Monday, June 6, 2011

Feelings suck

Yesterday was a low point emotionally. And it was reflected through a whole bunch of bad eating. Even though I know it's bad, it's emotional eating, not going to fix anything, only makes things worse. Sometimes you just say, "whatever."

Some of you know I've been talking to my ex. I was so close to being over him, yet when he came back and said all the nice "I want you back" kind of things, I couldn't help but get sucked back in again. We have been on and off for a good majority of my adult life, and even so, I eventually got to the point where I thought we could give it another shot and live happily ever after. Of course, when I got to this point, he started having lots of doubts. I felt like he just wanted what he couldn't have and that it was all just some big game to him. I told him that and got upset, which pushed him farther away and made him think we are already fighting so getting back together is a bad idea. Since then, he has expressed interest in seeing each other (which we were supposed to this week, we are 3 hours away), but has pretty much been ignoring me. We have barely talked at all in the last 2 weeks, and he has only initiated contact once.

Yesterday I got to the point where I logically know this isn't good. He doesn't treat me well, doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't know how to communicate. He isn't trying, so I can't try. I shouldn't want to try. We haven't had the "it's over for good" talk, but I think it is. Over. Maybe he still thinks I am going to go visit him, but I won't say anything and I'd put money on him not either. If he does, it'd just be stupid at this point. I don't know.

But now to the food. Let's review my little meal plan yesterday.
  • Smoothie (off to my usual healthy start)
  • (Hey, we have easy to make cookie dough) 3 cookies with whipped cream.
  • Tostitos with melted cheese
  • Out of Diet Coke, so I opted for cran-raspberry juice. (which I never drink bc of the cals but whatever)
  • Another cookie with whipped cream.
  • (Why don't we have any junk food in this house?) Frozen french fries.
  • With melted cheese and bacon bits on top.
  • Sausage that was leftover in the fridge (why don't we have buns?)
  • Another cookie.
  • Another cookie.
 Healthy, right? Do bacon bits count as sufficient protein for the day? At least there was spinach in my smoothie. And at least my parents aren't home to witness this and wonder where all the cookies went.

So anyway, like I said, it didn't really "work." It didn't change anything. I don't know why I just kind of threw caution to the wind and ate so horribly. Maybe I really thought it would make me feel better. Altho mentally, I knew it wouldn't.

Awareness and compulsion cannot coexist.

I knew what I was doing. I was eating to try to avoid the painful, uncomfortable feelings. But it didn't really work. I still felt like crap, still thought about him and the situation. Did it ever really work before when I used to "eat my feelings" all the time? Did it ever make me happy? Maybe it just made me comfortably numb, but not even that much. I was still unhappy.

Getting full from junk food doesn't change anything or make anything better. I'm glad I have gotten to this point where at least I am aware. And today's a new day and I won't be eating like that again. I had my little pity party and now I will deal with my feelings another way. Ugh, feelings suck.

Attitude of Gratitude: Ugh, being grateful is hard sometimes. But I am grateful that even tho it sucks, I think I might be getting some clarity and getting to the point where I know I deserve better. Oh, and today the scale still said 179.9 so maybe no damage was done.


Diet Starts Tomorrow said...

You can get through this! It's so true that today's a new day, and as long as you know that each day is a chance to start fresh you will get through anything! You can be grateful that although you may feel sad, you are still staying positive and hopeful.

Amy @ Findingfitme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy @ Findingfitme said...

Ok so I need to edit before I post.

I'm amazed you stepped on the scale, that was brave. Also amazed it didn't move.

No need to wallow in the binge, back on the horse and drink lots of water. :-)

My 2 cents of relationship advice to you. I did this when I was in my late 20's and now I'm a happily married (10 years) 38 year old. Here it is: brainstorm the qualities you want in a man. No matter how big or small. When done review them and pick your top 10. Write them down on a note card. On the bottom of the card write: I have this, I deserve this and I not going to settle for less. Read it every day. When you start (or restart if that's your choice) a relationship review the list. If he doesn't meet at least 7, he's out. No reason to waste your time.

My list had items like: kind to animals, active, wants to have children, etc ... People are who they are and rarely change who they are at their core. Same as the saying "you know what your married"

Thin Lizzy said...

it happens to the best of us, girl! get back on the wagon and keep moving forward!

ThunderThighs said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I could say a ton of things about how you obviously deserve better and move on and blah blah blah, but I know you already know all that. The one thing I can say, is that everything happens for a reason. Someday you'll see that. For now, keep your head up, be strong and know you have lots of support here in bloggyland. *Hugs*

Baby Weight and Beyond said...

Emotional eating makes no sense but a good portion of us do it....I know I have eaten a cookie to spite my husband.....?Yeah, no sense!

My 2 cents is you broke up for a reason....let it be. I know we don't "know" each other but I can tell you deserve so much more than what he is offering!

Diandra said...

Get rid of that guy. Maybe he just wants you to want him, or he doesn't know what he wants. But these on-off relationships are a complete waste of time. You'll be better off without him, I promise.

Missy said...

Awareness is the hard part, both with "regular" relationships and food relationships. Sounds like you're aware that neither of these relationships are good for you!

Christine said...

Bingful eating.... been there, done that! Wrong choice of relationship... been there, done that! YES, "feelings suck" ,but guess what... they don't kill you and you really don't need to wallow over a guy who'd never make you really happy like you deserve to be!!! Take it from me... MR. WONDERFUL is very real and in time you'll see for youself!

Vicky said...

It is a sad fact that our emotions can govern our every movement. Sometimes you can fight them, but a lot of the time they win.