rid itself of that excess. Your allowed to have a shitty week, we all are. The important thing is that you are picking yourself up and starting again!

Thin Lizzy said...

I agree with the water retention- lots of salt in those foods.

I know it seems hard, but remember that you have the power to choose how his actions are going to affect you. His being a dickhead doesn't need to push you over the edge.

Kelty said...

It's a rough patch. But you aren't giving up, you're acknowledging your F**up and moving forward. That's really the best thing you can do!

The Girl From Back Then said...

Snap. And now I hate myself for it. Hate my stupid life, and my stupid self for not being more vigilant. Every time this happens, I have to mourn over and over again the life I could be living.

Diandra said...

I promise, the 5lbs will be gone in no time once you're back at it.

Dawn said...

It will go, and I'm sorry this happened. There is only one thing worse that 2 days binging...and thats 3, or 4 or 5 and you didn't do that. You've pulled it back together and you will pick up. Keep on, for I dream of getting to your size, and you WILL reach the end, I'm sure you will.

kristi said...

Been there, done that! You can get back on track. Please come check my blog out, I will follow you!