When'd it get so hard?

Damn I am struggling. The good news is I'm not gaining, but the bad news is I am not losing anything either.

After reading some of my old posts, I am amazed at how awesome I did for such a long time there. I had it down. I knew what to do, and I just did it. There was no other option in my mind. I was driven by some pure crazy determination.

So what happened? I took some time off, gained a little (10lbs) over about 6 months. Then I decided to get rid of that 10lbs, which thankfully I did. And now I am stuck around 170, which is 20 lbs away from my original goal to lose 100 lbs, bringing me to 150.

I have 20 lbs to lose. Which since I already lost 80, shouldn't feel so overwhelming.

I know what I need to do. Trust me, I have read every diet book on the shelves, countless fitness magazines and through this blog, met so many people with great weight loss ideas. It is not a matter of not knowing what to do. It's just doing it.

Somehow it got hard again. (That's what she said...) I think the fact that I took time off, undoing all my newly learned good habits, took me back to square one. I have to make all those healthy habits into actual habits again.

Eating what others eat

When I went out of town last week, I was with my boyfriend and his friends/ family for about 5 days straight, which meant eating all the same meals/ snacks as everyone else. When I came back from the trip, I noticed I had lost weight. This kind of made it hit me that maybe if I eat more "normally" and cut out emotional eating (which I tend to do, especially when I am alone) that I will lose weight easily. Even eating out at fast food restaurants and ordering pizza and drinking alcohol had made me lose weight. Very interesting.

I have been working from home, writing and making websites for small companies, so I do tend to eat more when I am home alone. A few handfuls of this and nibbles of that equal way more calories than I should be eating.

Funny how other people (who don't have a "problem" with food, like I feel like I do sometimes...) just eat normally throughout the day and stay slim. And when I eat like that, I lose weight.

This is a lesson to myself. Eat to live. I should know this by now, but I need to wrap my feelings around the fact that food will not make any situation better. No emotional eating!

What just happened?

The scale said 168.4 today. Happy dance.

But I'm confused a little... what'd I eat yesterday? I mindlessly ate pretzels, M&M's, teddy grahams.

Ok, well now that I think about, I had a smoothie for breakfast. Not too much for lunch, kind of just snacked on above said junk food and then some venison jerky (which is insanely good, from a deer my boyfriend shot last week.. sorry to anyone who is anti-hunting ;)) Dinner was chicken (cooked in oil), sweet potato fries (baked) and asparagus. No after dinner snacking.

So I guess all in all, I ate ok, probably stayed within my points if I had been counting.

Maybe this eating better but not putting tons of pressure to not eat one single bad thing is working out. I like it.

Can't believe it's mid September

Wow, time is just flying by. I can't believe summer is pretty much over and we're already halfway into September. I am excited for fall, leaves changing color, wearing sweaters, pumpkins, apples.

I actually haven't weighed myself in awhile. Been busy, had to go out of town this past week, and haven't been thinking about dieting. But I did get on the scale today and was happy to see 170.6. It's gone down without trying too much and still having meals out and alcohol.

I plan on starting to eat healthy again. I think this time I am just going to eat healthy and not put so much pressure on myself. I won't eat ice cream every night or snack on bad stuff all day, but if I am dying for a cookie or whatever it is, I'll just have one.

I'm realizing that my all or nothing attitude is not doing me any favors, so by relaxing a bit, maybe it will just come together naturally.

Weigh In

Gained 0.8lbs this week.

Up and down and up and down. I will get my shit together soon. This week was not the week. Or apparently the month.

I just updated my weigh in page and got to see the numbers all lined up, showing that I lost 0.8lbs this whole month. What a waste.

Biting my nose to spite my face

My mom likes to say this phrase, "You're biting your nose to spite your face." Meaning you are pouting or acting in some way that is only hurting yourself more than what was originally the problem.

And after today's look at the scale (174... up 2 lbs from yesterday, which was 2 lbs up from the day before... WTF have I been eating to do this to myself??! I don't get it), I realize maybe that's what I am doing a little bit.

I didn't eat THAT bad yesterday, but I did have ice cream, and 2 glasses of wine... And maybe that was because I was already mad about yesterday's gain and I acted all "I don't even care" and look what it got me. Maybe?

Soooo before I sink myself too low into the self-pity, self-sabotage hole, I need to just be ultra strict and get that number back down.

UGGGHHHH!

The bird

I flipped off my scale today.

Same weight as yesterday, despite eating healthy and working out. 

I know, I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day. But I do and I can't stop myself.

This week's motivator: I'm pissed.

Will. Not. Be. In. 170's. By. Friday.

Confused :(

Today the scale said 172.4. What? How could I have gained 2 lbs in a day?

I definitely didn't eat anything too bad yesterday either. I had cereal for breakfast, leftover pizza for lunch (yeah, not so good), grapes, then steak, a sweet potato and green beans for dinner, and a fudgsicle later on. NOT 2lbs worth of food.

I don't get it... I'm confused. And a little pissed. I feel like that last week I took "off" screwed me up so bad. Why is it so hard right now? I am working out on the elliptical and making better eating choices and am having nothing to show for it.

What do I need to do? Eat nothing but protein and vegetables this next week?

Friday Weigh In

This week's weigh in  - 170.6. I lost 2.6 lbs this week.

I'm happy with this, especially because I wasn't THAT strict this week. I had pizza for dinner last night with a glass of wine. I also ate chocolate this week, like handfuls of M&Ms. My point is that usually when I am in full weight loss mode, I deprive myself with every little thing I want.

This week's WI is good because it shows me I can have a little "cheat" thing every once in a while if I don't go nuts, and I can still lose weight.

However, I am back still in the 170's, which is a bummer after reaching the 160s a couple weeks ago.

My unfortunate discovery...

What takes me a week to gain, takes me two weeks to lose.

But I'm bringin the number on down, so it's all good in the hood. I'll be out of the 170s next week for sure.

New me, new blog look?

I'm starting to think that my blog needs a little update. I started it over a year ago, and feel different now than I did then. And my blog should reflect that. It's feeling a bit dull.

When I first started blogging, I had lost 30 lbs (of the 80 so far), was really excited about losing weight, very gung ho and had lots of time to blog. I was so into it and it helped so much. I had some great followers and fun blogs to stay on top of. I was also very lost and feeling like I had lost myself so much and very much needed to "get me back."

Now I still feel a little bit like I need to get "me" back, and especially reach my ultimate goal of 100lbs lost, but I have gotten so much of myself back already. I am not as lost as I was back then. I have more confidence, I know who I am a little more now. And I still love blogging and having great supporters, altho I feel like I lost a few of them in my blogging absence.

So that's where I am now... and I'm thinking my blog needs a little face lift. My template is just a plain old standard one. I see so many cool blog headers that are custom made - how did you guys do that?

If anyone has any suggestions of new pages, sections, ideas, etc, please let me know.

Also I would love some help on how to make a custom template and a new header! Do you use stock photos? What program do you use?

Thanks guys!

THE GOAL

I didn't do myself any favors last week and the scale showed it. That means this week is the recovery week, trying to lose the weight I gained so I can be back to my previous weigh in number.

Why is it so easy to gain 3 lbs in a week? So far, I have gone down 2, so maybe it was water and bloat and cookies and wine...

I am not letting a week "off" derail everything I have done so far. I need to get to my goal of 150lbs and am not going to stop until I do.

Sometimes I give myself a concrete goal, like saying I want to lose 10 lbs this month, but typically I just tell myself the goal is to work out consistently and eat well. And then what happens, happens, and usually the scale reflects my efforts. [I suppose I do this because I don't like stating a goal and then not making it...]

That being said, I think I do need a concrete goal...

THE GOAL: I will hit my goal weight of 150lbs by Thanksgiving (Nov. 22). That just so happens to be three months from now. I can lose 20 lbs in 3 months.

Note: I originally wrote,"I will hit my goal weight of 150lbs by Christmas." But I think that is a long way off. I can do it before then. Maybe I can even do it before Thanksgiving.

But there it is, a concrete goal. I will either do it or I won't. But I am pretty sure I will, and you heard it here!

Accidentally took a week off..

First it started with having family in town and socializing. I still haven't found the perfect balance of eating healthy and having good food/ drinks in moderation. So instead I just have an off day. I don't go off the deep end and binge like crazy, I just stop caring about the calories in everything.

And the scale reflects that because today's weight was 173, over 3 lbs up from last Friday.

Once again, I'm back on plan. Tomorrow I will wake up and work out, and I am back to eating very healthy. I am going to start making an effort to have balance. I am counting points, so that allows me to have a cookie if I want to, or have a s'more or a glass of wine as long as I count it and allow for it. So why not?

I need: Balance, balance, balance. 

Moderation = sanity. 

Deprivation = torture.

I found this on Pinterest (LOVE pinterest).. and I need to keep it in mind!

Not so great with "vacation mode"

When I go on vacation or visit anyone, of course it's always more difficult to have control over food and where we go out to eat and all that. But it appears to be the same when people are in from out of town visiting as well. I could easily be eating well, but I just don't.

It's been nice because this summer has been so much fun and we've gone on a few trips and had a few different family members come visit. It's just not so easy on the diet. I end up having the snacks and the drinks and ordering poorly at restaurants.

Well my cousins have been here this week, but are leaving tomorrow so I'll be back on plan. I keep telling myself that when I lose the weight and get to the maintenance phase, then I will learn to balance more rather than going full force, then taking a week off.

Back on plan tomorrow. I'm sure I'll regret this when I weigh in this week, but I only did this to myself.

I need to re-read Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. That helped me out with emotional eating a lot. Do any of you have fave reads that helped?

A little bit of a cheat weekend

I had a fun weekend. Me and the man went to visit his uncle out on the lake, went out to lunch and dinner, then hung out with my family that's in from out of town yesterday. It was a good time, and I was a little lax on the diet.

By the time we had lunch on Saturday, I was famished, so when someone suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant, I didn't object and ended up eating chips and a burrito. Oh well. Then we had a busy day, and ended up eating pretty late, stopping at a steakhouse. Again, I was so hungry, I just didn't care and ate SO much. This was definitely a "throw caution to the wind" kind of cheat meal. Oh well. It was good for my sanity.

Yesterday wasn't exactly a full out cheat day, but it wasn't healthy. I had wine and chips and guacamole when we had dinner with the fam and cheesy potatoes.

And I guess I'm on a roll because I already had a cookie and a bowl of cereal today.

That's what cheating can do - derail you. I won't let it tho. I think I needed a little cheating because the diet was making me crazy and cranky.

I need to incorporate more somewhat healthy, but still good treats into my diet so I don't always feel deprived. I also need to allow myself to have one random cookie if I want it and not be so strict.

It's gotta be a lifestyle change not just a diet. Plus I really don't want to be hating life the whole time I'm losing weight. There's gotta be a happy medium, so I'll find one!

Happy Weigh In

I lost 1.6 lbs this week, which brings me to 169.5. I am happy to be in the 160s again. May it only go down from here! Also, since I started really being healthy again, 4 weeks ago, I've lost 10 lbs!

I have been eating pretty well and working out, mostly on the elliptical, but I did go for a run/walk a few times.

Last night was so hard. Our roommate bought a dozen cookies from Subway. If you haven't had Subway's cookies, don't even try them because they are beyond awesome and you will be bitter if you have to say no to them. White chocolate macadamia is so my fave cookie, and then they have a raspberry white chocolate cookie that's even better... So good. They are 6 points. And I said no!Of course, I thought about them all night and they are still there this morning but no.

I also made banana muffins because we had to use up some over ripe bananas. We didn't have applesauce or anything to make it a healthy version, so I just made it with sugar and flour, and also said no to this. Although this morning, I did have one muffin top and threw away the rest.

I saw this interesting quote this week that made me think. Mixed feelings on it- first thought was, "Yep, that's true!" Other thoughts were along the lines of, that's sad, losing weight can really be torturous, such a mental game...

Gwen Stefani on staying fit - “There is no secret: You just have to eat healthy, work out, and torture yourself!”

Healthy Clean Eating

I'm not sure what my "diet" is right now- I am just aiming to eat healthier and make sure I stay within what I know my Weight Watchers points are. I did WW before, so I know the points values better than calories, so I just keep a mental note of how many I've had all day.

I know a lot of people who are doing the "clean diet", which seems to just be everything that is natural. Nothing that comes in a yummy potato chip bag or cookie box... Mostly proteins and fruits and vegetables. The most starchy thing I am eating these days are potatoes.

I'm not officially eating clean or not eating any carbs, but just by watching my points (which I recommend to everyone), I am automatically doing that.

Like tomorrow, I am going to be having lunch with a friend who is coming over with sandwich meat... and I am realizing that unless I want to make a big deal out of being on a diet now, I'll have to have a sandwich with bread and the whole shebang. I just think it's funny how having 2 slices of bread is so unappealing to me now. I would so rather use my points in a different way than have a lame-o sandwich.

I am happy to say that I am seeing a shift in the way I am feeling about food and eating. I am being strict and while it sucks to have to turn down some foods, at least it's becoming a habit to just eat clean and healthy.

In other news, I've started working out.. 3 days in a row now. Hopefully that'll make the scale move this week!

In struggle, you find strength.

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I feel depressed and moody. I cry so easily these days. I'm down on myself, hating how much I weigh, not feeling successful enough in my job, not feeling attractive enough to my boyfriend, feeling like I don't have enough friends here. Maybe it's just the combo of it all. But them sometimes I do stop and think of how good I have it. It's up and down.

I feel like I need to push myself through this before it completely takes me over and I dig myself into a deeper hole.

Here's a quote from a Powerade commercial that I got from a  fellow blogger, WW For Life...

"Be annoyed. Go cry. You’re on the line between breaking point and breaking through. In struggle you’ll find strength. Now get over that line."

Such a good quote. I need to tell myself this over and over to get over whatever I am going through these days. 

Emotional and angry

I don't know what is going on with me, but I am feeling sooo emotional lately. It's almost like I am PMSing when I'm not. My mood will go up and down, and lately it is more down than up. I cry almost every day. I get so mad about the stupidest things. I feel so shitty.

Part of it is just feeling so down on myself lately. I hate the way I look. Which is kind of weird because I've been at this weight for awhile, about 4-6 months, and the hating myself thing just came on suddenly.

If I'm being honest, I guess I do know where it stems from.. other than the fact that I just obviously need to lose weight. My boyfriend's sister and I were talking about weight - she lost a whole bunch after having a baby, and I gained a bunch after having a plate of french fries - and I told her that I needed to buy some clothes for a trip we were talking. This was nonchalant girl talk, from what I understood. Well that vacation came and went. I did buy some new tops and summer clothes, but I still fit into all my pants, thankyouverymuch.Anyway, once we got back from vacation, she brings me her old fat clothes. And they were UGLY. 1st, I still fit into my clothes. 2nd, I can afford new clothes if I want. 3rd, As a 27 yr old, I do not need to be wearing lime green jeans with little swordfish all over them. 4th, WHO brings someone else their FAT CLOTHES! And she didn't even GIVE them to me, she LOANED them to me, until she gains weight or I lose weight, whichever comes first apparently. I looked thru them and politely gave them back, saying I still fit into my clothes and didn't really think I'd wear them. Also, I'm not a storage unit (didn't say that one tho..)

Maybe that sounds petty, but for some reason, it just did a number on me. Like she could tell that I gained weight. And I did gain about 12lbs, so that's fine. But to bring me clothes makes me feel like I am disgusting and pouring out of my clothes and can't afford to go buy the new fat pants I apparently need.

My bf was great about it, he said his sister was crazy and didn't realize what she was doing, and I do know she meant well. But around that time, *TMI* I tried to initiate sex and he was "tired." And it seems like I want to more than he does, and he'd be happy with just once a week. Which sends me down another spiral of thinking that he's not attracted to me, and why would he be when I look like this? I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.

So I'm trying to eat healthy and he knows this. I am constantly saying I can't have this or that when he offers me stuff. But we still go get a movie and he wants to get dessert stuff. Or he'll make cookies and go on about the cookie dough, which I love too. Or I mention we could get frozen yogurt, because at least that's a splurge I can maybe not feel so guilty about, but he just wants to have ice cream at home, which I can't have. It's not his fault.

But I get angry about little shit like that anyway, and I don't know why. Or how to stop it. It's not just the diet tho, I'm just really irritable. I'll get so mad and then sad and just cry.

I sound like a joy, don't I?! :)

WI - Making up for last weekend

This week's weigh in - 171.1, so I lost about a pound. This is because of last weekend, eating bad and drinking too much. I didn't think I was eating/ drinking that bad but the scale tells a different story. So after Monday, I was basically just trying to undo the damage I did those last 4 days.

I need to start working out more too. I'm getting a little down about it. I want the weight to come off faster, especially if I am typically saying no to everything I want to eat.

Bleh!

Old habits die pretty darn hard

It's not going to be easy.. but it will be worth it. I need to remember this. I'm struggling. This past weekend was fun, I hung out with my cousins and went out to eat and had family dinner. And.... it killed my diet. I drank way too much one night. I ate bad foods, like ice cream and cookies and chips and guacamole.

And today the scale shows it. 174, which is about 2-3 lbs more than before this weekend. Then today, we have avocado and tostitos still and I had some for lunch, telling myself I was being bad the whole time and not stopping. My mom also sent me home with some cookie cake, you know, "for the boys" (my boyfriend and roommate). They haven't touched it and  I've eaten half. Ugh!

It's hard to feel like I want everything that I can't have. There's not much getting around that so I just need to put blinders on and focus on the goal. The faster I can lose this weight, the better. Then I can live normally and just maintain rather than have to diet and lose. (That's my hope!)

On a side note, are there any new followers or new people who's blog I should check out? I miss blogging back when I had lots of supporters and read everyone's blogs regularly!

Social Eater

This weekend was not so diet-friendly! I had the best intentions, too. It's so difficult to eat healthy when you're just hanging out with friends or family having a good time.

I went out to eat on Saturday and ordered something healthy, so that was fine. But then we had a campfire and I had a s'more and some glasses of wine. (It's kinda hard to have just one glass of wine... but I figure if I drink maybe once a week, that won't kill the diet too much. Right?) And I ate chips and guacamole.. which is probably my favorite snack in the whole world. And yesterday, I did have the bacon, eggs and toast breakfast with my boyfriend that I've been missing. Oh and somewhere in there I had frozen yogurt, with bad Reese's stuff on it.

Today the scale shows that I haven't gained any weight after this weekend, but I suspect it is just dehydration from drinking last night.

Sometimes eating just plays a big role in socializing. I can't wait for the day when I can just eat healthy and then indulge every once in a while and not even really think about it. The whole having fun and eating good food and then immediately feeling guilty afterwards is not fun!

2nd Week's WI

172.2, so I lost 1.3lbs. Not much, but I guess it's to be expected after last week's crazy weigh in.Yesterday, the scale said 171.1. But I did go out to lunch and get a salmon BLT... so maybe that did me in.

I've been eating well tho. I worked out once. I probably need to get back into working out like I used to, every day on the elliptical.

The first few weeks of getting back into the routine of being healthy really do suck. It takes up so much of my thoughts and I hate having to count things and monitor this and that rather than just throwing caution to the wind. Ugh... But it has to be done so this is what I gotta do. And I am waiting for it to become natural and not such a big deal again, like when I was doing well and in a rhythm. And not bitter... :)

Breakfast dilemma

Me and my boyfriend used to always eat breakfast together. We'd make bacon, eggs, and toast. Well now that I am watching what I eat, my breakfasts have gone out the window. Counting Weight Watchers points, each egg is 2 points (and I'd usually have 2), each piece of toast is 2 (I'd have 2) and each piece of bacon is 1 (which I would have 3-4). Plus butter on the toast and used to cook the eggs... That's a lot of points!

The other day, I did have some bacon and made scrambled eggs, using one egg and 2 egg whites. The eggs were bland, so I put some seasoned salt on them, but I do miss my eggs over easy, with toast for the yolks. I also miss just cooking and having breakfast with my man. Lame.

Lately I have yogurt and a piece of fruit (2 pts). I can't really think of any good breakfast foods. Before, I used to always make smoothies, which are good. But other than the whole fruit/ yogurt combo, I don't know what else to make. Any ideas?

I wanted some fried chicken too, damnit

One of the things I have always had trouble with when trying to eat healthy is not giving in when others are eating unhealthy things.

Like this past weekend when my boyfriend went to go rent a movie and brought home strawberries and chocolate to make chocolate covered strawberries. It was so sweet, but I hated it kind of. He knows I've been eating healthy and said, "Diet or no diet, you're having one of these." It was a nice, romantic gesture and all I felt was dread. So I did have one. And watched as he had a bunch...

And then yesterday, it was around lunch time and he ran to the store to get dog food, but came back with a bucket of fried chicken. He came in and made a plate and asked if I wanted anything. I just said no, kind of annoyed-like because obviously I can't eat fried chicken. I was so irritated that I just said I felt like a nap and went into the bedroom.

I know I should just do my own thing, eat the stupid vegetables/ lean protein that I need to and let everyone else (the normal people who don't have to worry about fried batter going right to their muffin top) do their own thing. I'm aware. But...

Bitch session: It just sucks. Why couldn't I have just lost the weight I had to lose and then maintain it and keep it off like a normal person. Why did I have to go and gain weight (when I already had some to lose) and put myself back in this place. I hate losing weight. I hate how much eating habits have an effect on things. Like I can't just be happy that my boyfriend brings me a nice treat.

Week 1 Weigh In.. Kinda Shocking

I don't know if I should call this Week 1 really, but since I'm starting again, it is just the beginning. Again.

For the last 6 months at least (probably more actually), I haven't been working out and I've just been having fun and eating and drinking whatever I want. And I gained 10lbs. Surprise, surprise.

Well, now I'm back at it and there are no if's, and's or but's about it. It is HAPPENING.

I started last Friday, so I guess Fridays will be my WI days.  Last Friday, I was 180.6. Today, shockingly, I am 173.5.

I'm really surprised that I lost 7.1 lbs in a week, but I think it goes to show just how much of a shock my body went through this week when all it was getting was fruit/ veggies and protein rather than chips, alcohol, ice cream and calorie-laden restaurant meals. For me, the first week of being strict with myself has always been the best ones. I think it's just the going from one extreme to the next.

I haven't worked out once this week, either. I've heard that your eating habits are 80% of the losing weight game, so maybe that's true. I'll start working out soon tho.

Current mood: Happy about such a huge loss, but still feeling annoyed with myself for gaining weight in the first place when I was getting so close to my goal.

Without wanting to sound like a broken record...

... I'm at it again. I need to lose this weight. I don't know why I was trying so hard and then just stopped when I got 75% of the way there. In the last 6 months I've gained about 10 lbs - last Friday I weighed in at 180.6.

I am happy to say that today, the scale reads 173.9.

This week has been a good week. And losing that much weight in just a week shows me that I can do it again. I am not helpless and I can take control of this.

Losing weight is such a mind game. Well, my mind is officially and totally, 100% into it again. I feel bad about myself now honestly. I just feel fat and disgusting. Maybe later I'll get into the little reasons why, but right now that is what is pushing me to Just.Do.It.

You've heard it before, but this time I mean it. Again. ;)

PS- I'm sorry for not staying caught up on my favorite blogs. I miss you guys! Hopefully you will come back to me too!

It has officially caught up to me

I stepped on the scale today. I now weigh 181. Yep, I am back into the 180s. After getting to the 160s. I am sickened. What did I expect to happen? I went from eating totally clean with very little "cheating" to eating whatever I felt like. Which, especially living with a guy who can eat anything and not gain weight, is mostly unhealthy stuff.

Ice cream, chips, pizza, wine, tacos, cupcakes, frosting, wine, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta, wine. And I thought I wouldn't get up to 180? Or was I trying to get up here?

That's what is really eating me right now. Am I sabotaging myself? Why am I doing this to myself and not stopping? Like it wasn't going to catch up to me. Well it is officially caught up. I've gained over 10 lbs and my pants are fitting a little tighter. Shirts I used to feel comfortable in are now in the back of the closet. I'm so mad and disappointed in myself. @#$%^*&^%$#!!!

Always an addict?

When I was right in the thick of losing weight and being strict and really making things happen, I was so focused. If you had asked me, I would have said that I would never ever gain weight again. I was going to reach my goal weight and stay within 5 lbs of it. Forever. No doubts about it.

But now that I haven't made my goal weight and have instead gained back 10 of the 80 lbs I had lost, I don't have the same conviction. I'm not that sure anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight and be sure that I will never gain it back again because I know how miserable I was at that weight. I know how my life was back them and how much my weight affected my happiness and every single thing in my life. It wasn't fun and I don't want to go back.

But at what point would it just be easy? Is maintenance easy? Or will I always be this person who is basically susceptible to obesity. Like is it a disease or addiction that will follow me around all my life?

Right now, I've gained some weight and fallen out of the strict "go get it" mentality, and am majorly struggling to get it back. Do I have some gene in me that makes this an issue at least every so often? I want to wholeheartedly believe that I'll never go back to being 250 lbs. But why is there this little voice in my head that is scared I will?

If I changed my lifestyle for a good year or so, why can I not get it back as easily now? Will it ever get easy?

Making an effort

This week has been ok. Not great, but not bad. I have worked out most days and been making an effort to eat well. "Making an effort" doesn't really sound that awesome, right?

 Well, I have been making healthier meals, but the snacking and mindless eating is a problem. For some reason, it's really easy to just forget that I am trying to eat well now. Like all of a sudden, I find myself grabbing a couple Oreos when my boyfriend is eating them. And then I remember Oreos aren't exactly on the good foods list.

And then today after I worked out (which makes it worse), I ate chips and some avocado dip we had. Duuuumb.

What I eat in private is still the main issue. What am I, a closet eater now? I just tend to eat way more and more unhealthy when I am alone. My boyfriend can eat whatever he wants and not gain weight, but he doesn't really snack too much, especially during the day. If he were around, he'd probably suggest breakfast or lunch rather than just eating chips.

I need to get some healthier snacks or just keep it at the forefront of my mind more. I have to make this a priority. Do you guys have any tips for not making that quick, impulsive decision to eat something you know you shouldn't?

Side note.. I need to fix what is at the root of this. Re-reading Women, Food and God  might need to be in my near future.

I think my mind's in it again

Everyone knows how to lose weight. Yeah, there's a lot of gimmicky things to try, like miracle pills, random Dr. Oz recommendations, etc. But we all know that is we exercise and eating healthy foods.

Personally, I learned the basics of what foods are good for weight loss and what isn't from Weight Watchers. I found some things that I thought were healthy to be totally calorie-laden, like almonds. I would eat almonds like popcorn until I actually counted out the calories (or points) and now learned I can't trust myself to only eat 8, or whatever the serving size is.

I digress... my point is that losing weight is simple. It's math. If you burn more than you consume, you will lose weight.

The problem with this is that I think it's hugely a mental thing. I can tell myself all day that I need to lose weight and need to do this and that, but it all comes down to whether I will do it or not. If I am bored or in a bad mood, will I grab a bag of chips and go to town or get a candy bar at the store? Or will I keep in mind what I am doing and make the conscious decision to not do that? Will I do what I need to do or just say eh whatever and order pizza instead or cooking healthy?

My mind has so not been into it in the last few months, for whatever reason. But I think it is now. It has been for the last couple days anyway. I even worked out today and had a smoothie for breakfast. So here's hoping it sticks! I think I will have to prove myself for a couple weeks before I can be confident.

PS- Why did Blogger change? I don't like it.

Need to get me back... Again.

I started this blog when I was needing to get myself back to who I really was. After gaining so much weight, and going through other life stuff, I didn't know who I was. I had let myself go in more ways than just physically, and I made the decision that I needed to get ME back.

So I made this blog so I could use it as a little journal therapy and get support from other bloggers going through the same thing. And it worked. It kept me accountable. It made me sit down and think about what I was doing every day and write about it. And I made some cool blogger friends that were supportive and helpful and gave me new perspectives.

Somehow in the last 6 months, I kinda lost my footing again. I got caught up in working a lot, going out a lot and making yummy food with my boyfriend (who can eat anything and never gain weight), finding better things to do than working out, etc etc. Outcome? I have gained 10 lbs.

And I hadn't even reached my goal, so I am just backtracking and undoing my progress. So... I need to get me back again. Not only do I feel like I've lost myself in terms of gaining some weight back and falling into bad eating habits, but I am at square one with my job situation and wanting to do something different. I'm unemployed and feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. But instead of whining, I need to be proactive and do something about it. Not sure exactly what that means right now, but I will figure it out.

So here's to me getting myself back...

Goals-
I will lose 10 lbs this month... this means eating healthy and working out.
I will get up by 8:30 and work out.
I will volunteer somewhere this month.
I will focus more on freelance writing, which is what I've been doing to make money these days.
I will try to make friends here.
I will blog more and hopefully get my awesome support team back.

I'm repeating my mistakes

How is it that I SEE myself repeating my mistakes. I SEE what I am doing wrong when I am doing it - and even before I do it. And yet I still do it? Why?

The scale read 179 today. I'm going up. I'm not working out and I am eating poorly. Let me expand on that one... I am eating destructively. Not only am I eating bad once in a while and not eating my veggies, I am actively eating the worst things. Why is that??

I know it's emotional, but I almost can't help it. ... That sounds so weak. Lame.

Once I started losing weight and changed my whole lifestyle before, I realized that when I was unhappy, I ate to try to ignore it or push it aside. And when I was really low, I thought about food a lot. I would literally think about what I was going to eat next, or where I could go to get something to eat. And then I changed. I ate to live instead of the other way around. And I was proud of myself! But now here I am doing the same thing I did back then. I am noticing that I think about food more and want to eat the unhealthiest things. Especially when I'm alone, that's when I pick up the candy bar at the store or go thru the drive thru and don't tell anyone. It's gross. Bad. Destructive.

Am I sabotaging myself? And why now?

I've asked the question, why, a couple times now. But if I am being honest, I know what's up. I am unemployed and bored. I don't know what to do with myself most days. I live with my boyfriend, and for the most part, things are good with us. He works on cars out of the garage, but has lots of friends in town, so he leaves in the morning and randomly throughout the day to go see what's going on at their auto shops and stuff. And I have no where to go. I have very few friends here. I feel like I have no purpose. Every day, he asks me what I am going to do today, and I always say I don't know. I have nothing to do. I am getting unemployment and doing some freelance writing, but that doesn't take up much time. I'm not getting as much work as I wish I was. I have a background in marketing, but don't want to go back to a full-time office job. Maybe that just makes me lazy but it puts me in a horrible mood just thinking about it, so I'm trying to figure out something else. I'm lost.

BUT.... none of that gives me the right to undo the work I've done. I need to FINISH and get to my goal.

I hate myself

For some reason, the minute I tell myself I need to start eating healthy, I can think of nothing else but eating everything in sight. And it's always when I'm by myself too, which tells you just how sick it is. This morning, I ate handfuls of some chocolate cereal and then 2 pop tarts, and then had a healthy lunch with my boyfriend, and then when he left to get some work done, I sat around and ate chips, and then made cupcakes (for my boyfriend and roommate.. yeah, who's buying that one?). I must have ate at least 2 cupcakes in batter alone and then made frosting and ate enough of that too. And then randomly, I ate some deli meat.

What. The. Hell. What is wrong with me??

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. Today almost felt like binging which is scaring me. I will gain all my weight back so easily if I don't get my shit together. This is what happened last time. I just ate whatever random thing all day long to avoid whatever feeling I didn't want to feel. I LEARNED that. So why am I going right back to that bad habit?

Also my jeans are tight. I am in the RED ZONE.

I even worked out for an hour today! Why would I sabotage myself like this? It's like I am actively working against my goal right now. Which is horrible because before, when I didn't think about losing or gaining or anything, I just stayed the same weight. So why all of a sudden, when I make up my mind to lose weight, am I fighting against myself? Ugh, I feel so horrible.

I was my old healthy self yesterday

Yesterday was day 1. Well, more like day 1 again. And I was back to the old good me, ate well and worked out for an hour. And today when I stepped on the scale, I was down 2 lbs down. Maybe it was water, but I'll take it.

This morning I worked out on the elliptical again for an hour and had a healthy breakfast. Maybe not the healthiest - 2 eggs, a piece of toast, home fries. Maybe I should get back to my breakfast smoothies again. I haven't been buying a ton of fruit and veggies tho since they are so expensive.

I was reading thru old posts that I had written and it was good to see how strict I was before and how motivated I was. It lets me know I did it once, and can do it again. I've lost 75lbs, that's a lot. And now all I need to lose is 25 more. I just need to push thru and do it.

Week 1, Not so good

I somehow gained 3.3 lbs. Ok, let's be honest. I know exactly how it happened. Losing weight is not rocket science. Day one was good, day two was ok I think. But then I didn't work out for the rest of the week and I just ate whatever. Ice cream, Taco Bell, chips, more chips, mac n cheese, I could go on. Bad.

So today was day one again and so far so good. I had some yogurt for breakfast, chicken and zucchini and squash for lunch and a chicken salad just now when I was hungry.

I just have to stay focused and think about how I need to lose this weight. I am finding that I just stop thinking about it sometimes. Like I see a cookie, and I completely forget that I am supposed to be watching my weight and not having cookies. Selective amnesia. And then I have the cookie and think, oh well I'll be healthy tomorrow. That's the kind of "tomorrow" thinking that ends up with me gaining 3 lbs in a week.

I've gained about 10 lbs since October. I blamed my attitude of not really caring about it anymore on just being busy and having a new boyfriend, but I can't use that as an excuse. Especially since more than 5 lbs was gained just in the last couple months. And with me, weight gain is typically always about something else. I think I am just unsure of my life, I'm not working anymore, I don't know what to do with myself half the time, sometimes I wonder if I am where I'm supposed to be. But whatever, there are other ways to deal with all that.

I need to lose this weight. I cannot just keep letting it creep up. I don't want to ever go back to how I was before. I gotta do it. Thanks everyone for your support, by the way. I appreciate them all!

Ok, back to it.

Today is day one of being back on my eating healthy plan and this time I am for sure going to do it. I don't know what made me stray away from eating healthy and working out - well, I am going to blame it on a new (fun!) relationship, and a busy schedule. But no excuses. I am either going to lose the weight I set out to lose and still need to, or I am not. And I have decided that I am. I need to. I don't like the way I look or feel. And I do need to lose 20-30lbs now to stop being self-conscious.

So today was a good day. I had yogurt, fruit, deli turkey, pork chops, zucchini - good, healthy foods. And right now, I would love some wine or chips or something but I am chewing gum.

It's not easy, especially now that I live with my boyfriend and another guy, and we all like to eat snacks and have some drinks. Maybe the hardest thing is going to be cutting out the wine at night and then the late night snacking that comes along with it. Or when we go out for drinks and half-price appetizers... it's not going to be easy. But it doesn't have to be, right? I just have to do it.

There's that quote that says it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I have to remember that. And just do it.

What happened?

I used to be so with it! I used to eat totally healthy and work out every day. And when I say every day, I mean every. day.

What happened?

I guess life happened. When I got busy, with work, with friends, a boyfriend.

But enough about that. I'm tired of hearing about it already.

Here's where I'm at. About 175. The other day the scale said 178. UGH. (If I see the number 180, I'm going to go apeshit.) Eating unhealthy, not thinking about it. Altho, not overeating or anything crazy. Drinking regularly. Not working out. Uncomfortable with my body.

I think for awhile, I felt really good about my body because it drastically looked better than when I started out, which was very big. But that was probably just relative to how I used to feel. Now I've been at the same weight for awhile and I am starting to feel how it should feel at 175lbs and 5'5.. not horrible, but still overweight and need to lose weight.

So it's gotta happen. I need to get back in gear. Starting up again after being out of it for awhile is so hard tho!

Sup Strangers!

Hi everyone! First of all, I just want to say HI and I miss you all! I haven't blogged in so long. Life has been really busy. There have been a few of you (very few) that emailed me to see what's up, and I appreciate that SOOO much.

A little update -

I am working a full time job with an hour-long commute, so my free time has been cut way down. The job is something that will look good on my resume, but that is sucking the life and spirit out of me. I hate it and am looking for something closer to home. However, I live in a small town, so there are not many marketing jobs around here. Maybe I can get into a different line of work, but who knows what that would be. Any ideas?

In brighter news, I am dating someone pretty great and am now living with him. We've been together a little over 4 months, so we've moved a little fast, but it's going good. Most of my free time is spent with him.

As far as weight loss goes, I made a New Years resolution to lose weight and then just forgot about it. I just need to get my mind in the game like it was before. Right now, I am wrapped up in this job and trying to find another one, having fun when I'm not at work and just not making it a priority. I haven't gained any weight tho. I am sitting around 170 and have been for months.

But. Let's get to confession time. I don't work out. I don't eat that often (like overeating), but I do eat foods that are pretty bad nutritiously. I go out to eat a lot on my lunch break because I have friends at work and that's like the highlight of the workday, and most of the time it is very bad (yet really good, ha) foods. Mexican is my fave.

I have become aware in the last couple weeks that I am looking to food and alcohol for comfort lately. I find myself thinking about food more (like how it used to be when I was fat), and wanting bad foods just to make myself feel better. And I drink almost every night. Actually now that I'm talking about it, it's a wonder I haven't gained weight. I guess it's the busy thing that saves me.

I need to get with the program tho. I need to get back on track with my goal. I am comfortable at the weight I am, but I want to be more than just comfortable. I want to feel like I look great. Plus it would be good to focus on something healthy and productive and to be working towards something again.

Ahh life. Ok so there is my long-winded update! I will try to post more, and can't wait to read and catch up with all of you! I look forward to connecting with all of you again!