Some of you know I've been talking to my ex. I was so close to being over him, yet when he came back and said all the nice "I want you back" kind of things, I couldn't help but get sucked back in again. We have been on and off for a good majority of my adult life, and even so, I eventually got to the point where I thought we could give it another shot and live happily ever after. Of course, when I got to this point, he started having lots of doubts. I felt like he just wanted what he couldn't have and that it was all just some big game to him. I told him that and got upset, which pushed him farther away and made him think we are already fighting so getting back together is a bad idea. Since then, he has expressed interest in seeing each other (which we were supposed to this week, we are 3 hours away), but has pretty much been ignoring me. We have barely talked at all in the last 2 weeks, and he has only initiated contact once.
Yesterday I got to the point where I logically know this isn't good. He doesn't treat me well, doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't know how to communicate. He isn't trying, so I can't try. I shouldn't want to try. We haven't had the "it's over for good" talk, but I think it is. Over. Maybe he still thinks I am going to go visit him, but I won't say anything and I'd put money on him not either. If he does, it'd just be stupid at this point. I don't know.
But now to the food. Let's review my little meal plan yesterday.
- Smoothie (off to my usual healthy start)
- (Hey, we have easy to make cookie dough) 3 cookies with whipped cream.
- Tostitos with melted cheese
- Out of Diet Coke, so I opted for cran-raspberry juice. (which I never drink bc of the cals but whatever)
- Another cookie with whipped cream.
- (Why don't we have any junk food in this house?) Frozen french fries.
- With melted cheese and bacon bits on top.
- Sausage that was leftover in the fridge (why don't we have buns?)
- Another cookie.
- Another cookie.
So anyway, like I said, it didn't really "work." It didn't change anything. I don't know why I just kind of threw caution to the wind and ate so horribly. Maybe I really thought it would make me feel better. Altho mentally, I knew it wouldn't.
Awareness and compulsion cannot coexist.
I knew what I was doing. I was eating to try to avoid the painful, uncomfortable feelings. But it didn't really work. I still felt like crap, still thought about him and the situation. Did it ever really work before when I used to "eat my feelings" all the time? Did it ever make me happy? Maybe it just made me comfortably numb, but not even that much. I was still unhappy.
Getting full from junk food doesn't change anything or make anything better. I'm glad I have gotten to this point where at least I am aware. And today's a new day and I won't be eating like that again. I had my little pity party and now I will deal with my feelings another way. Ugh, feelings suck.
Attitude of Gratitude: Ugh, being grateful is hard sometimes. But I am grateful that even tho it sucks, I think I might be getting some clarity and getting to the point where I know I deserve better. Oh, and today the scale still said 179.9 so maybe no damage was done.